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Original poster

MIL gave ring to other DIL and not me

77 replies

GingerCookie2018 · 19/12/2018 16:13

Hey I’m wondering if anyone can help.
My MIL has two sons, they both got engaged last year (one to me!)
But the other DIL, she’s the favourite because she’s all cute and petite and quiet and foreign. Anyway, she got a family heir loom ring for engagement from our MIL, and I got nothing. And MIL says ‘you’ll get nothing until I’m dead’ but it wasn’t in a nasty way. Anyway, I’m actually really upset about this. Yes, I got a brand new shiny expensive engagement ring, but she got a meaningful family heir loom. :-(
How do I get over the crushing reality that I’m just not good enough and never will be for my new family? (Both her sons got married this year, which is why she’s MIL now!)

OP posts:

Nothisispatrick · 19/12/2018 17:43

You sound ridiculously jealous of her petite ‘cuteness’. I’m assuming she is actually a grown woman and not a child.

What would other DIL be saying if you had got the ring? One ring can’t be divided between two women.

Cherries101 · 19/12/2018 17:51

If she’s from a part of the world that values family, it’s possible she has earned that ring through regular calls / visits to your mil.

BikeRunSki · 19/12/2018 17:53

Is their done kind of tradition on who gets the ring? Wife of elder son? Younger son? Son who has the traditional family name? Son who doesn’t?

Maybe there is a different heirloom for you to come? Eternity ring ? Something when you have a baby?

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Silkie2 · 19/12/2018 18:03

Things like this 'heirlooms', seem so important when you are young but once you get to my age,60s, you don't give a monkeys. Siblings, friends, aged relies have died/ had serious health concerns/ lost their marbles - then who cares who got the ring. Anyway, as you were OP....

cptartapp · 19/12/2018 18:08

I was the eldest of three granddaughters and my grandma gave her beautiful engagement ring to my cousin, as she was the only one of us without one of her own. GM died several months later followed my by cousin's subsequent engagement whereupon her fiancé bought her her own shiny new engagement ring. Am I bitter? No. It made my GM happy at the time.
Your SIL will pay for it in the long run.

pisspawpatrol · 19/12/2018 18:08

Did you actually even want this ring before it was given to your SiL? Do you truly LIKE the ring? Or are you just upset she has it now?

DoveGreylove · 19/12/2018 18:16

I feel you OP. I can't relate to heirlooms and engagement rings...but I do know what it's like to have a SIL who gets preferential treatment. E.g. gifted new clothes just 'because', given furniture from MIL's house to use in their own, taken out for meals, asked what she wants for Christmas and I then get given the same present (she will tell me she chose the gift from MIL). My DH and I don't get anything "extra" unlike my SIL and BIL. My husband doesn't care though, so I try to brush it off and ignore it.

It does get draining though. I'd be miffed if I found out she got the heirloom engagement ring and I didn't. Not because it's a ring - just because she always seems to be more special than I am.

near50andgotiddintesco · 19/12/2018 18:23

Do you like the ring you have?

EllenRipley · 19/12/2018 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WeeMadArthur · 19/12/2018 18:40

Who got engaged first? If it was your DHs brother then that’s why they got the ring, if not, then she really doesn’t like you that much, or your DH is much better off than his brother and therefore can afford a ring, or she is going to give him something of equal value (sentimental or monetary)

Kitty2018 · 19/12/2018 18:41

I hear you OP. I too have a MIL who gives preferential treatment to her other DILs and their families. My DH doesn’t really care but it really bothers me. There may be good reasons you can’t treat all your DILs equally but you should at least acknowledge the fact. If a scenario such as you’ve described occurred even just a simple explanation would suffice: something along the lines of “I can only give the ring to one of you and this is the reason it’s not you”. Anyone who actually cares about you would surely realise that this is a potentially hurtful situation that needs to be managed delicately.
For my own situation my conclusion is that my MIL probably never liked me to begin with but this only became apparent when the other DILs came on the scene. But I guess your situation could also be related to whether your BIL was the favoured child in the family and always got preferential treatment - perhaps this is now being extended to the other DIL?

canibehereifimnotamum · 19/12/2018 18:45

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all! She shouldn't of given to one and not the other. Pure favouritism and I can see why you're upset! What does your DH think about it?

Ycochyn · 19/12/2018 18:46

If that was me and I only had one ring, no one would have it. That's the fair thing do!

gonzo77 · 19/12/2018 18:54

I hate to say this, but my mil prefers my husband and I to his brother and wife. She is not subtle about it either. She does not have any heirlooms to pass on, so I'm not your sil.

We visit the pil far more than bil & sil do, and make a lot more effort. Whereas bil only goes when he wants something and is a bit of a twat

I find it incredibly awkward though. Especially when mil openly admits that she prefers my husband to her other son. Although there is no financial favouritism thank goodness.

GreenDinosaur · 19/12/2018 19:03

Is her husband the older son?
My older sister got all our family heirlooms, that's just the way it works in traditional outdated and fucking rude families.

MaisyPops · 19/12/2018 19:03

At first in was going to say you have a point at being a bit hurt but it's one of those things where the ring has to go to someone and you have to suck it up and get over it.

With the updates then I wonder if your MIL picks up on quite a sulky and jealous attitude from you so decided to give her ring to someone who is a bit easier to get on witj.

GreenDinosaur · 19/12/2018 19:04

I'm guessing if we'd had a brother, he'd have got everything.

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2018 19:05

Some of these responses. There is nothing to suggest here the younger son didn't asked his mum if he could have the ring for his fiancée and the ops partner didn't. Hence why she gave it to her. Or maybe she said, I'd love a family heirloom instead of a new ring, and the op didn't.

Neither scenario warrants the mother in law saying a but I have to give something to thr op, you know how jealous she gets.

AuntMarch · 19/12/2018 19:35

Maybe she just does like her more. It was hers to pass on however she chose, suck it up.

mimibunz · 19/12/2018 19:41

Sounds like MIL had sussed you out and made the right choice.

NakedBrainStrollingInManhatten · 19/12/2018 20:08

If SILs family live over seas and yours are more local it could be that MIL is trying to make up for SILs lack of family near by so making extra effort to make her feel welcome.

pallisers · 19/12/2018 20:09

Sounds like MIL had sussed you out and made the right choice.

why would you say something this mean to someone. Bet people have sussed you out too if you are like this in real life.

I would be upset too, OP. No one likes to be treated as second-best (except on MN where apparently there are squads of people who wouldn't react at all if their parents and in laws gave all their worldly goods to someone else). Has someone called you grabby yet?

SilverBirchTree · 19/12/2018 20:16

I think your MIL has a favourite DIL and it is t you.

You need to adjust your expectations of her accordingly or spend your life frustrated and disappointed.

Thankssomuch · 19/12/2018 20:18

Maybe she just prefers the other DIL? Why is it so hard to accept that not everyone likes us? It sounds as if you don’t like her much so perhaps that is okay.

lazymare · 19/12/2018 20:27

You are getting a hard time here OP. Just have kids first and then keep her at arms length. Revenge.

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