Dreading the nights

[Newmum0987]

I have a 10 day old baby and my OH is back at work tomorrow. Due to his work and health and safety I really do not want him to get up in the night to help with baby, mostly because I have a constant fear of him dying in a car crash or accident at work and him being sleep deprived will make that worse for me. I also feel that if I am home all day I can nap whereas he's at work and can't rest so it's a bit unfair to ask him to help at night.

Any tips on getting through the night when baby won't settle? Sometimes he is ok in his Moses basket but most nights ends up in our bed because he sleeps for up to 3 hours a time and winges if we try to put him back in the basket! I feel terrible everytime he comes in our bed as I know the risks, but honestly he and we sleep sooo much better when he does. I know it's far too early for a bedtime routine so I am just dreading it so much. I cant function on a couple hours sleep!!

Thank you

Bedshare all the way! It saved my sanity. Are you BF? A lot of evidence suggests there are no risks (providing you and DH don’t smoke, are not overweight, and you are the one next to the baby not DH, and I think is better if you breastfeed) and some people say the risks of SIDS are less because baby regulates to your breathing. I couldn’t face rocking or settling in the night, I got so frustrated. Tbh I didn’t sleep well with DS in the bed as he was a wriggler but it was definitely better than trying to settle him as at least I could just lie there in the dark with my eyes closed!

@catlike1979 wow it's so nice to have someone encourage bedsharing for once. We all sleep so much better but when I've told people I just get concerned looks and feel terrible! I'm not breastfeeding (he wouldn't stop screaming bloody murder instead of latching so we switched) but LO doesn't mind room temp milk, so we make 2 bottles before bedtime and it means I only have to get up to change him! I do worry that if we bedshare then he may not grow out of it. In a few months he'll have his own room and we would like to transition to him sleeping alone in there, do you think bedsharing st this stage could make that an even harder transition?

I used to set myself up in bed (sent husband to the spare room so I didn’t have to worry about waking him up) with biscuits and Netflix. I tried not to panic about how much sleep I was getting because I knew I could nap in the day. When baby woke up id just continue watching whatever series I was going through on Netflix and enjoy some midnight snacks. Baby slept in bed with me following safe bed sharing guidelines. I also had a few friends with similar ages babies in WhatsApp for middle of the night messaging.

Not what everyone would do I know but mentally I found it much more bearable to have something enjoyable to do when ds woke up rather than just wishing he’d go back to sleep (fwiw I did this with ds1 and 2)

@Newmum0987 - bed sharing is great.

Something that I found helped, when I wanted to put my babies down in their cot at night was wrapping them in a blanket before feeding them and cuddling them to sleep, so that, when I did put them down, they weren’t woken up by the cold Moses basket - the warm blanket insulated them, and that did seem to help them stay asleep.

Napping during the day is a great thing too - I didn’t learn this lesson with my eldest - when he fell asleep, I would put him in his Moses basket and go off to do housework - I know - what a fool I was! I learned my lesson by the time ds2 came along, and I prioritised getting a nap over house work. I still do - though now it is because I suffer insomnia - the boys are 21, 23 and 25, so I can’t blame them any more!

Did your OH not get two weeks' paternity off?

TBH there's not really any secret apart from time. Your body will adapt and you'll get used to surviving on less sleep, plus your baby will slowly get into routines and rhythms and sleep more. But there's no way around it being knackering. I'd be a bit careful about taking on all the night duties as well - I hear what you're saying about OH and safety but your job of looking after a newborn is important too and it will be harder to do if you get zero sleep.

Have you tried things like white noise and putting something in his basket that smells of you?

No I don’t think bedsharing will make the transition harder, what I learnt with DS is that there isn’t much point planning for the next stage as they change so much, everything changes, so just focus on the stage you’re on and what works now. I plan to bed share again if we have a second. I honestly think it’s best for them. In some countries they think it’s bizarre to put a baby in a cot and bedshare until the child is at least 3 years old!!

Have a look at some attachment parenting sites - some can be a bit full on, but there is lots of advice and you can take what bits work for you. But don’t feel bad about it. In my NCT group of 8, at least 6 of us bedshared and I figured it was the norm.

I had no choice anyway - trying to settle DS at 3am when he refused to stay in the Moses basket turned me into a raging frustrated mess and so I stopped trying

And I also agree with HoustonBess - you shouldn’t expect to do all the nights on your own. DH did loads and I expected it and would have lost my sanity if he hadn’t. We bedshared because my DS was a boob monster but if he wouldnt settle still or i’d had enough of the wriggling in bed, I’d pass him over to DH and let him pace the floor for hours. It’s a team effort and you shouldn’t think you should take it on yourself. Looking after a new baby all day is the hardest thing I have ever done. Xx

@HoustonBess unfortunately not as he hasn't been at his new job long enough so he didn't qualify he took 7 days as holiday as that's all he had (due to only being there for 3 months and holiday resets in April)

Yes we tried putting the top I wore all day in, and tried our Ewan the sheep thing with the lullaby music. But it seems he only really settles when he's next to me or OH! I did search online for a white noise machine but not sure if it's worth it as he sleeps fine in silence. Does it really make that much of a difference?

