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Original poster

Festive MIL issues

27 replies

Daisy92 · 09/12/2018 08:37

Okay, so my MIL declared yesterday that she won't be "doing Christmas" this year. At first I accepted this, (I mean, it's not about the presents anyway), but then she made it clear that she won't be willing to participate in ANYTHING over the Christmas period at all. She's not even willing to come over for a mince pie and a glass of mulled wine. Nothing. Zilch. No visits. No party games. No cuddles with her grandson. No trips out for my son to see Santa. No Christmas meal for her and her OH (cooked by me). Nothing.

Now, her mother passed away in September, and I really feel for her. I've tried so so hard to keep her occupied and to try and lift her spirits over the last few months. I mean, I've gone out of my way to do so. But I'm struggling to understand this one.

It'll be her grandson's first christmas, and I really thought that he'd be enough for her to at least try and falsify some joy. My own mum lost her father a few months back, and her mother's dementia has worsened so much over the last couple of months that she doesn't recognise family anymore. Yet my mum is still bothering. In fact, she's throwing herself into my DS's first Christmas, because it's something positive..

I haven't said anything to my OH, as it would cause arguments, and it's not my place to talk to her directly, but I feel hurt over this. My OH and our son don't deserve to just be frozen out.

What also really twists the knife is the fact that she's going to spend Christmas with her OH's family, and she was recently tagged on Facebook at a Christmas event with his grandchildren. (It was a selfie with a reindeer. She was all smiles).

What is this? Is my hurt unjustified? Am I being unreasonable? What more can I do?

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TulipsInbloom1 · 09/12/2018 08:39

Honestly? She is recently bereaved. She would be getting a free pass from me to handle this first christmas without her mum however she felt she could.

Yabu.

WinkysTeatowel · 09/12/2018 08:46

She is grieving, I think I would make it clear she's invited and might even express a 'that's a shame that you won't seen DGS over Christmas' but ultimately it's her decision and I'd let her make it.

Fabaunt · 09/12/2018 11:04

The festive period isn’t all about you and what you want. The woman is recently bereaved. Leave her alone. Unless you’ve been through a bereavement yourself you honestly can’t even imagine how difficult and lonely the first Xmas away from home can be.

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PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2018 11:07

How your mum is handling things is irrelevant. People deal with grief differently.

Cut her some slack.

FTMF30 · 09/12/2018 12:24

The fact she's spending Xmas with her other hall's family may be down to her just being polite and not wanting to have to open up as to why she doesn't want to be sociable.
I assume she would feel much more comfortable with your OH (her son) to say exactly how she feels and for him, as her family, to completely understand why she is being the way she is. We're sometimes nicer to those the least close to us. Cut her some slack. I'm sure she doesn't mean to be hurtful and the last thing she needs is you being off with her.

buffysummers4 · 09/12/2018 20:09

If it's your son's first Christmas he won't remember this or if it continues every year he will just accept that granny does Xmas stuff and grandma doesn't (or whatever). YABU if you are planning to take an under one year old to any expensive santa-themed experience. Although that may be a little bit of a tangent! I can see why it's hard to understand her reasoning, especially if she is still doing festive stuff with the other family, but you need to concentrate on your own preparations. On my son's first Christmas day he got a random fever bug and screamed most of the day. So don't put too much pressure on it.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/12/2018 20:14

I'd let this go. I agree your son won't remember. Christmas can be hard for some people and you have to do what you need to cope with it.

Findingdotty · 09/12/2018 20:19

This is a bit horrible to say but honestly you might have a better first Christmas with your DS if she isn’t around to spoil anything. She wouldn’t mean to if she is just grieving and not handling this first Christmas with her DM well. But if it might well avoid upset and disappointment if she isn’t with you being down about everything when you are celebrating. Just let her know she is welcome but you understand and get on with enjoying your DS’s first Christmas.

SleepySofa · 09/12/2018 20:21

YABU - both your mum and MIL are grieving, they’re just doing it in different ways. It’s her way of coping - don’t make it all about you.

