SAHP how do you get stuff done?

[MrsMiggel]

LO is 8mo and DH is constantly angry because I don’t do enough round the house. He complains that he works and can’t be expected to do chores as well. He’s always saying that other mums manage to do the housework and in some cases a job, as well as childcare, so he doesn’t see why I can’t. But I’m struggling to fit it in. I must be missing something?

I get up and breastfeed LO while having a coffee, then I bath and dress him and myself, hand feed him his cereal while I have toast, then take the pushchair and the dog round the block. That eats up over two hours. Then I play with him for an hour, breastfeed him again, and he naps on me. He’s a Velcro baby and won’t let me put him down. Then it’s lunchtime, and after lunch DM pops in and plays with LO so I can empty the dishwasher, do laundry and quickly run the hoover round. After that we usually go out to the shops or a group or a park to relieve the monotony. We come back for another breastfeed and LO has a second nap on me. By that time DH is due home from work so I cook while trying to watch LO crawling around. After tea I’m shattered. There’s another breastfeed after tea and I might get a break if DH looks after LO for a bit (not always the case as DH sometimes works away). I end up in bed by 9pm watching tv and breastfeeding LO to sleep.

I don’t see when I’m supposed to dust, clean windows, wash the car, put stuff away, pick up stuff that DH has left on the floor, cut the lawn or do anything else that he whinges about?

Forgot to say that in the afternoon when I go out I do grocery shop, vet/doctor/dentist, bank, dog groomer, or any other errands. So I’m not on a jolly to the coffee shop every afternoon.

He’s always saying that other mums manage to do the housework and in some cases a job, as well as childcare, so he doesn’t see why I can’t.

A) They probably have older children, or babies who nap in cot or buggy, or help from family.

B) Your husband is being a bit of a dick. Go out for the day and leave him with the baby (ok you’re BF, return for feeds but insist he does nothing while you feed, as you can’t). See how much he achieves.

C) Having said that, trying to teach your baby to nap in a cot might be an idea. Even if it didn’t work before, it might now?

Your DH really needs to lower his expectations... just wait until DC is walking and pulling out everything you’ve just tidied away. Honestly I could have hoovered and wiped everything down in the morning and then by the time DH gets home there’s somehow crumbs everywhere despite DS only eating in his high chair, and sticky/mucky finger marks on everything including on the cat 😬
In all honesty I am much worse at judging myself for not getting stuff done than my husband is. I’m only now learning to accept that some days I will get absolutely no housework done, and that other days I will get quite a bit done, it all depends on DS mood that day! Dh couldn’t care less what the house looks like.

I’m not really sure what to suggest if talking isn’t getting through to him unfortunately as even if he was to do everything for a week the baby would still be on you for feeds (DS was also a velcro bf baby) so he still wouldn’t be getting the full picture of what it’s like at home with a little one 🙁

I just wanted to give you reassurance that although there are always exceptions, not all mums are doing all the housework whilst looking after a wee one, and some days nothing gets done other than you both being alive and fed at the end of the day! And that’s okay. You are doing great regardless of what your DH seems to think.

When mine were babies I didn’t do any of those things. DH never moaned, he just pitched in. He wouldn’t have dared!
Now they’re older and play on their own for a bit I get more done.

I think it’s give and take. He needs to ease up on the criticism and you need to take a look and see where you could do a little bit more around the house.

Would a shorter walk be an option? An hour outside, an hour at home doing chores. Lift the baby into the cot for his nap? Do some chores and get some rest for yourself

I'll let you in on the magic secret. The trick is not to have a DH who's a bit of an arse.

That being said you might have a little more breathing space if you can get DS napping in his cot. You need some time for YOU. I can relate, my middle child would only nap in a sling for 7 months, but every month or so we'd have a stint at attempting the cot and one day it worked. Then I got time to myself and sometimes I did housework.

The trick with housework and little ones (when they're not napping on you and you do have free time) is to work out a system and stick to it. I used to follow TOMM (have a google) and it was a blessing - FYI you're supposed to adapt it to suit your needs but the idea is little and often. It's on pause at the moment because I have a newborn but my current system involves hoovering when my floor is hideous, putting a load of washing on daily, wiping the bathroom several times a week, tidying as I go anywhere and changing beds when DH is around and I can find a spare 20 minutes. DH conversely takes the bins out daily, loads the washing machine for me, empties the dishwasher and often does dinner. Some of this will change as our newborn gets older and I can take on more. We're a team and in the decade we've been together he has never questioned once why I might not do more.

