I am at the end of my tether writing this and not sure what I'm looking for, just not to be invisible I suppose.
I am ftm to a 4 month old baby boy. He is healthy and perfect and I am aware of how lucky I am in that respect. But I don't feel like I can be his mum. He has nightly screaming fits and has done almost since he was born. The doctors have diagnosed reflux and the medication seems to have helped slightly but here we are yet again crying in the park. Nothing I do settles him, he eventually exhausts himself and goes to sleep, only to repeat it all again when he wakes. He is clearly in pain but the doctors keep fobbing us off with more medication that that doesn't seem to help.
Obviously I don't want him to be in pain and fixing that is the priority, but what is also concerning me is that I feel increasingly detached from him. I dread waking up to battle the same thing again and again, and it feels like it would be the easiest thing in the world to walk away. I have no joy in my life anymore, relationship is ruined and my whole identity has disappeared. I'm just miserable and keep fantasising about killing myself to get rid of this feeling. I have always wanted children and we tried for two years to conceive, so I'm shocked at how I feel. I thought I would be a natural mother but I'm just not.
Thank you if you've read this far, please no judgemental comments I'm aware of how selfish I sound. I'm hoping someone can tell me they've come through similar and somehow everything has worked out fine??