I get what you both mean about not wanting oh to help, and he is such a good man he as said he will help if I need him too but I just feel adamant that I should deal with it as much as I can. Maybe save it for the nights I'm at the end of my tether lol! But mostly I do want to do the lions share of the night work. For context my OH work sometimes requires him to work out in a van on live cables from 7am until 5am the next day, this is why I hate him going in on little sleep it pays incredibly well and he loves it, is able to support all of us on his pay, soI feel I should try my best to make sure he is sent to work in the best state possible (queue sexism reactions lol!)

We just used white noise on Spotify app on my phone!
Just trying to remember the bedsharing guidelines and I think they do say is safer if you’re breastfeeding, something about being more in tune with the baby’s sleep patterns and more reactive - don’t let this put you off but maybe just do a bit of research on it? Good luck! Xx

@catlike1979 what a fab idea!! I just searched on Spotify and found some , will try this tonight. Thank you! xx

Bedsharing was perfect for us. Search lullaby trust for safe sleep guidelines on bedsharing.
I did all night time stuff from day 1 so sympathise but you'll get through it.
Note: hubby slept separatly for a while. If i had to "sleep" next to him snoring soundly while i lacked sleep and caredfor baby i may have murdered him

Also, white noise played from youtube...lifesaver

Co sleep without guilt. I had a Box of chocolates next to me and i joined reddit to read funny feeds trying not to nod off if i was worried about rolling on her. I Let her fall asleep then sidled down next to her. It gets so much easier and anxiety is normal too. Youll both be fine xx

Ahh thank you so much for your replies. I was really worried that bed sharing was a terrible thing and I was being selfish for doing it to get a better night sleep!

LO really does seem happier in bed with us and we love waking up to cuddles so this is great.

I will try to settle him in the cot before bed, definitely trying the white noise music! But if he wakes and won't go back in then it's back to bed for us 3

At 10 days old bedsharing is sensible and can definitely be short term. If you always start him out in his basket that's perfect, it means when he wakes you can bring him in with you and if you are awake enough/he's easy to settle put him back, but if not or you're too tired just leave him there. IME you'll find you get longer stretches in the basket over time.

I also like a bedside cot if that's an option for you. If you already have a cot or cotbed you can often convert them. Otherwise see if you can borrow or get secondhand something like the Chicco Next2me.

We use a baby white noise app called Baby Sleep (with purple baby logo), I like it as you can set it to turn off after a set time and if you turn it off manually it fades out rather than being a sudden end.

Also, don't change in the night unless it's a dirty nappy - they're made to take 12 hours of wetness. Changing normally wakes them up more than needed and harder to settle back down.

I could never do bed sharing because my anxiety is through the roof with DD (I dream she's in bed with me about 5 times a night and wake in a panic!) but it really is ok to do if you do it properly and according to the guidelines. (We also usually have one or both dogs on the bed too).

I do exactly the same as you with the night bottles and it works well for us, I prop her up within my arm and put her bottle in and then pretty much snooze until she's done or look on my phone, she's back asleep by the end of the bottle DH doesn't do night feeds when he's at work but 4 months in and I'm just used to it now, it's normality.

Nothing wrong with your baby sleeping with you. He will feel comfy and secure, bless him.

There are things on TV during the night, just sleep when the baby sleeps.

Bedsharing is only dangerous because your bed isn't designed for the baby, whereas a cot/moses basket is. So whereas with a cot/moses basket, it's not dangerous unless you make it dangerous (by adding too much bedding, bumpers with long strings, etc), with an adult bed it starts out dangerous and it's up to you to make it safe.

That means protecting baby from adult bedding by putting your arm between him and the pillows and making sure the duvet doesn't come up and over him, protecting him from overheating, and making sure he can't fall out or down any gaps. And of course ensuring that you and DH (if he's between you) are both aware and sleeping in a position where you can't accidentally roll on him or move bedding over him in the night.

God it’s so tough! Agree one of the hardest things I’ve done. Bedsharing if you’re not breastfeeding isn’t ideal but if the alternative is falling asleep holding the baby then it’s the lesser of two evils. We found the combination of swaddle, dummy, white noise and sleepyhead worked for us.

Do be careful with the milk - once made up it needs to be used within 2 hours so either use the ready made little bottles at night or get a perfect prep and take it up to your bedroom!

Hang on in there, it gets better every week.

You can keep it in the fridge for longer than 2 hours. It's just 2 hours at room temperature.

@bertiebotts indeed you can, but I got this impression they were taking it up to bed once made and keeping at room temp

Although even that I don't think is quite right - because how would you ever leave the house? It's something like 1 hour or 2 hours after it's been drunk from, because the baby's saliva will introduce bacteria into the milk.

@bertiebotts you either use ready made or you take a thermos of boiling water and a pot of powder. It’s a ball ache if I’m honest. It’s the only bit about formula feeding I hated.

www.who.int/foodsafety/publications/micro/PIF_Bottle_en.pdf