How far do you agree or disagree with the proverb "it takes a village to raise a child"

[Mummblebee]

Just wanting thoughts on this really. Does it take a village to raise / disapline your child or is it your responsibility / privalege to raise your own child how you see fit without unsolicited advice from your community.

I would take the term "village" very loosely...not many of us live in tight-knit communities any more, or stay in the area we grew up in. I certainly believe that you need other input in raising a child, as much as to support you than anything else! Of course it's all ultimately a parent's responsibility, but the support from and experience of other loving caregivers, no matter how minor or informal the relationship, is invaluable. I'd say my "village" is my and my partner's family and friends. Sadly I don't live in a friendly community where we can all watch each other's children grow, but in the absence of that, attention and care towards my offspring from people I love is wonderful.

I think there has to be a balance between the two extremes.

Personally I was raised by very insular parents who rarely socialize. This meant, particularly in my teenage years, they almost never saw me in social situations. There came a few points where I think my parents realized I had really poor social skills especially when talking to adults. I also really struggled after university as I had no idea how adult relationships really worked as I'd never seen my parents model this.

I'm lucky my parents were otherwise good and non-abusive but even so I would definitely have benefited from other adult input growing up.

Disagree. They're our children and do not belong to the village! I loathe that expression.

I agree with it.

Depends how you see it really, if you see it as other people taking over then you might not agree. But i see it as other adults giving support or ideas differing ways.

A new mum benefit from sharing (physically or mentally) the intensity of the change of motherhood. New fathers may need similar or to be told to cop on and accept their responsibility. Not everyone knows how to be a parents, especially beyond the baby years.

As a child grows I think they benefit hugely from having other role models. Teenagers especially need someone who isn't a parent, even if it's just to talk to. Not only does it give the child access to other viewpoints and opinions it may give support to the parents in the sense that at times the child finds out the parents aren't being unreasonable.

I believe in it. Once a child reaches 5 or so they are now influenced by peers, other adults, etc who play a role in who they grow up to be. In an ideal world you would have a wide range of friends, teachers, coaches, etc all exerting a positive influence.

I agree. For me, a village doesn't have to necessarily be there for the child, but also for the parents. I couldn't manage without my support network.

My daughter is 2 years old and Iv only ever left her once, and she was asleep in bed, not everyone has the benefit of family & friends to take care of their child/ren, so I guess it's how you view it. I personally think people that constantly leave there child for 'me time or 'date' nights are wrong, why have a child if your not the one raising it

I really appreciated supported from mothers of teens when ds at height of teen drama. Especially the honest ones. Also appreciated when parents worked together roughly having the same rules and checked in with each other. Also l got my dm to have a word with him a few times as he never wanted to let her down. A youth leader also took great interest in him as did one particular teacher. When all is going well its fine but as teens sometimes can be difficult any help is an advantage.

@namechange9681 Parents need to take care of their own well being in order to parent well. If you don't take time to rest and rejuvenate, you'll end up being a run down and/or shouty parent.
You also need to maintain a good relationship with your DP. Kids deserve to live in a household where parents are loving to one another and have a zest for life. Not parents who are tired, always working, crabby and pissed off alot of the time.

I would also say it's not healthy to never leave your kids with someone else (you trust) or they will become clingy and lack resilience. It will cripple them socially growing up.

It definitely does take a 'village' to raise a child imo.

It depends what you mean by the saying.
I used to think that it meant "it's great to have multiple inputs to a child's life so you get to see other ways of doing/being". However it can sometimes mean "this is the way our community thinks life is. Don't you dare deviate." For example, this thread
The first is good. The second, not.

I agree in the sense that you need time to rest and get jobs done so it’s good if someone else can babysit. When people lived in closer knit communities there was always a Gran or aunt etc to give mum a break. A lot of mums nowadays struggle without support.

I also think the other loved adults in my children's life (grandparents, nanny, aunts and uncles) give them something I can't, not because I'm deficient, but because surprisingly enough they're not me. I've learned from watching DS1 with others.

We half live in Spain totally agree. There all the extended family go out together at night eat together share childcare, share care of elderly. All family chastise. And support. They are so much more respectful. An example of this is last week we were at a festival. Beer priced at 1 euro. Lots of teens (but also lots of older people and children) I noticed at the end there wasn't a single piece of rubbish. All had been put in the bin, no drunken issues.
Extended families demonstrate respect for each other

I think it’s a rare child that wouldn’t benefit from multiple, positive adult inputs.

Thanks for the input everyone.

So am I right in thinking the majority of people are happy for friends and family to intervene without you necessarily asking them. What if you are present? What is the boundary for family "overstepping". After all there are many ways to raise a child and everyone has a different way and may think there's is better.

