To be upset about how DH handled this because it was ‘normal’ four year old behaviour...

[QueenofmyPrinces]

We have a son who is 4.5 years and we recently enrolled him in a martial arts class which he was very excited about.

When he went to his first lesson last week with my DH there were five other boys in the group who had already been attending for a few weeks so knew each other of sorts.

My DH text me from the class to say that DS was upset, crying, refusing to join in and that it was “bloody embarrassing.”

The class was 30 minutes long and for the last 5-10 minutes DS did join in and the teacher gave him a “star
Of the week” sticker.

DS came home all excited about his sticker and my DH said he didn’t deserve it because of how silly he’d acted.

DH has since gone on to say that our DS has no social skills and again said how embarrassed he was.

I said that he is expecting too much too soon. In my eyes, a 4 year old is obviously going to be nervous and reluctant when he joins a new activity, especially when he doesn’t know anyone and all the others already know each other.

I said the teacher obviously recognised what a big step it was for DS to eventually join in and that’s why he gave him the sticker, as an act of praise and to encourage DS to participate.

Anyway, it’s his second session this week, he’s excited about going but DH keeps saying what a waste of time it will be. He said that I can take DS this time because he’s not “being embarrassed like last time” again.

I feel like DH is really impacting on DS’s confidence levels and I have told him that his attitude/comments have upset me but he thinks I’m overreacting.

I'm with you. Seems like your DH is the one lacking in social skills and it'll probably do him some good to be told.
You can't expect a 4yo to go into a new experience beaming with confidence and your DH should understand this. You are definitely not over reacting.

I agree with you.

I see it from both sides. Obviously you are right, and he’s being a dick.
But I have a sensitive child and it is so frustrating. I come from a family of gob shites so it was very strange for me to see my child not get involved with anything. She does do better if I’m not there though. Can your husband leave him and watch from another room?

Sounds like DS when he was that age. He is much better now.

I'm with you. Tell him his lack of empathy for a four year old is embarrassing you.

Doesnt sound very good for your sons self esteem :(

Oh bless your DS - I remember taking DD to dance classes (which she was desperate to go to!) at that age and having to sit in the hall with her as she was so nervous to begin with.

I've never been a fan of 'chucking them in at the deep end' and your DS obviously needs to be gently introduced to something new. That's not unusual at their age and your DH needs to cut him some slack IMO.

Hope DS is feeling more confident this week, but if he's not he's not - these things take time!

Absolutely normal 4 year old behaviour! (And would be understandable at 5/6/7 too) The teacher sounds like a good’n.

How much experience does your DH have with small children, other than your son?

No wonder you child has no confidence with a Dad saying he does not deserve it. I would be taking DS and telling him you are going because you are so excited to see him do this class.

I would be telling DH to find himself a parenting class pronto.

There are two sides to this but DH is an adult and DS is a 4 year old child.

the more he is exposed to situations like these, and then encouraged and praised for getting involved; the better he will cope. you need to build his confidence and tell him how well he has done, so that he enjoys trying new things and getting involved. I still hate the type of situation you described though, so i think it was a perfectly normal reaction from such a little boy.

DS has been showing me the moves he learnt last week and he’s so proud of himself!

Me and DH differ is that I will praise DS for what he can do and tell him how proud I am and find him claps and cuddles etc, whereas DH will be pushing him to improve, to take it to the next level etc. He sees the potential that DS has and focuses on that instead of seeing what positive things DS is already capable of, he doesn’t see what’s in front of his eyes because he’s too busy looking ahead.

I can’t wait to take DS!!

DH is a secondary school PE teacher and I think he takes the same approach to our 4 year old son that he does to his teenage students

I think there are advantages to the two-sided approach in general, actually. But I wouldn't extend that to being embarrassed because your 4 yr old cries at a martial arts class.

That sounds really unkind of your DH. How nasty, taking away the sticker the teacher had given as encouragement. Of course it's frustrating if your kid can't manage to join in (I've been there!), but that level of reaction is just shitty. I feel really sorry for your son.

