New mum feelings - what is normal?

[NameChange56789]

I am at the end of my tether writing this and not sure what I'm looking for, just not to be invisible I suppose.

I am ftm to a 4 month old baby boy. He is healthy and perfect and I am aware of how lucky I am in that respect. But I don't feel like I can be his mum. He has nightly screaming fits and has done almost since he was born. The doctors have diagnosed reflux and the medication seems to have helped slightly but here we are yet again crying in the park. Nothing I do settles him, he eventually exhausts himself and goes to sleep, only to repeat it all again when he wakes. He is clearly in pain but the doctors keep fobbing us off with more medication that that doesn't seem to help.

Obviously I don't want him to be in pain and fixing that is the priority, but what is also concerning me is that I feel increasingly detached from him. I dread waking up to battle the same thing again and again, and it feels like it would be the easiest thing in the world to walk away. I have no joy in my life anymore, relationship is ruined and my whole identity has disappeared. I'm just miserable and keep fantasising about killing myself to get rid of this feeling. I have always wanted children and we tried for two years to conceive, so I'm shocked at how I feel. I thought I would be a natural mother but I'm just not.

Thank you if you've read this far, please no judgemental comments I'm aware of how selfish I sound. I'm hoping someone can tell me they've come through similar and somehow everything has worked out fine??

Hello, being a new mother is really really tough, and lots of people need help. It sounds to me like you need to go and see your doctor, today, and say you have suicidal ideation. Lack of joy, detachment, suicidal fantasies all suggest post natal depression, and they will be able to help you.

Reflux is an absolute bugger, and I've seen quite a few mums reach the end of their tether trying to deal with it. You mention a relationship - is your partner still around? Are they doing their fair share of the burden of both house and baby? If they aren't they need to step up, if they're utterly useless then please appeal to your family for help.

I had mild PND, which massively improved with medication, and other friends have had serious PND which they have now recovered on and have gone on to have loving, joyful lives.

Please seek help ASAP. Many many women get PND, sometimes (like in my case, months after the birth). x

Sorry you’re struggling. Agree with PP re. seeing the GP to discuss PND.

For reflux, if they’ve not already given it please insist they try Ranitidine. My son had silent reflux and it was hell until we got that prescription. GP didn’t bother with gaviscon as it often doesn’t help.

Hope you feel better soon.

A couple of things. 4 months is the worst for the sleep regression that hits.
The reflux sounds horrible. I would go back to the GP again and again till it is sorted. The poor thing is obviously in a lot of pain. The newborn phase is fairly horrendous. It is dull and isolating and relentless. I have done it twice and it was only easier the second time because I know it’s a short phase. They grow bigger, they learn to communicate, they grow more interesting and it gets easier. It remains relentless in different ways but the newborn phase, I endured rather than enjoyed. This too shall pass! But in the meanwhile I would get the reflux looked at and check for other things like CMPA etc. I suspect it would make an enormous difference to his sleep.

Has anyone considered a milk allergy if he is in so much pain despite anti reflux treatment?

please see your GP or HV. Reflux is soul destroying and you need help. Pls call them now.

Do you need to bring him to a paediatrician? This sounds like a very difficult situation, no wonder you feel frazzled. You also need to see your gp for you too, pnd can be very insidious...

I couldn't scroll past without posting. Newborn stage is so so tough, and especially so with a reflux baby. My daughter had severe reflux and tongue tie, and cried non-stop for 7 weeks until the GP gave her Ranitidine. Those 7 weeks were horrendous with no sleep and with a toddler to look after too.
I would really strongly suggest you see your GP today about the reflux and your suicidal thoughts. They are there to help.
Do you have any support? Could someone look after little one whilst you just have half an hour to yourself for a hot shower, cuppa and a meal? Might help you recharge.

Thank you for your responses. Yes my partner is around but we hardly talk anymore as he gets home when I am already starting the bedtime saga. I resent him for how his life has barely changed, and he resents me for being a shit mother, so all in all not very healthy!
Baby is on the max dose of ranitidine and I cut out dairy (bf'ing) about a month ago. Is there anything else I can try??
Sleep probably has a lot to do with it as we are sleeping in very short bursts lately which is taking its toll on both of us.

