Grandad - HELP needed

[purplepigs]

Our son is 13 and has always gone to his Grandads at weekends, recently he has been coming home and saying he is bored at his Grandads so he has been going less and less but at the same time didn't want to tell his own Grandad that he was boring - recently he has stayed at our house as we went away and he was making comments about our son saying he was bored at his and that's why he hasn't seen him for a while - our son didn't think these were fair comments and has felt quite emotionally blackmailed by what was said. Anyhow Friday morning my Dad his Grandad was responsible for getting him to school and at 8am our son woke his Grandad up to say it was 8 and he had to be in school in 25 minutes because of this he had no breakfast and his morning was incredible rushed - the help I need is how I deal with this situation. We trusted him to look after him and it appears that he didn't even set an alarm the night before even though he knew he had to be up to get our son to school ..... when I asked him this evening he said that he thought our son got himself up and ready and that he thought our son would wake him up - I am really struggling with this as my Dad is the adult in all of this ..... this morning my Dad was such in a rush to get to Tesco for a all day breakfast our son didn't even have time to have a shower etc - this isn't sitting right with him here at all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I do feel as though I am going to fall out with my Dad over this - it's as though he dips in and dips out when he chooses and he doesn't play his part as the adult and is irresponsible

If your son doesn't want to go to his grandads anymore then don't make him. He will only end up resenting you and his grandad, I did after my mom made me stay with my nan when I didn't want to. It's not fair on your son to have to stay there to make your dad feel better, or to make up for your dads lack of social life.

If your dad's bad moods have driven his
grown up friends away, it's going to be a lot for a 13 year old to deal with. He needs to see someone about his health anxiety. He needs to get out more - U3A, walking groups, Lions/Probus/Rotary - whatever.

Your DS should be able to get himself up and out - he should also be able to go to football with his mates without emotional blackmail/abuse from your dad. If your dad was interested, he could watch but it sounds like he's stuck in a rut there.

@Ceecee18 thank you for ur view.

I have a similar view that my son isn't an social aid to my dad.

Thank you again

@WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit

Thank you for your message.

This week has been a real bad one.

Tbh it couldn't have got any worse.

I typed this thread on Saturday night and on Sunday morning my world literally fell apart. My Nan would I referred to on this post was taken I'll at home and died the following day in hospital. I haven't coped well.
My worlds broken.
I can't eat
I can't sleep
Nights are the worse

My dad has called me but not a lot
He hasn't called my son at all which has annoyed me as I was hoping he would - anyhow I completely agree with everyone being driven away as my dad I still even this week fixated on being ill - and it annoys me
Makes me blood boil

As look at my Nan she was really ill and never moaned one - she didn't try and find an illness

We are having to deal with what is the worst time of my life and he is going on about blood test and thinking he is ill

I’m so sorry about your Nan

@MessyBun247 thank you

I think that you're over stating the importance of this relationship. It's lovely for people to see grandparents but ultimately your son is not responsible for providing for your father with a social life because he's lonely. If he's saying he's lonely then invite him out for a family lunch. I think that you need to explain to your dad that relationships naturally change when children enter the teenage years. DSS is nearly 15 and my PIL (both 70) are really struggling to understand why he doesn't want to come and stay with them for a week in the summer anymore like he did when he was younger. Explaining that at 15 he has little in common with x2 70yr olds is hard to accept but it is a natural phase. Can't your son choose when he visits. From 13 DSS was telling us when he wanted to visit because he has parties, exams, meet ups with friends, girlfriends etc.

@blackcat86 yes I completely agree with you.
I am not understanding the problem.
I have never put an emphasis on their relationship
I don't expect anything from my dad
And ur right what do they have in common????

I’m so sorry about you nan, OP. It must be a really tough time for you, go gently on yourself and try not to express your sadness by being even more angry with your dad.

To me (and I’m not a doctor!) it really sounds like your dad has depression of some sort and it’s coming out in the hypochondria and petty obsessions. I have been around someone who was determined to be tested till an illness was found and I know it can be incredibly frustrating and difficult to cope with. And sad for them too.

I don’t know what the answer is for your dad but I very much doubt that more time with your son will be the cure. I would suggest that you don’t do weekends, just short visits, if at all, while your dad is in such a bad place. To me, it’s most important that your son doesn’t feel like a pawn, caught between your dad being angry and manipulative and you feeling anxious and guilty. Let his preferences come first.

