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Parenting

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Original poster

Who would be responsible for your children if they were to become orphans ?

38 replies

OhComeOnRon · 29/11/2018 16:17

I'm due with my second, and neither me nor DH currently have a will. I am curious as to who people have named in their will to take on your children - and how you went about approaching them?

I have one sister - she is younger than me (26) and is not currently married (though in a long term relationship that is heading that way) and they don't have children.

Then the other option would be my parents (I imagine they would be the default if this was to happen without a will in place)

I'm trying to think of what would be best for my children, but obviously also the adults involved. I know no one wants to be in that situation so it would never be ideal no matter who it was, but wondering what others thoughts are?

There isn't a sole on DH's side I would trust with my kids so there's that haha.

As a 26 year old childless auntie would you want to take the responsibility on - would you feel backed into a corner if asked? Would you feel comfortable asking your parents (both currently in their 50s)

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LavenderBush · 29/11/2018 17:07

Dsis and DBIL kindly agreed (they were engaged and childless when we asked them, but are now married with kids).

Our close friends of 10+ years (married and with kids the same age as ours) also kindly agreed to be the backup plan if DSis and DBIL also kicked the bucket - obviously this would be incredibly unlikely!

I would pick whoever in your life would make the best job of it. I think they're also the ones most likely to agree to it.

It's a very big ask and I think you have to make it easy for them to say no. On the other hand, it's a kind of compliment to them, and it's very, very unlikely ever to happen. And once you have the kids and your family gets to know and love them, I'm sure they would automatically want to take them in if anything did ever happen to you, even if they're unsure about it now. But it helps if they know that they're the ones you would choose, and it simplifies things if you put your wishes in your will (although putting it in your will doesn't bind them to do it. It just makes it clear what your choice was, and makes it less likely that any 'unsuitable' relatives would get custody!)

It might also help to take out life insurance that could be used for the expenses of bringing up your kids. That would reassure people that there would be some financial support as well.

Original poster

OhComeOnRon · 29/11/2018 17:52

@LavenderBush
Thank you!
My daughter is 4 and has a great relationship with my sister and her boyfriend- and my parents. My default would be my parents as they are closest to her and do the most for us. Just worried it would be a lot for them in a few years.

We already have life insurance sorted so whoever would be looking after them would be doing so without adding too much financial burden.

Hopefully me and DH live a long and happy life. Just trying to be practical

OP posts:

HelenaJustina · 29/11/2018 17:55

It used to be my parents, but now my sister is married with 2 DC, we’re changing it to be her and her husband. The money will be left in Trust but the guardians will be Trustees and will be able to use the money as needed. For example, they would need a bigger car and a bigger house! I’d want the DC to be comfortable while they were young rather than inherit more.

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TheNumberfaker · 29/11/2018 18:07

SIL & BIL. I’ve gone no contact with one sister as she’s a complete bitch, the other one has learning difficulties and my brother is a convicted sex offender so it was a no-brainer to go for DH’s family.

MissHemsworth · 29/11/2018 18:11

Reading this thread with interest as this has caused a massive argument in our family recently.

user1493413286 · 29/11/2018 18:14

Before my sister had children I would have said parents as I just couldn’t see how it’d work for her. Since she’s had children I’d say my sister for that family life experience. Do you have life insurance? That’s a bigger concern for me as whoever would look after them would need to be able to afford to.

LavenderBush · 29/11/2018 18:26

Maybe you could do like HelenaJustina and ask your parents for now, but revisit the question (and your wills) in 5 years or so, when your parents are older and your sister may be in a different place in her life?

PlayingForKittens · 29/11/2018 18:26

It is so hard. At the moment my parents with our estate in trust but they are getting older, it is getting on for time to change it. The most suitable will be bil really but we've been waiting for him to complete his family. I didn't want him to agree, us to die and then him to then feel like he couldn't have his own children. Now he has his own family it would be less of an issue if we died tomorrow if that makes any sense at all.

Original poster

OhComeOnRon · 29/11/2018 18:27

@LavenderBush
That's a really good idea actually and I think we may go with that.

OP posts:

Original poster

OhComeOnRon · 29/11/2018 18:28

@PlayingForKittens
That's one thing I've been thinking about my sister. I would hate for her take on my 2 kids before she has a family of her own and for that to influence her in some way

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Cuzcothellama · 29/11/2018 18:33

Our best friends have agreed to have our DC. We unfortunately couldn't trust our various parents not to play silly buggers with contact between all the grandparents.

