Husband mean to baby?

[WoodyOak]

I have a 5 week old. She is usually quite easy going and content: cries when she needs something - nappy change, fed, winded, cuddled... the usual!
She pretty much always likes to be cuddled when she's awake (Although isn't awake for long so falls asleep on us within minutes). We're all told you can't spoil a baby with cuddles but my husband thinks we should leave her to "cry it out" so she can learn to settle herself. I think she's too young for that but I see his point about creating a needy baby who can never settle without us. Health visitor agrees with me but husband still thinks he's right. First baby for us both so we are learners!
Any advice? Experience?

Newborns should not be left to cry it out. Left grumbling for five minutes because you need to have a shower, maybe. If you really were to leave a 5 week old to cry it out their stress levels would end up very high.

They are crying because they need something, even if that's just the warmth and comfort of a cuddle.

It sounds as though you know that. Don't let your DH overrule you on this.

You and health visitor are right. Husband is wrong. Maybe when a toddler you could leave for a short spell but a 5 week old baby is too young to “learn”

How is dh with the baby at other times?

She is absolutely definitely too young for cry it out. Please trust your instincts.

You seriously can’t cuddle a baby enough. They grow so quickly don’t even think about routines now. Enjoy the cuddles. I wouldn’t leave the baby to cry unless you really have to. I think you sometimes think you need to crack on with preparing them for going to bed on their own. It’s bollocks. When you get to a stage when you need to then you can worry about that. But I’m cuddling my 2 year old to sleep now because it’s lovely.

Your husband is wrong. Follow your health visitors advice and your instincts.

Your husband is very very wrong. Ignore him.

Ask him this: for almost all of human history, what would have happened if a tiny baby had been left alone without a carer nearby? Yup, killed by a creature. That is why babies are distressed when they are alone. It is hardwired into them that to keep safe they must keep a carer nearby. Without that, they are distressed and overwhelmed.

Your dh needs to think up. It is impossible to spoil a tiny baby. It is entirely possible to traumatise one. Get him to look at attachment theory. Your job for the first year is to give your child a secure base and a sense of security, that she is safe and secure. That is all.

All babies need when they cry is someone to try and make it better, feed, change, cuddles, love.

Leaving babies to cry is cruel

Thanks everyone. I knew I was right but was starting to think I was being too precious about her. He's lovely with her and very calm so it's not that he gets frustrated with her when she needs cuddles and is crying. I feel that we need to be on the same page otherwise I'll be anxious leaving him in charge. Perhaps I should find him some research to back it up!

If he's got no experience with babies, why does he think he knows best?

Your husband is wrong! Try Sarah ockwell-smith or evolutionary parenting website for research.

The quicker you get to them the less time they have to work themselves up to a frenzy and the quicker they settle again. A sobbing, red or blue baby is not a good solution.

I cuddled my baby all the time, also held him while sleeping for naps. He's now one and I'm lucky if I get a cuddle. He, very rarely, fell asleep on me the other day and it was the sweetest thing. Enjoy those precious cuddles ❤

I was told this advice many times. A friend even stayed over one night to stop me going into dd's room. The next day a neighbour said he had walked his dog and heard dd crying "nearly all night" - he was very concerned and I was hugely embarrassed. I don't know why I let my friend talk me into doing something that so clearly went against all of my instincts.

There is research about dopamine etc. Basically babies feel stress and cry. When we cuddle them the stress hormone goes down (they can't do this themselves) and it teaches them how to manage stress. I'll see if I can find the research.

If he won't listen to the health visitor I'm not sure that he'll read any links given on this thread either. Have you asked him why he thinks this? I wonder if it's what his parents have said - it can be really hard to go against that for some people because it feels like a betrayal of your own upbringing somehow to admit that it wasn't absolutely ideal

The more secure they feel with you, the less clingy they’ll be, so you really can’t give too many cuddles. You can look up the research on cuddling and responsive parenting and brain development too.

My dd literally was not put down until she was about 4 months. We never left her to cry. She slept in our bed til she was 3.5. She’s now a very confident outgoing 5 year old and not one bit clingy.

You and your husband can be on different pages. My dh loves our kids but responded much slower when they were little than me. Men are imo are less effected by crying. It’s fine for him to be different but baby should not be left to cry imo.

My baby is 8 months old now and I was told by the older ladies in my and my husbands family that we were spoiling her with cuddles and creating a rod for our backs! That might have been the advice years ago but my husband and I just went with what we thought and cuddled her as much as we could :) now she won't sit still for a cuddle so enjoy them and soak up all that newborn lovelyness xx

He needs to read a book called ‘Why Love Matters’

Your baby is terrified. It has no concept that you will be back or it hasnt been abandoned.
Babies of that age need their cries responded to as much as possible

Tell him to read about the forth trimester.

I cuddled and held my babies and fed them to sleep. Both are super confident boys who will skip off into nursery/ school without a backward glance.

Many years ago I was told the less a baby is left to cry under a year old they less they cry as a toddler /child . After many dc and looking back I feel there is some truth is in this theory.

Read up about the 4th trimester. Until only a few weeks ago she was tucked up cosy in your tummy. She’s still getting used to being separate from you, and needs plenty of cuddles and holding her close for a long time yet.

I don’t agree with ‘cry it out’ anyway, but five weeks is insanely young for anything like that.

Now go cuddle your beautiful baby!