SAHP how do you get stuff done?

[MrsMiggel]

LO is 8mo and DH is constantly angry because I don’t do enough round the house. He complains that he works and can’t be expected to do chores as well. He’s always saying that other mums manage to do the housework and in some cases a job, as well as childcare, so he doesn’t see why I can’t. But I’m struggling to fit it in. I must be missing something?

I get up and breastfeed LO while having a coffee, then I bath and dress him and myself, hand feed him his cereal while I have toast, then take the pushchair and the dog round the block. That eats up over two hours. Then I play with him for an hour, breastfeed him again, and he naps on me. He’s a Velcro baby and won’t let me put him down. Then it’s lunchtime, and after lunch DM pops in and plays with LO so I can empty the dishwasher, do laundry and quickly run the hoover round. After that we usually go out to the shops or a group or a park to relieve the monotony. We come back for another breastfeed and LO has a second nap on me. By that time DH is due home from work so I cook while trying to watch LO crawling around. After tea I’m shattered. There’s another breastfeed after tea and I might get a break if DH looks after LO for a bit (not always the case as DH sometimes works away). I end up in bed by 9pm watching tv and breastfeeding LO to sleep.

I don’t see when I’m supposed to dust, clean windows, wash the car, put stuff away, pick up stuff that DH has left on the floor, cut the lawn or do anything else that he whinges about?

I'm a SAHM with a 18mth ds and 5mth dd and I don't do any of the things your dh expects...

The cars dirty, I last dusted about 10 days ago, I only hoover every other day or if someone is coming round.

The only things I do daily is a load of washing and the dishwasher.

Sometimes I can't even find time to cook so we have "freezer food that dh sticks on when he's home.

My dh isn't a twat though so he wouldn't talk to me the way your dh talks to you..,

Im a SAHM atm to a 13mo and I have always been very house proud and enjoy having things clean and tidy and in the last year and a bit I have done absolutely NOTHING! The house is a tip and we're just muddling through. DH cooks and we both just about manage to clean the kitchen and I do the laundry but it takes days. Your DH is talking out of his arse. The time for a tidy and ordered house will come!

Sounds like my ex husband when i was on mat leave with my 2nd child. Got to the point where he asked me to write down what I did in the day to account for my time!! You sound like you have a good routine going. Your DH has no clue and wont until hes literally left holding the baby. I know this isnt possible yet as your breastfeeding. In the meantime just try and ignore his comments. Dont change your routine to suit him. He should be proud your breastfeeding for a start and getting out and about. It will be easier for you when baby naps in cot/pram. Only things I can say is that I dont bath DS seven months every day. I use johnsons bath cloths love them. I also have a second hand jumperoo and bought a travel cot last week to use as safe play area now DS is sitting up. I also keep a play mat and toys upstairs so if im cleaning bathroom etc he will play on there and ill talk and to him. Ive put him down for naps from day one first in moses basket but then in pram in my hallway. He cries a bit i put dummy in repeat x ? and eventually falls asleep. I tend to hoover when hes been put down as he likes the noise.

Your husband has no business ordering you around and getting angry if you don't do what he decides you should be doing. Are you his slave and servant?
You know how I manage to have kids, work and do housework on top? By having a DH who does 50% of it!

I would ask him to demonstrate this on Saturday and Sunday. During his typical out of the home hours you will only be available for breastfeeding (if Lo is on bottles then go out!). He can them demonstrate to you how effective his plan is.

Urgh. Leave him with the baby for a week and see how he copes. I can’t believe some men behave like this.

Do you do all the cooking as well as cleaning? I’d say he’s the one not pulling his weight around the house.

I have a 5 month old and DH would never dare ask why I haven’t done more housework. I’d probably divorce him if he did!

Once your child is on the move and able to pull toys out/destroy everything in their wake, your house will constantly look like a shithole no matter how much tidying you do. You shouldn’t be worrying about that sort of thing anyway - sounds like you do enough to stay on top of things to a reasonable level. If he’s that bothered tell him to employ a cleaner. He sounds like a right twat.

My dp was similar. Tbh even if my children had been angels I wouldn't have spent the days cleaning house as that's soul destroying.

I agree with a pp, how about taking the dog for a walk around nap time, baby might stay asleep in the buggy so you can whiz around clearing the most noticeable things.

Exactly what @TulipsInbloom1

I would ask him to demonstrate this on Saturday and Sunday. During his typical out of the home hours you will only be available for breastfeeding (if Lo is on bottles then go out!). He can them demonstrate to you how effective his plan is.

He cannot do any housework whilst you are feeding. Please ask him to do this so he can see just how hard it is. I have a 10 month old who naps quite well but quite honestly I’m knackered most of the time so do very little when she’s asleep. Luckily my DH is not a twat.
We both work shifts and I’ll never forget my first working weekend leaving him alone with my eldest and the look on his face when he asked me how on earth I kept on top of the house. I’d only been gone a couple of hours at this point (he dropped something I’d forgotten to me at work). He also realised just how much work just doing the laundry was when I was in after my c section with my first (obviously when we only had washing for 2 adults).
He is being massively unreasonable and will not understand until he has to live it.

I’d use one of the 24 hours I spend at home each day to get stuff done.

I would ask him to demonstrate this on Saturday and Sunday. During his typical out of the home hours you will only be available for breastfeeding (if Lo is on bottles then go out!). He can them demonstrate to you how effective his plan is.

