Grandparents and childcare - what to do?

[Findingthingstough18]

In April, when DS will be nine months, DH and I are both going back to full time work, though I'm planning to rearrange my hours so that I compress them into four and a half days. Ever since I was pregnant my parents said they'd do one day a week childcare, and we were planning to use nursery for the other 3.5 days. Then when DS was born PIL said they would also like to do a day, dropping nursery down to 2.5 days. Wonderful - all incredibly generous and very lucky for us.

The problem is that my PIL mentioned they'd need my parents to cover their day when they went on holiday - but they've now produced a list of when they're away for the rest of this year and my parents feel it's too much for them - they already have my niece once a week, and they don't feel up to doing three days of childcare more than very occasionally, whereas my PIL's plans mean they'd need to do it once or twice every month. Mum was very apologetic when she told me this, and I obviously reiterated that doing any child care is a favour not a requirement and so that of course I don't want them to feel pressured into doing more than they want to. Similarly, obviously we don't want my PIL to change their plans, or to feel any pressure to do so (they don't yet know my parents feel like this).

SO I said to my mum that we'd go back to one day a week grandparent care, which they could roughly alternate around my PILs travel plans. I'm wondering, though, if this is going to be really unsettling for DS - I already wondered whether three care settings (nursery, my parents, PIL) was a bit much for a nine month old and I feel the less often he's at, say, my parents, the less easy it will be for him to get used to that. I'm also a bit worried that this is a sign of things to come in terms of mismatched expectations, etc - everyone involved is lovely, but I am aware that they're offering a big favour and I wonder if they hadn't quite thought about how potentially restrictive it will be. I really don't want to fall out with anyone or cause any awkwardness over this. I wonder whether it would be better for us to just use nursery - but then DS is there for 4.5 days, which is a lot, and also we can't afford that for the nursery we've chosen so would need to use a perfectly fine one that we didn't use quite so much. Plus I think it would offend everyone - but I wonder whether it might avoid later, more serious disharmony? DH is dead against this plan because he thinks it'll really upset everyone and be worse for DS. What do people think? Sorry for the long post!

That should read 'perfectly fine one that we didn't love quite so much'

I would stick with child going to your parents once a week with pil providing the odd day which your parents can't do.

If it was three childcare settings in a week i would say that would be difficult. However this is essentially one childcare place and one day a week with one set of grandparents or the other. Presumably he will see them at plenty of other times too so it will be familiar. I don't think it's a problem.

Have your parents do one day and pil cover their holidays. Pil can always babysit or collect early from nursery when they're available.

DH basically refuses to contemplate that - which I did suggest - because he thinks his parents will feel very pushed out. I suspect if we tell PIL that's what we're doing they'll cancel some of their travel plans but feel manipulated into doing so, which is the last thing I want.

If both you and DH are FT employed then you should have about 55 days AL annually between you to use. I would say yes to both sets of GPs doing a day a week with either you or DH taking a day off to cover childcare whilst PIL are away, especially if they've kindly provided a list of all the dates for the year.

Sorry, 'that' in my post refers to AJPTaylor's post

3 different nurseries would be too much but a nursery with 2 sets of grandparents at home is ideal! Your baby will be with other children and get used to more formal care at nursery; but have doting grandparents in home settings at other times. Your solution is good- and your mum,in particular, sounds lovely- but everyone must realise it might not stay the same as your baby grows.

I agree with this. Annual leave is there for a reason and I'm surprised you haven't thought of using it already. It is ridiculous to ask your parents to cover those days. Cover them yourself.

The problem is we both work term-time and find it hard (me) and impossible (DH) to take time off during it, and all PIL's holidays are during term time, presumably for cost reasons. I agree that it was very good of them to produce the list in advance - it would have been a much bigger problem if they hadn't! To be clear, I think both sets are being very reasonable, I'm not cross or anything, just unsure of what to do.

This reads as though PIL are way too focused on what "the other grandparents are doing ".
Time to build a wall.
Don't keep telling on side what the other are doing or you 're storing up a lifetime of issues.

So, you plan to have your DS in nursery for 3.5 days per week and one day a week, say Tuesdays, he either goes to your parents or PIL? Seems fine to me.

As someone else pointed out, he’s not going to 3 different nurseries. He’s going to one nursery consistently and I assume adoring grandparents. His days with GPs will be so good for him and so will being at Nursery.

How full is the chosen nursery? Would they be able to provide the extra days as hoc when PIL are away? Some can, some can't...

I think with anything other than a paid nursery, you will always have the problem of times when someone can't take your LO. They could be ill, have important appointments etc.

You say that PIL schedule means that your parents would pick up 2 of their days a month - that's a lot. Basically 50% of their days! It does seem that having your parents and PIL share the time would be best.

I don't think it'll be too much for your LO. It's not different childcare settings as such. It's his DGPs

Also - what do you have I place for when your DS isn't able to go to nursery? They are pretty strict about taking sick children. They also have a tendency to call and ask for the child to picked up at the first (or second) loose nappy which seems to happen a lot, specially when they first go!

At least with the alternating weeks, you'd have some back up!

I would stick with your folks one day and nursery for 3.5. PILs can then do any emergency cover when ds is sick or your folks need their week iff etc.