Sexnotgender · 09/12/2018 20:23

In the nicest possible way this isn’t about you and you need to give her space to grieve in her own way.
Your mothers way isn’t the right way and MILs wrong.

greendale17 · 09/12/2018 20:26

YANBU

What also really twists the knife is the fact that she's going to spend Christmas with her OH's family, and she was recently tagged on Facebook at a Christmas event with his grandchildren.

^So she isn’t cancelling Christmas then is she? This is nothing to do with her mothers bereavement. Is she deliberately winding you up?

CrazyOldBagLady · 09/12/2018 20:28

Just give her some space but leave the offer open. She might not be looking forward to Christmas but as the time draws near she might change her mind and decide to pop over for a little while, try not to make a big deal of it and make it into a battle.

Itssosunnyout · 16/12/2018 06:32

Ultimately she will miss out. She is bereaved so may not be behaving rationally but there is no excuse for not treating all grandchildren equally

GinIsIn · 16/12/2018 06:39

The thing is at that age, your son isn’t going to notice, so just let her give it a miss. People grieve in their own ways. We lost my dad at Christmas years ago, and I still struggle to put on a happy Christmas front. I do it, because I have small children, and for my mum, but it’s not easy.

ThanosSavedMe · 16/12/2018 06:41

Yabvu. In the nicest possible way, it’s. It all about you.

Everyone deals with grief in a different way.

How would you feel in years to come of your child’s partner gets stroppy with you after your mum dies?

ChristmasFlary · 16/12/2018 06:43

YANBU as it would seem she is doing Christmas - just not with you.

What is she like usually? Is she normally lovely and kind or manipulative and attention seeking?

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 16/12/2018 06:47

YABU.

Lisaturtle · 16/12/2018 06:53

YABU, she is grieving. I lost my dad 5 years ago and sometimes I still hate Christmas. Unfortunately you have to go through that to really understand it.

Give MIL some space and be guided by your OH, it isn't your side of the family. You may have to accept that your DS isn't going to change how she feels about Christmas, she can still love him without seeing him over Christmas.

TheChristmasBear · 16/12/2018 06:58

Give her a pass on this one. She might not have felt she could decline the selfie/invite. She might also be desperately clinging to her OH just now and be scared to upset him.

DontPanic42 · 16/12/2018 07:02

So she isn't just "not doing Christmas " she is not doing Christmas with you, that's got to hurt, particularly when it comes to your DS. Is there anyway you or your OH could ask her why? It might help to have some understanding.

Urbanbeetler · 16/12/2018 07:03

I was going to say it’s not all about you but perhaps it is. Maybe you’re a bit too full on for her at the moment. See how she is next year, give her space and make sure she knows you recognise the pain of loss she is suffering.

TheChristmasBear · 16/12/2018 07:03

Does your DH look like this grandma by any chance?

Even if not, it might be that she’ll find it easier to spend this Xmas with a group of people not associated with her mother. She might be able to push the fact her mum’s not there to the back of her mind more easily.

Gina2012 · 16/12/2018 07:04

What also really twists the knife is the fact that she's going to spend Christmas with her OH's family, and she was recently tagged on Facebook at a Christmas event with his grandchildren.

So she isn't cancelling Christmas

She just doesn't want to spend Christmas with you and her GS

Which seems very strange to me

But people can be strange.

Possibly grief has made her feel differently this year

I'd let her get on with it this year and see how she is next Christmas

billybagpuss · 16/12/2018 07:09

I didn't really 'do Christmas' the year my Grandad died. it was a week before. We kind of went through the motions but I couldn't bring myself to put up decorations or anything.

Why don't you invite her round for Sunday lunch. Do a roast beef or something that isn't turkey and make it clear its not Christmas related, say that we just want to see you and you can have some time with your GS.

Urbanbeetler · 16/12/2018 07:48

You say you have tried to keep her occupied. And you are probably well meaning but maybe she just wants to think and talk about her mum this year. Perhaps the other side of the family are better equipped to support her that way.

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