Oh you poor thing, this was me 3 years ago - a baby who only slept for 40 mins at a time because of awful reflux. Things changed a bit when he was put on omeprazole instead of ranitidine, and a few sessions of cranial osteopathy.
I also cried on a lovely doctor who increased my antidepressants temporarily.
Go to the GP! And if they don't help, go to a different GP!

Combination of drugs, plus letting standards slide at home and sleeping whenever I could, and things improved slowly.

Do you co sleep? It's the only way I found I could get rest whilst breastfeeding.

You are not a shit mother but you are struggling and that's ok. Has your DH said that to you? I would echo speaking to the GP/HV.

I have a 14 week old and it's really hard. She sleeps well but I'm still exhausted. One of my friends asked what it's like to be a mother and the word that came to mind was relentless. It's the hardest days work you've ever done, followed by a night shift- rinse and repeat.i love DD with all I have but that doesn't stop it being hard. Have you been able to link up with other local mum's? It can help to know that you're not alone.

I had a dairy allergy, tongue tie, breast fed baby with reflux and it was so so difficult.

I went to see a cranial osteopath who specialised in babies and she was AMAZING!!!!!

I would definitely, definitely recommend you take your baby to see one.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our
Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

If you'd like, we can move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly?

Being a mum is relentless, and throw reflux into the mix it is so very hard. There is light at the end of the tunnel and it does get better. You are not a shit mother, that's obvious because you care enough to want help.
I would definitely go and talk to your GP, get your health visitor round and try to stop being so bloody hard on yourself, which is easier said than done.

The connection between you and your DS may feel strained as he is always crying, but it's not your "fault" it's the only way they can communicate, even if the crying doesn't stop, You beautiful son will feel so much better just having cuddles off mummy, he just can't show it yet as he's also in discomfort.
I send you big hugs

Please speak to your dr or hv or whoever ASAP.

Oddly I think the suicidal ideation is less concerning than your comments re feeling detached/not your child's mother as that indicates to me this is more than "normal" pnd and is tipping into post natal psychosis which is more serious. Please contact someone ASAP

You don't need to continue to feel this way, you have done nothing wrong but I do believe you are ill and need help. Sooner rather than later.

Has your dp actually said anything negative or are you assuming how he feels? Have you told him how you feel?

Even though you are bf there is still a lot he can do to relieve the pressure and it's his baby too so he should be pulling his weight when he is home.

Please please call someone now before everything closes for the weekend - and be honest about how you're feeling. They won't be shocked and they won't blame you. They will do all they can to help you.

Even if you are breastfeeding, when it is like this your partner needs to step up. Things he can be doing:

• The bedtime routine
• Washing, drying, sorting clothes - I bet there's reflux over everything
• Some of the cooking

If you're up at night bf a refluxy baby then your partner needs to be taking on a lot more. Some men don't seem to understand, and think you're home all day so can tidy the house, get a full meal on the table etc. That's rubbish. You need to aim for survival, not perfection here. Your DP needs to get his arse in gear asap.

When do you get time for yourself?
I was glad to see you were out in a park, seeking some support from other mothers is also a good idea - NCT group, mum and baby yoga, sing and sign type activities are good to get you out and meeting people, which will help with your isolation.

Please see your GP asap.

Op, it’s so hard. It absolutely does get better. There’s already plenty of advice here. Just in terms of CMPA, we had to cut out soya as well as dairy. This was 8 years ago, but later on, at 8 months, an ignorant paediatrician advised me to give DS a soya yoghurt and things got a lot worse for us, so it was definitely a problem with dairy and soya throughmy breast milk. Have you been referred to a dietician??

I agree with pp - please please check for dairy allergy
All 3 of my babies have had it
I cut dairy out of my diet and carried on breastfeeding
In 2 of my babies, the reflux vanished and in my other baby, it was massively improved
And please see your gp for possible pnd too
Good luck xx 💕