It's written into our wills.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 29/11/2018 18:35

In our first wills, DH 's sister was named as the person who would have our son. Then DH died aged 38 and his sister stopped talking to us. So my new will says my brother and his wife.

Grumpasaurus · 29/11/2018 18:37

We have my son's godfather in our wills (we aren't religious but just the title). Then we have DH's sister and BIL as back up.

ZackPizzazz · 29/11/2018 18:38

My sister and BIL who have one child. We asked them before we named them and they would be the executors of trusts in our children's names. My DC are very close to their grandparents but they're reasonably elderly and in the horrible event that they lost both parents I don't want them being prematurely deprived of their substitute parents.

In all honesty, as a childless 26yo I would have felt terrified and overwhelmed to be asked. I don't know if I could have said yes but I would have found it hard to say no. Now that I have my own children I would have no hesitation in saying yes. But I don't think I would have named my DSis if she weren't already a mother.

Grumpasaurus · 29/11/2018 18:38

Ps should say, godfather doesn't have kids and isn't married but loves our son sooooo much and spends lots of time with both of our respective families, so it felt like a natural choice.

He also has a more similar lifestyle to us, in terms of education and travel and day to day activities, so we thought it would be a more natural fit for DS than moving from london to a tiny village in Dorset...

MiriAmmerman · 29/11/2018 18:38

DW and I have just done this. We had to give it some serious thought as DS is 8mo and I have incurable cancer; he's likely to be down to 1 parent well before he is 2 years old. So, although we hate to think about it, we had to discuss what would happen to him if something also happens to DW before he's an adult.

We decided that it would be too much for either set of grandparents, based on their age, health etc. My DB has a real bachelor boy lifestyle and whilst he loves DS I'm not sure him being a guardian would suit either of them. I also have a SIL - wouldn't trust her to feed the cat tbh, so that was never on the cards.

We have asked an amazing set of friends we have known for 15+ years. They have 2 DC of their own (close in age to DS) and DS would be brought up as a sibling to those children. Money from insurance, pensions etc would go into trust for DS but his guardians would be the trustees so they could use it as needed to mitigate the costs of bringing him up.

StylishMummy · 29/11/2018 18:38

Ours in DH's parents combined with DH's DB + SIL. They would live with their auntie and uncle and cousins but financial matters and similar would be overseen by both sets of grandparents

Susiesue61 · 29/11/2018 18:55

Ours was our best friends with MIL as back up. Now my sister has children and there will only be one of ours as the othr 2 are adult age (19 and 17) its her withMIL as back up so DS 2 could stay at school! Hard decision and my sister never knew it wasnt her as that would have caused untold arguments

mycatplotsdeath · 29/11/2018 19:31

My best friend and I were down as legal guardian for each other's children when they weren't adults

GreenFieldsofFrance · 29/11/2018 21:18

Nothing in writing but it would be my sister which would be alot for her to take on (she's a single mum to 2 dcs and i have 3), but she'd do it and wouldn't think twice. For her it would also be me, though she's never mentioned it, it would automatically be the case.

Hullabalooo · 29/11/2018 21:27

I asked my son's godmother this. She said no

cakesandtea · 29/11/2018 21:36

May I ask what it actually means?
Does it mean the people named will become their new parents and legal guardians?
Children will live in their family like adopted children?
Or would they just be sort of next of kin, but children would be taken in care?

Borridge · 29/11/2018 21:39

What is the legal situation? Does your will actually count?

WitBeyondMeasure · 29/11/2018 21:41

My brother and sister in law. I have several siblings and dh is an only child. Our parents have all retired young. None are struggling physically right now but coping with small children would become very draining on a constant basis. We want them to enjoy their retirement.

My brother and sister in law have two kids who our children are very close to. There is an age gap but they are all still at an age where they play together etc. If we were to die I would hope they could have a normal upbringing with siblings/cousins in a family home with patterns. That's what they're used to. We all share very similar values although my brother and sister in law are a lot more organised and sensible than we are. We always have a game plan but not necessarily a step by step idea of how we're getting there 😂 always works out though!

redexpat · 29/11/2018 21:42

PILs.

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