In laws

[Wendywoo22]

My first born has arrived and so has the in laws, before baby I’d only see them once twice a year and now Iv saw them every 2 weeks since birth. I completely understand they have to be involved in LO life however I am finding this very suffocating (they arnt the nicest) and the more time I spend with them the more issues are arising with them- I’m breastfeeding so I always need to be there. My SO agrees they are hard work and overbearing and they DEMAND visits every 2 weeks! Baby is now 11 weeks I feel like I need a break a good while no visits etc.. anyway the main thing I want advice on is.. in the long run what is reasonable visits? I would prefer 1 a month if I’m honest is that being selfish?

Are you still with the baby's father and if so, what do they think about this? If not, does he have access too?

Just politely say "Sorry we can't do that day, how about the xst, xnd or xrd?". Hopefully after it happens a few times you'll all get into a routine.
If not, or if they start just turning up, your SO will have to be honest with them.

Yes sorry I’m still with baby’s father, We haven’t spoke to them about visits etc yet. My partner has never really had a close relationship with his parents so is struggling to speak up to be honest so I feel it will be left to me to just say look I’m not creating a visiting “rota” I just want to go with the flow and visit here and there not a schedule..

My parents are so easy going and certainly don’t demand visits you know so I’m simply not used to this pushy ness and in your face type people, me and SO are very private always have been so struggling with this and the issues his parents have been causing I have to admit are putting a hefty strain on the relationship probably me allowing it to do this.. pregnancy and birth no problem loving everything I never thought for a second I would be spending my nights stressing over the in laws

Suggest every three or four weeks. Don't be available every second week. When you're no longer exclusively breast feeding you'll be able to leave your baby with them for a while and do your own thing; it will be very handy to have them as babysitters, grandparents are the best.

Suggest every 4 weeks with video chat in between so they can share.

My in laws were the same. However I don't think every 2 weeks is excessive? Unless they have to stay over when they visit?

I would focus on how to firmly turn down unsolicited advice and creating boundaries as that will probably be more of a problem. Also make sure they visit when DH is around to entertain them.

Every 2 weeks sounds very reasonable to me but perhaps it's the content of the visits that need changing. I'd be making sure that I wasn't being expected to run around hosting them and politely quashing any unsolicited advice.DD is 4 months and I try to facilitate weekly visits with both sets of GPs.

That does sound excessive , especially if you and your partner both find them overbearing. Can you come to an agreement with him to start pushing it to 3 weeks? I can't get my head around very frequent visits from grandparents, when do people actually get time to do anything else, go to work /have a quiet sit down etc? (disclaimer: my parents are dead, ILS are busy doing things that don't involve us, so it would never actually be possible for my children to have a relationship like that with their gps).

Every two weeks to see their grandchild isn’t excessive

I think every 2 weeks is excessive if they only bothered once or twice a year before that point. If you don't nurture a relationship with your DIL before she has a baby why would she suddenly want you around lots when she has just given birth, is tired, hormonal, breastfeeding etc?

In no way is every 2 weeks reasonable! Out of 8 weekend days a month, they are getting 2 of them! 25% of OPs family time! Sod that. We have a weekend free every 6 weeks where we visit in-laws or my parents/they can visit us. Much more reasonable.

Do they stay long? I dont think every two weeks is much, unless they stay for 48 hours at a time of course.

Do they have to stay overnight at your house? How long do they stay? Because I could see that would be unsustainable. Overnight guests and a little baby? No thanks.

Katy tad dramatic given we have no idea if they visit for one hour or 48.

No I'm not saying they come for a weekend necessarily but even if its an hour, that 2 days of the month - 25% of free days- where they need to be available for visitors, so aren't doing their own thing.

It's also v stressful when people want rigid schedules and rotas. Restricting and suffocating. Avoid getting sucked into set dates and expectations that they will have every other Saturday etc, as once that is established as a pattern it will be very hard to break. They're not a NRP, they don't need established contact patterns and its what works for you as a family. Many grandparents don't see their gc anywhere near that often and manage just fine.

To visit your new grandchild every 2 weeks isn't excessive, many see theirs few times a week, if it's a quick pop into see the baby. You don't have to stay in same room, go out kettle in and start preparing tea whilst they cuddle DGC. They're exited about baby.

OP I think you need to clarify. Are they staying too long, like an all afternoon or day visit? Are they staying over? As that's different and quite an imposition.

Either way, if you don't want such frequent or long visits, just say it's not possible when they next suggest and tell them what you do want. "we'd like to see you (date) for an hour or so. Please don't stay longer as we find long visits too tiring"

This is a big worry of mine and I don't think you abu at all! I have no real relationship with ILs (in fact if anything we have a very poor one) and we see them maybe once every 4-5 months. They've already mentioned how much they will be coming to see LO when he is born 😳.

I think every two weeks wouldn't be bad if I you already had an established relationship with them but as you don't then things have to move at your pace. Just be unavailable when they ask to come and suggest a date further in the future. Good luck! I know what a minefield it is xx

Once every two weeks and you are fretting about it? It’s never too early to start setting good examples to your LO - like being Kind! They are obviously excited and want to be part of LOs life.
How often do you see your parents?

Try every other day... then start complaining. That's how much my MIL came around. Now she does this whilst I am at work instead

You need to start being less available op. Make plans with the baby away from home, sorry ils we are swimming /a friend's /shopping /baby group.

Just start putting your own boundaries in place. As above pp says, have other things going on.
FWIW I don’t think twice a month visits is excessive but see your point about it being 25% of weekend days.
How about suggesting meeting out once a month- park/cafe/zoo/forest walk and then inviting them for tea on a weeknight once a month aswell. They’d still get visits twice but it’s only one of your “free” days and with the outing you can leave whenever.
Nip the overbearing thing in be bid ASAP too so they know your boundaries going forward. Polite, friendly but assertive is the way to go. It also needs to come from your partner too.

It’s never too early to start setting good examples to your LO - like being Kind!

'Kind' doesn't mean doormat. It's too often a word used to shame women into sacrificing their own happiness and self interests to prioritise those of others, whom they are not responsible for. Healthy boundaries and not being stressed, unhappy and running life around other people's demands is a better example for any child to grow up with.

@Knicknackpaddyflak completely agree.