In your shoes I would be telling my DH to lower his standards. Does he not see how DS is at the weekends? Ask what his advice is since he seems to think it's so manageable.

Also does he mean when you go back to work you’ll still be expected to do all the housework/childcare AND work? Does he do anything round the house at all? Working full time doesn’t mean he gets to have a slave at home doing absolutely everything, he should be helping, even if at just the weekends.

Maybe be should act like some of those mums he seems to be so in awe of - he could work, do some childcare, and do housework as well.
It's not solely your responsibility.

You should not be expected to do all of the housework.

I found it easier once DD was over a year old as she finally accepted naps not on me and would also play for a bit on her own.

If you do want to get some more stuff done break it down into small tasks i.e. dust a room at a time, DD now likes to follow with her own duster.

Looking after a young child is very hard work.

Your DH needs to start pulling his weight. Of course he can be expected to do chores. You are not his servant.

I’d love to put the baby in the cot. But if I try he screams blue murder and that’s the end of the nap. At least I can have a little break and watch tv when he’s asleep on me. He won’t even go in the cot at night.

DH does some housework at weekends but he moans about it because I should have done it when I’m at home all day. Like other mums who aren’t lazy like me manage to do.

When they are as young as yours it's harder to get everything done,dh commented once and he didn't dare again let's put it that way! Once ds got to 2.5 I found it easier as he could entertain himself a bit more
.

Hes lazy.
And really unsupportive.
Looking after a baby especially a velcro baby is hard work.
You sound like u are doing well he needs to pull his weight too

The way I see it is that when you're at home as a sahp, that's your work, looking after your child (a Nanny would get paid a decent wage for doing the same) So, if you've both been working....which you have, everything else needs to get split 50/50.

I think he thinks I lounge around all day instead of doing the housework which he regards as my share of the work. By the time he comes home it should all be done.

If both parents are at work and the kids at nursery/school, there is infinitely less shit that needs done on a daily basis. The fact you and your children are at home all day is both the reason there is loads to be done (I had a friend whose children had all three meals at nursery), and the reason you have no time to tidy. So give yourself a break.

As they get older it'll get easier. In the mean time, accept a mess, pay for a cleaner or work hard after the kids are in bed (both of you, most days).

Your DH is being a dick! However, I always try to get out late morning so that DD (3 months) has a longer in the buggy. I park her up in the hall when we get home so I can have lunch and get stuff done. I also encourage her to self occupy on a play mat for short periods of time (10mins or so) while I'm doing bits. Some days I get more done than others. If he's not happy maybe he should pay for a cleaner.

When I read your OP I thought it would be you. I posted on the thread you started yesterday, about your "D"H getting angry at you for not delivering presents to his family.

I said it on that thread and I'll say it again, I think there are some red flags that suggest he might be abusive. See liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

Your partner has a seriously misogynistic attitude. Some women manage to work, look after children and the house- seriously? Is that how a good woman is supposed to live their life in modern society...do everything including the traditional?

I’d remind him that SACRIFICING your work to stay home and look after HIS baby is a full time job and that chores are not always a priority. If he wants a cleaner house then tell him to stop making so much mess or indulge a revolutionary idea and perhaps help! Working does not exclude him from chores. If you’ve given up work for the baby then you’ve given up potential promotions, pension payments, work experience etc, meaning YOU have made a far bigger sacrifice by giving up work (speaking as an about to be SAHM).

Oh and it sounds like he would still consider the baby your responsibility, even if you did go back to work- which unfortunately many men are still guilty of

I'd love to visit the houses of all these mothers who have immaculate well run homes! Never managed it myself.

He says if I worked full time we’d split housework 50/50. But when I’m at home all day I should be doing it during the day while he’s out. He insists I’m lazy for not getting it done because other SAHPs manage. In fact SIL works two days a week and she manages and even has time to bake as well. So if she can manage when she’s only at home 3 days a week why can’t I manage when I’m at home 5 days a week?

I don’t know how these women manage! I’m with LO all day as I said earlier. Constantly stopping him crawling off, helping him stand up, feeding him, pushing him in the buggy, being slept on. I don’t get to do anything for myself except watch tv while I’m being slept on. I don’t know if DH is being unreasonable or whether I’m doing it wrong.

As I said on your other thread. He is being unreasonable. As you said on your other thread. He's never looked after his own child by himself for more than a couple of hours. He has no fucking clue.

You obviously can’t mow the lawn or wash the windows and other big jobs with a baby in tow. Dusting might be nice though!

It all depends on the baby. Some are easier than others. OP's baby doesn't sound easy.

Her husband doesn't sound easy either.