Your dh needs to get over fairness and just realise that with you both working ft things need to just be as simple as possible.

My ds2 in 18 months old I went back to work when he was 9 mnts my parents do 2 days a week childcare he is in nursery one day and with pil one day, my pil did the same and produced a list of days they were on hols so I ended up using loads of annual leave to cover it and my parents said it would be too much and because pil had seen me do this a few times they have said they can’t have at short notice. Ds is fine with 3 different people doing childcare as he was so young when he started he doesn’t know any different and he has a great relationship with grandparents. The thing I would say is because you are using them for childcare like this unless you have other people you can ask for help you will struggle to have evenings out with your partner as you won’t feel able to ask them to do it as they help so much for dh Birthday we are going for a meal on a day my parents have ds and have had to use annual leave. It is hard juggling it but the way I am looking at it is I have done everything I can to make it work and ensure that everyone has a chance to have ds so no resentment can build as long as he is happy it’s worth the juggling and if it’s not working when he gets to 3 I am just going to see if I can get him a place at school nursery when they are due to have him for half days to take the pressure off everyone without anyone missing out as they will be able to pick him up and spend time with him. Just do what feels right only you know what will work for you just try and do what you can to make going back to work as painless as possible

Given your and your DH annual leave situation you are going to need to rock solid childcare, as you can't pick up any breakdown in it and nursery may not be able to help at short notice. I would go with 3.5 days and split the other day between the GPs formally on a Rota basis.

I think that's one reason my parents feel they really can't agree to all these extra days - because they're happy to cover when DS is ill, but mum knows that could add up to a lot (I was in nursery at the same age so she knows how often they get ill!).

I'm an academic which means that some of my hours are very set (I can't cancel a lecture for 100 people or the one seminar a class is getting a week for anything other than a complete emergency) but others are very flexible - if DS was ill during university holiday, when I still work full time but almost all from home, then it would be very different to on a day where I have a full load of teaching/meetings. Obviously DH can also call in and say there's a childcare emergency and he's not going in, but not often!

Swings and roundabouts. We use my mum for two days a week, but we’ve covered my parents holidays with annual leave - that was the deal. It is restrictive but it’s the deal. We can’t get extra nursery days in term time as it’s full. I don’t think two sets of GPs is an issue tbh, but I’d echo the PP’s comments about illness. What’s your plan? Our nursery is v good and will give calpol etc but expect to get calls - they won’t take them with a temp / on antibiotics for 48 hours etc!

Please do not use annual leave for regular use of child care. You’ll need some of that for coverage during times your child is ill, perhaps doctor appointments etc.

Perhaps a discussion amongst both sets of grandparents needed that regular one day a week is needed and perhaps for first year, it’s your parents with x days to your IL. The following year, look at diaries and work our dates where there is predominantly one day a week per set of grandparent. Or perhaps not annually but quarterly. This way it’s fluid to meet everyone’s need.

You’ll also need to consider additional coverage for days a grandparent may be ill.

Don’t worry OP, the consistency is the nursery on set days and set days seeing grandparents who they’ll know very well. This arrangement will not be unsettling to your DC.

May I suggest there be some type of calendar set up as well as monthly written reminder of dates (group what’s app? Email? Calendar requests?) to avoid any situation where you may find suddenly on one day both sets of grandparents have plans, thinking it were the others turn.

Thanks for all the posts on this thread - people generally seem to think that alternating wouldn't be too unsettling for DS, which was my main worry. My niece, who is a bit older, took a long time to settle with being left with my parents even though she sees a lot of them, and she seems to find it hard to settle back in if there's a disruption in the schedule and she doesn't go for a couple of weeks, which is why I was worried that he might find it hard.

Could you have both sets of parents doing one day a week and give Nursery the dates where PILNare away and have these as extra days? I know my nursery can accommodate extra days with enough notice...

Honestly, if your annual leave is that difficult to take, I would have him in nursery full time and rely in the grandparents solely for illness cover.

Once they go to nursery they can get spactacularily sick from the other kids. Mine was sick for weeks. And you get away with it for colds, but one runny nappy and you're asked to take them off for 2 days.

If you can't cover that you need people who can.

At least if they're not taking care of him every week they may be more ready to be ad hoc. And it wouldn't matter too much who was on holiday. Someone would be around.

I really don't think 4.5 days in nursery is too much. Mine did it. They do have regular naps you know!

My DD spent one day a week with the grandparents, with my mum and the PIL alternating, then the other two days at Nursery. It worked well. The parents covered for each other for holidays/when they had plans. I think in two years there was only one day they couldn’t both do.

If you both work term time why don’t you ask the in-laws to maybe help out in the holidays occasionally so you get some time to yourselves-everything is easier to do without dragging a toddler around!

Do you have to go with a nursery?
I have the same job as you - very flexible for half the year, almost completely inflexible for the other half. My parents do two days a week but also book lots of term time holidays and we use a childminder. She isn't at full capacity (none of the ones we went to look at were) so on days my parents are away she is happy to do extra days for us or to swap days which a nursery absolutely can't/won't do.

It's also usually cheaper and because there's less children my little one seems to get a lot less illness than my friends children who are at nursery.