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Original poster

DH wants a parenting book but I don't

37 replies

highlander · 31/08/2004 00:01

I had a big row with DH last night and I feel awful about it.

We're coming back to the UK with the baby in October (from Vancouver). Hopefully baby will be a healthy 5 week old by then!

Transporting the pram obviously isn't a problem, but I mentioned to DH that maybe we should have a plan if the luggae (containing the car seat) gets delayed. I said (gently) there is no way we are driving even a short distance without a car seat.

DH then said, why are we taking the pram, can't we just take the car seat on the plane? Not unless you're willing to pay a half-price toddler fare I replied. Anyway, it's really bad for babies spines to be upright in a car seat for more than 2 hours. We NEED the pram AND the car seat. It all seems really obvious to me.

Anyway, I got a bit cranky and said why don't you do a bit of research on the internet (he knows about my MN obsession!). He then yelled at me and said he is more of a book person, but that I won't allow a parenting book in the house so how is he supposed to learn? Poor pet was really upset and I understand the need for us both to learn, but I'm trying to say that books are only ever 1 person's opinion and parenting isn't like that. I tried to say to him that I don't want him forcing the baby into a routine from 1 book that may not actually suit us or the baby's needs or personality.

All you experienced mums - what do I do?

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MummyToSteven · 31/08/2004 00:05

Not a very experienced mum (one DS, 5 months). I would go for a lightish parenting book - something that is anti-routine/pro demand feeding - say something by Yehudi Gordon or Penelope Leach - look at it as a pre-emptive strike to avoid him picking up a copy of GF/Baby Whisperer or anything too prescriptive for your tastes. Or how about What to Expect the First Year - if your dh can be persuaded not to take it too literally then that should be reassuringly completist for him!

midden · 31/08/2004 00:10

Totally agree, not a fan of Gina Ford type books that tell you what to do but somone like penelope leach can give you such a good insight into parenthood, and your childs needs.

lavender1 · 31/08/2004 00:11

understand your dilemna but books are there to educate regardless of whether it's one person's opinion, from one book you could learn one tiny piece of advice which could be life changing, so get out those books and take advice from someone when you sound like you obviously need it (noone ever knows everything),

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stupidgirl · 31/08/2004 00:11

What about Jean Liedloff, Deborah Jackson or Sheila Kitzinger???

midden · 31/08/2004 00:14

Sheila Kitzinger has written some excellent breastfeeding books.

Original poster
highlander · 31/08/2004 00:15

MTS - you read my mind. Those are EXACTLY the types of books I'm worried about him buying!

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 31/08/2004 00:16

mumsnet's own Mums on Babies of course!

Original poster
highlander · 31/08/2004 00:17

I think my neighbour has the First Year book. Maybe I'll send him up to borrow it. And I'll drop hints about the Penelope Leach book - what's it called?

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
Original poster
highlander · 31/08/2004 00:18

oh yikes, I'll get banned from MN for not thinking of the MN book

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 31/08/2004 00:19

The PL book is called "Your Baby and Child"

SueW · 31/08/2004 00:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

spacemonkey · 31/08/2004 00:21

Seriously, when I had my babies mn would have been my number one resource. I read Penelope Leach and Sheila Kitzinger, both excellent imo. Nothing wrong with parenting books at all - no different to learning about any other subject, particularly when you're new to it

SueW · 31/08/2004 00:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

AussieSim · 31/08/2004 00:28

A book can't force you to do anything. Books are just books. Burning them for example doesn't stop people from having sexual fantasies or from thinking that free market is better than communism. Better to be informed and then use your own judgement and instinct to decide how you want to parent your child. Let your DH take part in a way that he feels comfortable.

My DH assumes that I have done all my research on here and read my books and talked to other mums and therefore know better than he and so he leaves all decisions and stuff to me, which is a very lonely place sometimes. I would love it if he wanted to read a book.

JanH · 31/08/2004 00:49

Oh, AussieSim, me too.

Although my DH was more of a problem in a way, in that he would sometimes disregard the knowledge I had so painfully acquired, and we would have terrible rows about aspects of child development/psychology he knew literally nothing about.

Now the kids are older (youngest 11) this isn't an issue any more but when they were troublesome toddlers it was a nightmare sometimes...I loved Penelope Leach though! She is so sensible!

MUMINAMILLION · 31/08/2004 01:00

To add to JanH (yet again! ) I really enjoyed Stephen Covey's books about parenting. Not everything is applicable, but any pointers to parenting are welcome.

bloss · 31/08/2004 05:17

Message withdrawn

fuzzywuzzy · 31/08/2004 07:39

Can I ask, have you not booked a baby bassinet for the flgiht? It'll leave your hands free for, and baby will be lying down all the way through, plus you'll get a seat with loads of leg room, so you won't actually need a car seat on the plane, I think also that perhaps not all aeroplane seats are compatible with car seats, could be completely wrong here though.

handlemecarefully · 31/08/2004 08:08

A little bit off topic but you mention that being in a car seat for over 2 hours is really bad for a baby's spine.

Yes of course its better for newborns to by lying down, but it honestly does no harm whatsoever to have them in a car seat for more then 2 hours if its done just occasionally when necessity warrants it.

My dd when 8 weeks old spent 7 hours in a car seat on the way to Scotland - her spine is fine! The reason this advice is given is to prevent parents using car seats etc routinely for baby to sit up before he or she is ready.

That said, you don't need a car seat in this situation - book a sky cot

(P.S. I don't use parenting books - I use mumsnet and my friends with children for advice instead)

motherinferior · 31/08/2004 08:25

Buy him the mumsnet book! And how about several - or rather direct him to the MN amazon link and suggest he buys several.

Having said that: (a) I honestly don't think a few hours in the car seat would do any harm
(b) sky cot or sling or cuddles sound the best idea - five week olds either sleep or want cuddles IME
(c) I am a lone crusader against pregnancy/baby books - OK, get a bit of basic info (which I agree you are trying to get your DH to do) and then buy some gory and/or highbrow and/or frivolous novels instead and put your feet up for your last child-free weeks.

acnebride · 31/08/2004 08:31

If books worry you highlander, why not borrow Penelope Leach or whatever from the library until you know how you feel about it? I did this with a Miriam Stoppard book (can't remember which one) and was glad I did, as I thought it was very negative about boys, and since I was having a boy I didn't buy it.

My dh liked Babies by Christopher Green - quite useful though I wouldn't regard it as a guru type book. There's also the 'Haynes Manual' type book on babies which could be a nice peacemaking joke to buy him if he's into cars at all. I liked mums on babies (of course)! which he has never read. I would definitely second AussieSim - DON'T become the only expert. Maybe he could ring the airline and ask for their advice, and pass it on to you? You might have to bite your lip a few times but it is worth it, worth it, worth it.

Twiglett · 31/08/2004 08:38

message withdrawn

Branster · 31/08/2004 09:37

i second Twiglett.

aloha · 31/08/2004 09:41

I think banning your dh from reading a book about babies is a bit extreme personally. I'd be extremely cross if my dh had done the same to me! I'd just buy them anyway, in fact.

CountessDracula · 31/08/2004 09:43

I found What to expect in the first year invaluable. And no dogmatic routines etc to follow

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