Grandparents and childcare - what to do?

[Findingthingstough18]

In April, when DS will be nine months, DH and I are both going back to full time work, though I'm planning to rearrange my hours so that I compress them into four and a half days. Ever since I was pregnant my parents said they'd do one day a week childcare, and we were planning to use nursery for the other 3.5 days. Then when DS was born PIL said they would also like to do a day, dropping nursery down to 2.5 days. Wonderful - all incredibly generous and very lucky for us.

The problem is that my PIL mentioned they'd need my parents to cover their day when they went on holiday - but they've now produced a list of when they're away for the rest of this year and my parents feel it's too much for them - they already have my niece once a week, and they don't feel up to doing three days of childcare more than very occasionally, whereas my PIL's plans mean they'd need to do it once or twice every month. Mum was very apologetic when she told me this, and I obviously reiterated that doing any child care is a favour not a requirement and so that of course I don't want them to feel pressured into doing more than they want to. Similarly, obviously we don't want my PIL to change their plans, or to feel any pressure to do so (they don't yet know my parents feel like this).

SO I said to my mum that we'd go back to one day a week grandparent care, which they could roughly alternate around my PILs travel plans. I'm wondering, though, if this is going to be really unsettling for DS - I already wondered whether three care settings (nursery, my parents, PIL) was a bit much for a nine month old and I feel the less often he's at, say, my parents, the less easy it will be for him to get used to that. I'm also a bit worried that this is a sign of things to come in terms of mismatched expectations, etc - everyone involved is lovely, but I am aware that they're offering a big favour and I wonder if they hadn't quite thought about how potentially restrictive it will be. I really don't want to fall out with anyone or cause any awkwardness over this. I wonder whether it would be better for us to just use nursery - but then DS is there for 4.5 days, which is a lot, and also we can't afford that for the nursery we've chosen so would need to use a perfectly fine one that we didn't use quite so much. Plus I think it would offend everyone - but I wonder whether it might avoid later, more serious disharmony? DH is dead against this plan because he thinks it'll really upset everyone and be worse for DS. What do people think? Sorry for the long post!

I would put him in nursery full time and if grandparents want to take him for the odd day and it’s convenient to you then he just does not go to nursery that day.

I would imagine that full time nursery would be better than being in 3 different places.

We have each set of grandparents providing alternative weeks childcare for us, and it works well for the DC and for the grandparents. However, because of distance, both sets of grandparents come to us. That has its own disadvantages, but does mean settling in was easier - I think you'd want to plan several half day stays with you there at grandparents if your DC isn't familiar with being left with grandparents.

As someone above said, the downside is we've used up our childcare favours (once a fortnight is as much as either side wants) so don't get any other help - no babysitting to give us anniversary or birthday meals out for example, and sick kids means we have to take leave. If your parents are happy to help out once a week, only using half of this for regular childcare seems like it could work really well if that means they will still babysit for other reasons!

Is there any chance you could do 9 days over the fortnight rather than 4.5 days? Or get them to cover the half day. I would say to them though that as your mother can't take up the extra days it makes more sense for them to be the emergency contact. It is unfortunate for them but it is their choice.

Agree l would go with nursery full time and family on the odd 'help out' days. At least you won't get any last minute 'oh can't do tomorrow/next week' things!

We did look at childminders but they all said they wouldn't be able to tell us about availability until about now (so DH is going to follow up in the next couple of weeks) whereas nursery places go fast around us, so we had to book one. So that is an option. The additional complicating factor is that we only have one car so a childminder has to be doable on foot as otherwise DH can't do any of the dropoffs/pickups, which will make my life impossible. We couldn't find many for which it would be logistically possible to get DS there/home without driving.

Yes one day per week, plus ask Nirsery if they can do ad hoc days from time to time too in case they're both off together

The issue with childminders is holidays - so you’ll still need to cover them then. And if they clash with your parents / PILs then there’s a massive issue. It puts me off using a childminder tbh.

