Grandad - HELP needed

[purplepigs]

Our son is 13 and has always gone to his Grandads at weekends, recently he has been coming home and saying he is bored at his Grandads so he has been going less and less but at the same time didn't want to tell his own Grandad that he was boring - recently he has stayed at our house as we went away and he was making comments about our son saying he was bored at his and that's why he hasn't seen him for a while - our son didn't think these were fair comments and has felt quite emotionally blackmailed by what was said. Anyhow Friday morning my Dad his Grandad was responsible for getting him to school and at 8am our son woke his Grandad up to say it was 8 and he had to be in school in 25 minutes because of this he had no breakfast and his morning was incredible rushed - the help I need is how I deal with this situation. We trusted him to look after him and it appears that he didn't even set an alarm the night before even though he knew he had to be up to get our son to school ..... when I asked him this evening he said that he thought our son got himself up and ready and that he thought our son would wake him up - I am really struggling with this as my Dad is the adult in all of this ..... this morning my Dad was such in a rush to get to Tesco for a all day breakfast our son didn't even have time to have a shower etc - this isn't sitting right with him here at all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I do feel as though I am going to fall out with my Dad over this - it's as though he dips in and dips out when he chooses and he doesn't play his part as the adult and is irresponsible

He’s your son - why is your father doing so much childcare?

Umm, i’m Not sure if I quite understand everything but I think at 13 your son should be able to get himself up and your dad isn’t wrong for expecting this. Plus why is your son going every weekend? Surely he wants to spend time with you and his friends? You seem to be asking a lot from your dad and then be cross he hasn’t delivered it, if you want them to have a relationship then maybe they could see each other less frequently but make time properly for each other when it suits both of them, if you’re just using your dad for childcare then I think this needs to stop. It sounds like your dad has done a lot for you and your son.

Agreed he is our son
When I say weekends it wasn't suppose to come across as every weekend he used to go once every 5 weeks Saturday morning to Sunday not every weekend like it reads

Our son hasn't gone for several weeks because he says that it is boring
He is a good kid and liked going before and spending time with him and doing stuff bike rides etc but that has all stopped

I went away for my birthday this week and my dad offered to stay for the couple of nights I was away

I agree with the see each other less frequently he would normally go once every 5 weeks Saturday to Sunday and I agree with that it should be quality time for each other and they could may be do something but when our son get there they do nothing my Dad sits in front of the TV and falls asleep and then our son just has to entertain himself the whole idea of going to see my Nan etc when I was younger that it was about quality time together doing stuff and that's what made great memories.

My Dad doesn't wish to do anything anymore He hardly leaves the house
I try and maintain their friendship so that my Dad does more but it seems that he has became v lazy and can't be bother to do anything anymore but then gets angry when our son says he is bored and he might as well stay home and not go to his

So as a help to you your dad covered a school day and didn't get a teenager up for school?
Simple answer is don't go away on a school night.

I don't use my Dad for childcare
I think it is important that our Son and my Dad have a positive relationship and I have always encouraged that but I don't want our Son to go somewhere where he doesn't want to go as he is bored and feels as though he should tip toe around all the time

Yes the answer is totally now go go away on a school night but which I totally get now - I just found it a little bit unbelievable that he didn't think to set his own alarm to get him up when he knew he would have to drive in the morning.

I’m a bit confused by the situation you describe. Why shouldn’t your father ‘dip in and out as he choses’ - isn’t that what most grandparents do? And what part is he ‘supposed’ to play? Why didn’t your son set an alarm? Why do you think you are going to fall out with your dad?

Did he do that when you were at school or was he away to work? My dad wouldn't have a clue about morning routine as he got himself to work and never had to worry about anyone else. My mum did all the organising.

In terms of dip in and dip out - what I mean is that he wants our son to go to his for the weekend as since he has retired he has no friends and no social circle and wants his weekends filled up but our son wants to go to football practice and training and a match on Sunday - so my Dad will start to be horrible so that he doesn't choose the football so when he gets his way he dips in and when he doesn't he dips out - I think making him choose over football is unfair

He should be allowed to do sport and shouldn't feel guilty for it

I really don't know what you are asking.

I can't see why you have any issue with your Dad. He was doing you a massive favour by staying at yours so you could go away. Clearly you didn't explain the routine clearly because your Dad (quite reasonably) thought your ds would get himself out of bed at the tight time ...

And today he wanted breakfast at Tescos ...what is the problem?

But I've now read your update and it seems you are cross because your Dad is "lazy"!

You seem to have picture of what their relationship "should" be and don't think your Dad is making enough effort. He sound a like he is getting older and less able to do the things you expect.