Blimey your poor dad says he is ill and is disbelieved by his friends and family and the doctors can't help him.

If he says he is ill then HE IS ILL. If his behaviour has changed it's because HE IS ILL.

it's super unkind to not believe him.

@Snog
He has had a head to toe examination
Privately funded by me and yet they can't find anything

His pain is some of the following

When I push between my ribs it hurts .... @Snog please push between your ribs and tell me if it hurts

Out of breath - he vapes constantly, I have said how about you cut down on vaping a little

He says he can't sleep
But drinks coffee up until the minute he goes to bed even in bed?

Headaches - he diets is terrible
His fluids only consist of coffee

No water
No juice
No squash
Just coffee

As you know, your dad is emotionally blackmailing your son. Your dad needs to be proactive and find things in his life that he enjoys rather than holding your son back from doing things he enjoys. It doesn’t sound like either of them gets much out of the relationship, other than your dad having power over your son.

I think it would be good to sit your son down and tell him that he is not responsible for his grandads feelings and if he wants to stop staying over at his house then that is totally fine. If he wants to go to football, that’s fine. Your dad may throw a tantrum but he will get over it.

Be clear with your dad that your son can make his own decisions.

If your dad chooses to sit in the house and be miserable, that is his CHOICE. You have done more than enough to help him and encourage him to get out and about.

Feeling like you have to do things out of guilt is bloody shit and a waste of precious life and energy.

Teaching your child to set up healthy boundaries is very important.

Couldn't you all go and spend time with him? It's a bit much to expect a teenager to manage his granddad's moods on his own.

What stands out for me is your happy memories of staying at your Nans and doing lots of fun stuff together. Maybe you are trying to recreate that for your son, which is lovely but you can’t force it
Your son is 13, he can choose whether to go and stay somewhere ( unless it’s necessary) and he’s also capable of getting himself up and ready.
Your Dads health issues are another matter and should be unrelated to your DS spending time with him

@SnuggyBuggy I have suggested numerous times that we all go out but my dad always comes up with an excuse and there is only so many times you invite someone and listen to their lame excuse

I have just washed my car
I don't want to get my car dirty
I don't want to lose my parking space
I want to be in to keep an eye on my neighbours

See what I mean

And in regard to my son managing my Dads mood I completely agree

We have had that chat with him and I have said he is entitled to do his own thing and is also entitled to have an opinion

It's healthy

Your dad is not old but he is displaying the same symptoms as my DP who suffers from depression. DP also becomes obsessed with random things (like the parking). Your son cannot cure this so just let him go when he wants . Could you find something they could do together ,out of the house, for a couple of hours a week . How about watching football or another sport or playing pool or bowling or even the cinema. Look after yourself OP. Sorry about your nan.

I think he has to want to be helped to be honest.

I don't think you can force a relationship between grandparent and grandchild and if your son is bored and your dad is not willing to entertain him or go out with him then he should not be made to go. Invite your Dad to yours instead and maybe do board games or go for a family walk to the park. Do you just have the one DS? Would going with a sibling make it more bearable for your son. Just sitting with a 60 year old watching TV is no fun for a 13 year old.

If your Dad is swearing at your son that is a red flag to me and no way would I encourage a relationship between him or allow my Dad to do childcare. I do think though your son should be able to get himself up and ready at 13 but whether it is his job to wake up your dad too is another matter. I don't think forcing a close relationship is worth upsetting both your DS and your dad. If your DS is bored and unhappy spending time with him that is up to your dad to sort out or they see less of each other and you just visit as a family.

I think from your latest post your Dad has mental health issues and I am surprised the doctor has not prescribed anti depressants. Many men who live alone tend to fall into a routine when they get to a certain age. Maybe some women do too but all the people I know displaying the same behaviour are men although they are older than your Dad. You can't fix him unless he wants to be fixed.

I do understand your frustration OP.

It sounds like he is definitely struggling with his mental health and possibly also an undiagnosed physical illness - just because he has had tests it doesn't mean there is nothing wrong.

CBT could really help and he can self refer for it. It may help if you can ask him if he thinks it's a problem that he effectively can't use his car at the moment.