The three different carers won't be an issue for your DS - as PP said, he'll be too young to know any different and will adapt fine. But illness in nursery is a real problem - we had to pull DS out and get a nanny instead as we had similar limitations w grandparents' holidays and sometimes limited/impossible leave for me and DH... usually when you need it most! Between DH and me + we could cover our Nanny's holidays - we just negotiated around timing well ahead. Predictably, the day our nanny took over, DS stopped getting sick! If you are stuck with nursery, I agree with PP, don't use your annual leave for planned childcare days, you'll need the balance for the inevitable unplanned leave.

Parents do a day each and child goes to nursery for extra days when pil are away?

You can't trust that nursery will have the extra days.
You can trust that your baby will pick up every bug going and on top of that will get banned for 24/48 hours for a dodgy nappy, potential chicken pox, impetigo etc. There will also be jab appointments and other stuff. You'll need some form of back up for this.

I'd suggest trying 1 day at grandparents and 3.5 at nursery. You'll need to review anyway - it may be that EOW doesn't work, it might be that with sick days each set of GP does end up doing 1 day a week. You might find compressed hours don't work. Say this to the GP and if any of them look upset at a potential flexibility/impartiality then you'll know it's more about keeping up with the other GP than what's best for you or your DC.

I would put him in nursery full time and if grandparents want to take him for the odd day and it’s convenient to you then he just does not go to nursery that day.
This is what I did. Full time nursery was not that much more expensive than 3 days with my kids' nursery (£22.50pw more). Grandparents nominally had one day a week each, but both sets took quite a lot of holidays. We would have had to use a lot of annual leave to cover. They were also not necessarily able or keen to have the DC from 0730 to 1730 on 'their' days. It's a big ask. So instead, when they were in the country they picked up the DC at 1130 and spent the afternoon together. It meant the GPs were not under pressure to provide the childcare even if they were feeling tired or u der the weather and we didn't have to worry about covering days when the GPs were not available and could use leave for quality family time. It was much less stressful, albeit around £90 more for the month.

This sounded like our situation a year ago. It didn't work out for us using parents as childcare, it became too stressful and we sought out a childminder. Yes, it's a massive financial stretch but worked out perfectly. I work 3 days a week so a bit different I appreciate. It becomes too stressful, resentment creeps in and not good for anyone. DD loves the childminder and knows what she is doing for those 3 days. Good luck!

I'd alternate GPs and ask them to coordinate holidays so they aren't both away at the same time. Sell it to both as then you won't feel you are imposing on them and restricting their holidays. Also say easier to ask them to cover illness if necessary.

Your PILS are unable to deliver on the offer they have made and their expectations of your parents are already unreasonable. I would go with nursery plus your parents with PILS doing occasional cover. Kind of tough for your H. They're not being pushed out. They're just not doing what they agreed to do.

Plus if you 'alternate' it's pretty obvious your parents will end up doing the lion's share anyway.

Another suggestion is let your PIL have him the half day and he goes to nursery when they are on holiday?

Also, from an employer's point of view it's a real PITA to have staff who want certain days off repeatedly.

Why can't you or DH take a day off work to cover the days PIL are on holiday?

Or, ask nursery if they have space for random extra days, it's possible they will have when the time comes as there will be children off on holiday etc.

What would happen if the week before they went away, they did 2 days, giving your parents a week off and the week they are not around, your parents do both days that week? I think if grandparents are offering to look after their grandchildren, it makes much more sense than paying random strangers to provide the care so I would try and make it work.

Imo providing the best for your dc won't work any way if you are sat there working out which gps have the most /less hours!! They are adults ffs and need to appreciate you are trusting them with your dc not pandering to who has him the most!

I'm another one saying get your parents to do the regular 1 day per week, with pil covering their hols / illness etc... Plus ad hoc babysitting if you and DH want a night out / afternoon to yourselves.

My dm looks after our dc 0.5 days per week, which is wonderful and generous and I am grateful... But I don't feel that I can ask her for much in addition to that, as it is already a big commitment, and she rarely (never) offers. All the other GPs passed away before dc were born so we don't often go out together!

Could you ask if nursery could do extra days on those dates specified in advance?

I would continue with grandparents one day a week, pil's one day a week, give the list of holiday days to your nursery see what days they can fit your child in on those days and your parents cover the short fall??

Sorry @Ooplesandbanoonoos cross post!