Why don't you organise family outings or host your Dad at yours? Falling out with your Dad because he's getting older seems extraordinary

I would expect a 13 year old to be able to set an alarm and get up in time to get ready for school.

In terms of your son not wanting to spend as much time with him I think you could just say that, as is the case with many teenagers, DS wants to hang out with his friends at the weekends.

He could still go for an afternoon every few weekends though?

Firstly, at 13 your son should be getting himself up and getting his own breakfast. Grandpa has kindly offered to stay over and look after him but expecting him to get up to make your son breakfast is a bit much imho.

How far from school do you live? Why doesn't your son get the bus/train.

It's not unusual for a 13 year old to find grandparents a bit 'boring' and tbh it also sounds like grandpa is getting a bit 'bored' playing mummy to your son. He is right - your son is a teenager and needs to look after himself. I think it's probably time to let them both make their relationship work in a way that suits the both of them. Sorry OP your son is growing up and you have to let your son him decide if he wants to spend his time with grandpa.

I would never fall out with my Dad because he is getting older.
I often invite my Dad for dinner, lunch and invite him to walks with dogs and family outings but he doesn't want to do anything anymore

He is 60
This has been a declined recently where
By he is convinced he has something wrong with him - he has every NHS test possible and has even gone privately - to which we have helped pay for and they can find nothing wrong with him - he is convinced and so he always says he is ill

He has lost many friends during this process including family members who are sick to the back teeth of him saying he is ill and that no professional can find anything wrong

I try and encourage the relationship between my son and my dad as I can see it ending horribly

My Dad has said recently about money being a problem and we have helped with that - but I honestly just want to get him back on track

Do u think it sounds like he is getting bored of playing Mummy - I get conflicting views of this because when DS says he wants to go football training at the weekend my Dad monads that he has chosen football over him and now that he is playing football in the town he is going to become part of a gang - my Dad says it upsets him and so DS changed his mind and goes out of guilt

OP has just written poorly. I think I understand where OP is coming from. It sounds like the grandpa wants it all on his terms and gets bolshy if it's not. And it sounds like he is getting a bit peculiar and self absorbed with constant insistence that he is unwell even though he displays no physical problems and the drs insist he is fine. Sounds like he may have mental health issues. Depression perhaps from retirement and feeling a bit unneeded. A need to feel important so wants people to run around and make him feel special but not realising he is annoying people, letting them down and pushing people away.

Give it up. Your ds will resent his grandad and your dad doesn't want to 'mum'. Don't try to recreate visiting your nan with a grandad who is looking inwards.

@AornisHades what do you mean? Please explain.

Apologises if I have explained this poorly. I am upset and annoyed at the same time.

My Dad does seem like he wants it all on his terms all of the time. He gets angry and starts shouting if he doesn't get his own way. He will choose to ignore you.

I have considered mental health.
He constantly pushes away
I have helped with appointments
I have helped with monies
I have helped with work
Bills
He calls DS a wanker - he is 13
And f##king useless which I think is horrid

Your child is old enough to get himself up and dressed and showered and fed in the morning, he’s not an invalid.

If your son doesn’t want to go to his granddads that’s his choice. Why don’t you host instead? Invite granddad to yours for company those weekends instead.

You’ve got to realize he has reared his children so it’s not up to him to rear yours too.

Also just to note I was unwell for years and nobody could find anything wrong with me all tests came back negative and this summer it was uncovered I had an auto immune disease that wasn’t detected

@Fabaunt
I have had a conversation with DS about it is also a personal responsibility to get up when alarm goes off etc
So he knows he isn't completely in the right

I understand that some people are unwell and it doesn't go undetected for years
But he has had SO MANY TESTS

To the point when he is now on the hospital list as a repeat attendee with no concerns to date - he even has received a letter
About how many times he has present at Hospital

I try and I do support

But the heath things r so random
Like
If I poke myself between my ribs it hurts
If I push on my eye ball it hurts
I can't breath - he vapes a lot
Constant headache - his diet is terrible and he constantly drinks coffee - easily 30 cups a day

Well if he calls your son those names to his face, then surely you don't want your son having anything to do with him?

@TheDogAteMySock exactly

I wondered if he was unwell

God OP, that does sound worrying. He must be extremely lonely, are you sure he isn’t suffering with his mental health?

@Fabaunt I have considered mental health but it was listen to me. He recently became a little obsessed with a neighbour regarding a parking space outside his house and he wouldn't leave the house because he only wanted to park there and didn't want to lose his space - he also now says he does not take out DS our because he doesn't want to lose car parking space

The other day I had to leave an appointment to pick up DS as she refused to drop him off in case he lost his space he said I would drive a long way to drop him but not a short

Surely there was more chance of him losing the space the longer he was out