I don't think this is a great idea, because he probably can do it, as a one off, while baby has a somewhat miserable day - which isn't the end of the world for one day, but isn't viable for OP long-term. For instance, he wouldn't go to a group - but it would be shit for OP if she didn't get out the house. He would probably put baby down and have him grizzling on and off through the day, which is also not how OP wants to spend his entire babyhood. It's like pulling an all nighter - he can probably pull it out the bag once, it's doing it consistently that's so hard. But if he does it once he'll consider himself proved right.

Your DH is being an absolute prick.
I’ve got 3 dC and barely any housework gets done until they are 2. Babies like to be HELD and fed all the time. He sounds awful

I have an 18mo and a 2mo and I'm run ragged doing everyday chores such as washing and dishwasher along with looking after them both the best I can, but once they settle on a night I do a job such as clean the bathroom/kitchen etc. It's hardly a deep clean but keeps the house nice enough. My husband does help me though which makes it a lot easier.

OP you're not doing anything wrong. It's just really hard. Especially when you have a Velcro baby.

My youngest is 2.5 now and it's still not easy to get things done, but it definitely does get easier. I seem to remember relying on the high chair a lot! I also had a travel cot which I used as a playpen.

I get very little housework done while looking after the baby. Don't sacrifice time caring for your baby to clean the windows FFS, and don't limit the things that break up the day and that support your health and well-being. Some babies are difficult to put down and that's that, but this time of life soon passes. Is he unhappy in work and resentful as a result?

Your husband is being a dick.

However and I don't think you should be doing this, by the way my little routine with the boys 11mo and 22mo is to make sure I do an upstairs tidy as soon as they wake. Therefore they are refreshed and not ratty. We do a quick tidy (incl putting away dry washing), I shower and dress and then we go down for breakfast. I have a few toys in each room but mostly 11mo likes to open and close drawers and kiss the mirror in my room while 22mo pretends to dry his hair or open and close the curtains while I'm naked and drying my hair!!!!!

Hoovering - I do a two minute hoover before dinner. Toys go away and the boys both sit and watch me hoover.

Dishwasher gets a quick empty and stack and surfaces in kitchen wiped during breakfast/lunch.

That's literally all I do. Everything else can either just get dirty or be done by DH. DH would never dare complain.

I will say that it's only really been possible since DS2 turned 10 months. And the first four showers I took he stood holding on to the edge of the bath screaming at me. He's now fine and generally just watches me or chews his toothbrush. Likewise with the hovering, the first three times he crawled around after me crying. But I stuck with it because it was literally a two minute downstairs hoover, not a half hour scream session. I only need it to LOOK clean, not actually be clean

But, that being said, your DH is still being totally unreasonable demanding that you do it all

Forgot to say, my Velcro baby sleeps on a mattress on the floor because I can feed to sleep and roll away

I cannot actually believe the responses on this thread. How are people not outraged by this behaviour?! What an absolute cock your husband is!

Have you tried telling him to fuck off?

You’re doing more than enough.

If he’s telling you some mothers manage to work and do stuff (like this is solely their responsibility) then he can take a leaf at of their book.

Seems his little fantasy of being the ‘provider’ is backfiring as he is realising he isn’t off the hook.

He’s being a cock.

My XH didn’t want to do chores. So he paid for the cleaner.

Your DH need a reality check. Go out for the day and see if he gets the windows gleaming.

There’s also the sheer fucking drudgery of being a SAHP to babies.

Where are all these other super mums that do it all?! Does he actually know any?!

Wash the car?!?! He's an idiot.

Looking after children can be very hard work and he's totally underestimating that. It's very disrespectful.

I had a Velcro baby, and a partner who accused me of being "lazy" and not doing enough. It triggered a period of postnatal anxiety for me, and a four month separation (there were other issues, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back).

The fact is, he does get a lot more done than I do in a day. But he doesn't do any night feeds, and is only home maybe one or two days a week. He doesn't understand that sometimes, even if you're able to put baby down, you just want to sit for an hour and mindlessly trawl social media, or read Mumsnet.

I know this isn't always viable but, if possible get a window cleaner in. Take the car to be washed somewhere. Outsource the jobs that can be. And tell your other half to dick off.

Tell him to wash the fucking car himself. I manage to work and do that, so how lazy is he?

Your husband is a dick.

I’m on mat leave with an 11 week old who is bottle fed (so poss does make a difference). My OH is back at work yet we alternate nights to do feeds, he takes over when he gets home and makes me have a sleep or a bath if it’s been a tough day. I try to keep house tidy (and I always make sure wipes and nappies topped up by changing mat, bottles washed and sterilised and do all laundry, I often Hoover) but this is probs because my LO does go down in cot for a while and not because OH demands house tidy, just I try when I can. We have a cleaner once a week for mopping floors/doing bathrooms etc.

But I reckon I wouldn’t get that done if he was BF or wanted to stick to me.

I’m incredibly lucky my OH is so hands on and considerate but I’ve been in some relationships where I’ve been made to feel like you are now and it’s not ok. You can throw back at him what my OH does for our family if you like (and my OH works in a stressful job in funds too so is usually gone 730-1800). Shove that in his face to point out how he’s letting his family down!!

I'd love to hear how your DH copes when left with a velcro baby to look after! Maybe suggest he hires a cleaner for a couple of hours a day and then he can come home to a sparkling house!

In all honesty I don't think I got much done at all when DD was that age. She was bf and I pumped too which takes up loads of time. I often held her to sleep for naps and so couldn't do much during those period either. We lived off quick stir frys and had a weekly cleaner, and my MiL came over once a week for a couple of hours so I could do house jobs. It does get easier though; DD is now 15m and will play by herself for a bit whilst I put washing on or do house jobs for a few min. She now sleeps in her cot for up to 2.5h over the course of the day so again I get jobs done then. Give it time, it gets easier I promise.