In laws

[Wendywoo22]

My first born has arrived and so has the in laws, before baby I’d only see them once twice a year and now Iv saw them every 2 weeks since birth. I completely understand they have to be involved in LO life however I am finding this very suffocating (they arnt the nicest) and the more time I spend with them the more issues are arising with them- I’m breastfeeding so I always need to be there. My SO agrees they are hard work and overbearing and they DEMAND visits every 2 weeks! Baby is now 11 weeks I feel like I need a break a good while no visits etc.. anyway the main thing I want advice on is.. in the long run what is reasonable visits? I would prefer 1 a month if I’m honest is that being selfish?

What are you doing for the visits? How are they being arranged? Text/call/invites etc?

I would have lots of things going on so you can’t make the next few things they suggest.

I'd just be busy if I wasn't up for a visit, eek them out a bit to times that suits you better if you really can't abide them. Or maybe you could meet them out somewhere? You could day, oh we were going out for lunch (or whatever) on that day, do you want to meet us in town? Then you can have an hour or so then go home. Maybe you could go to them alternately, that way you are in control of the length of the visit.

Every 2 weeks is too much if they only visited the parents once or twice a year.
I think it’s strange not to be that interested in seeing your own child but then expecting to see their child all the time.

How old is your baby now? Maybe you can train them to be more useful. Give the baby a feed before they're due to arrive and they can keep him entertained, change nappy, walk around with him in a sling etc while you have a nap or do some chores until the next time he is hungry or wants you.

Thanks everyone for your comments I’m new to this and needed advice as it’s getting an issue discussing with my SO as he bows down to his parents every time, every visit has been on their terms, where, when and if I say I don’t want to do a certain date/time SO gives me grief then I say we will meet them at 10am he calls them and he comes back to me and says aw they can’t do 10am so we meeting them at 1pm therefore, the only 1 day off I have with SO and baby together (he works long hours) is me sorting the house out and accommodating them, they only stay for about 4 hours max but as Iv said we never really sat in their company and believe me Iv tried to get along with them but the mother is very overbearing and intrusive with questions and the father is just strange, he has shouted in LO face at 1 week old to clearly wake her up then other visits shook her chest, arm and even shone a bright light from his mobile about a cm away from her face whilst taking a video, each times I have found my voice and managed to say something mainly to SO to sort it but I’m at the stage Iv had enough they completely ignore me and don’t engage in a conversation just talk at me, I get along with everyone so easy going so I’m unsure why they are like this with me I’m generally friendly and have been too nice I think since LO has been born I’m at the end of my tether with them and mainly my SO for not handling this right im fed up sitting in a room listening to them talk cr*p I’m now looking the bad one as I don’t like them around LO at least until she’s out the young baby stage she is only 11 weeks I’m fed up running round making them coffee and watching baby getting passed around like a parcel, not supporting her head right not holding her right, touched at every opportunity and woken up for their entertainment- apologies for the rant here and if some doesn’t make sense I’m overtired and overthinking LOL just don’t have anyone to vent to that has experience in this or can give me advice I feel I’m starting to think immature like my SO is “taking his parents side instead of mine” maybe it’s the hormones, maybe it’s the lack of sleep or maybe I’m right in saying this is a bit much?! I just want some time to be a family and since baby has been born is been visits left right and centre from loads of family it’s been hectic to say the least especially after a c section however, motherhood has been great I’m loving my baby loving caring for her feeding and everything about iv not once said it’s hard, just the in laws

You need to be really clear with your SO and PIL on the issue. A visit every 2 weeks isn't much but what is too much is not treating baby properly, needing entertaining and waiting on, taking shit at you. You need to start training them with SOs help. Ask them to put the kettle on and make you all a drink, offer times that suit you and make sure SO backs you up (If they can't do it then the time agreed needs to be mutually agreeable), cut them off if they're chatting crap and tell them a lovely story about something baby has done, and absolutely do not accept the mistreatment of your baby by anyone. If baby is asleep pop her down with a motion mat monitor in another room with the door closed and do not allow anyone in there so that she isn't disturbed.

It's very hard to follow your update post OP. It's long and isn't broken up into sentences or paragraphs, so the points you're trying to make get lost.

I don't know if that's how you normally talk or if this is just too overwhelming & is a stream of frustration coming out.

Try to think it through clearly in your head, so that you can be clear to your PIL and SO at what works best for baby and you.

1. is it your home? Yes, then you get to say who visits, how long for and when.

1. Why is your SO arranging visits when he's not there? - just say no you can't do then. And tell SO to only arrange visits when he is around and can entertain his parents, if you find them hard going. Or better still you text in-laws with when you're free. And only be free when you want to.

1. Why are visits so long at 4 hours & unsuitable times?- Tell them what time suits you. If you said 10am, why are you letting SO/PIL change it to 2pm? The answer is "no, we're busy then, that's a shame...".

1. PIL treating or holding baby badly - just don't allow this! Remove baby from them if they are holding him/ her wrong and aren't listening to you. Tell them not to wake sleeping baby and that you don't like flash in baby's eyes. S/he is your baby.

1. Send PIL home when you've had enough in a visit or they start to get on your nerves. "Right it's been a nice visit, you've seen baby, but I'm tired and Baby's getting grouchy, so it's time for you to go home so we can rest &/ get on with our day..."

OP, you asked what is a reasonable amount of visiting at outset. But really the depends on so many factors. - How far away they live, how long the visits are, how helpful the visits are, how close you all are, what else you have going on, what you want...

Right now baby won't remember any of this, but you will as a first time mum. And PIL will as first time GPs.

So if you are heartily fed up of visitors and want a break, just say that to everyone "we've been overwhelmed with so many visitors, having a break. Will let you know when we're up to visits again"

Agree with everything blackcat said. You need to find your voice and be more assertive. Shame they don't seem capable of looking after baby while you do some tasks but they sure as hell should be making their own coffee, and you shouldn't have to tidy up for them. If your partner cares about tidiness for visitors let him do the running around! No wonder you're upset.