Please take him instead of your DH - I would think the pressure of that attitude, expressed direct to him, won't help your DD gain the confidence he needs.

And have a serious chat with your DH - I'd be furious if my DH took such an unkind approach, even if he felt frustrated.

Sorry to be rude about your DH, OP, but he sounds like the type of PE teacher who made my life absolute hell during my schooldays.

Ah, a PE teacher. 'Nuff said. (Sorry to you nice PE teachers, but some of your colleagues - esepcially back in my day - were bullying cunts.)

Poor kid, keep encouraging him, OP, and do what you can to protect him from his father. He sounds like he needs it.

Your poor son. Well done him for joining, and what a lovely teacher too.

My 6 year old is still often like this, he gets horrible nerves - and his brothers are all very gung ho, so it's not to do with our approach, he's just like this. It can be a bit frustrating and as they get older it does get more embarrassing - but your DH needs to be the bigger person here, and be a champion for his son.

I think your husbands approach can get good results, i imagine most of the top tennis stars had similar parent who pushed and pushed. And it worked out quite well for Amy chua. But while it might work for a few children most will be crushed and not be able to live up to their parents expectations. So it wasn’t a risk I was I was willing to take. I decided having happy children was more important.

I think that your eg risks turning into your child into someone who doesn't try new things as he can't guarantee perfection so why try?

Your DH sounds awful. Loads of little kids take time to join in lessons, parties, whatever. Sometimes it can make one a bit self-conscious when you have the kid sitting on your knee hesitating/crying but gentle encouragement and letting them watch often works. Your son did so well joining in after being scared. It’d take a pretty dickish parent not to be pleased and praise the kid if and when they do join in. Has your DH no empathy? I would be furious if my DH parented this way. I hope he rapidly recognises how detrimental he is being to his son’s self-esteem. And I hope he doesn’t teach any more sensitive kids at secondary school. What a twat!

I don't know OP. Normally I would say oh he is BU
But, I took mine to a class last week and this happened and I won't lie, I felt exactly like your DH

Mine got a sticker because everyone did. He didnt help tidy up after any of the games, he kept going to the area where he wasn't allowed, he did not once did what teacher said.

I had to encourage him over and over and so did teacher. I left exhausted, embarrassed and angry.

He can keep the sticker but he probably doesnt think he earned it. I mean, was anything he did a reason to get it?

And I just wanted him to do at least once what they were asked to do. It was all fun games too.

So in this case, I think I understand your DH

Thanks everyone. I definitely think my DH’s job does make him more pushy and he seems to expect more from DS than I think is reasonable.

I watched a video of them once when DH was teaching DS to swim and DS was swimming from one end to the pool to the other and I could hear him saying he was tired and was then veering to the side so he could hold onto the wall and DH kept telling him no and said that he had to keep going. DS looked so tired flapping his little arms around trying to stay afloat and it made me feel really uncomfortable.

DS did eventually reach the other side of the pool and he was really happy with himself for doing it and DH absolutely gushed over him, telling him how proud he was etc but DH’s method still made me feel a bit off.

Don't ever let him play junior football with a father like that.

Thankfully )and much to my DH’s disappointment) DS isn’t interested in sport at all which is why we decided to give Martial Arts a go.

@HopeHopity I think that he earned it by being so scared and doing it anyway. I'm not one for coddling a child's anxiety but do think that they need acknowledgement for effort. For my ds1 at swimming that meant learning a new stroke. For Ds2 he had to work just as hard to actually enter the pool. Don't they both deserve acknowledgemenr?

Your husband sounds like he could be a bit of s bully if he isn’t watched. The side effect of that is that you will( understandably) polarise with him, and end up compensating by mollycoddling him, which is the last thing your dh wants. MYbe you could point that out to him, and say you’ll curb your tendencies if he curbs his.

My oh teaches mathsour son has severe dyscalculia , dh just has to suck it up.