For example I have a friend who is constantly reprimanding her nephew very firmly for what can be percieved as minor things. Would this be OK? Is it beneficial to the child? What if the mother doesn't feel it is necessary to "keep the child in their place" so to speak to the extent that others are trying to inforce.

The way I was raised I was made to feel very subservient and even to this day I struggld to have proper adult relationships as a result of those feelings.

Can a body share how they were raised and how it has affected them?

Thank you

Struggle *
Anybody*

I totally agree with it. I live in a lovely community and my children have benefited greatly from this. So have DH and I.

We don't have family close by so it's great to feel we can lean on the community for help. I guess we are lucky to have found such a great village to live in where people are very friendly and kind and everyone gets stuck in with helping eachother out and looking out for eachother.

I have have flourished as a SAHM in this community and DH is now a massive part of the community through the work that he does. And the DCs have grown up with a wonderful community of people who love them.

I can only speak from my experience obviously. I don't know what it's like bringing up children in a city or even a town. But a village is the best place for us.

I also think family are welcome to contribute to the parenting of my children. We all have boundaries and so far no one has over stepped the mark to much with taking responsibility of my children
Sometimes my mum and MIL can be a bit over bearing but nothing a quick word can't sort out. And seeing as we don't see them day to day a bit of spoiling won't harm them. And if they feel the need to disapline my children its probably because they have done something that I didn't see them do and the adult in the room reminds them how to behave.

I think in most circumstances it's best for the village to support the parents and not undermine them

I think it depends what it means.

My DPs had me fairly youngish (19) and I wasn't planned as a result they ended up living with both sets of PILs at some point up until I was 6yo and they'd got their own house.
I think my DPs never really set any boundaries or rules in place and really winged it, I had lots of overbearing input from my DGPs specifically DGMs who essentially instilled in me that it's all about what other people would think/say and how important being pretty etc is also an unrealistic view of myself. I remember being fed sweets in secret and being allowed things behind my parents backs after they'd said no. My parents would know about it in the end but not correct it and there was a general "respect and do not question your elders" attitude. There was never any routine which I crave now.
Iremember my DGPs calling me into their house on my way home from school (it was along the way to my house) and giving me dinner even though DM was at home waiting for me with the dinner she cooked and she just let them or she'd be shrugged off when she'd bring it up.
DM also seemed unprepared to deal with 2DCs and a house on her own once we moved our from DGPs and she'd smack us and scream at us when we would get on her nerves. I remember being called a "worthless bitch" before I turned 9. I do think that was down to the fact that she wasn't used to having to run an entire household as there was lots of people mucking in before.
I also remember lots of sleepovers and constantly seeing my DGPs which was lovely but I ended up favouring them over my DPs...

As a result my parents expected to be able to have a similar sort of input with my DC's which for obvious reasons isn't happening and they are acting very put out because of it.

So I think it very much depends on the sort of "village" your DC's are surrounded by.

Complete @ollocks if you ask me! I can't have children and I have no interest in raising anyone elses!!!!

I completely believe it. I take ‘village’ to mean extended family as well as the community. We’re lucky enough to love in a very close knit community and it warms my heart to know we have so much support

One shouldn’t underestimate a child’s intelligence. If one adult reprimands a child for something its parents allow, the child will either say so, or go back to the parents to ask for permission. If the parent isn’t present, as long as the child comes to no harm, it’s not a big deal if the child is kept on a tighter leash for a morning or afternoon. The child will learn the people do things differently, and also appreciate what he/she does and doesn’t have with his/her own parents.

The main thing is for all concerned adults have similar values. This is what a community is. People with a shared world view, similar values. It can be family, friends, neighbours. Everyone moving in more or less the same direction.

OP, I would never really want anyone to shout at my child or even talk to go very sternly, but I absolutely expect them to tell him when he is wrong or enforce rules.
E.g. if my DS was to hit another child, I'd fully support any adult calmly telling him that was wrong, to apologise and inform me about it. But if they shouted at him, if he pissed off tbh.

I think said 'village' does need to be in tune with your parenting style and work to compliment that. E.g if i made it clear i didnt like my child being shouted at and my mum shouted at my DS telling him off, if have serious words. But on the other and if the spectrum, I think it's ridiculous that some parents don't let others tell their DS' off.

I think there is a difference between undermining a parent and taking a village. In the example of the nephew I think it depends what he’s being told off for and where. I am happy for my children to be told something is unacceptable in someone else’s house that may be perfectly acceptable at home because it’s ok for people to have different rules. It also works the other way the dc sometimes get to do things at others they don’t get to at home and as long as it isn’t dangerous or harmful then I don’t have a problem with it.
I also think it’s ok for another adult to say to my children that something isn’t acceptable that I have told them off for because I think sometimes it can seem just like mum nagging and it reinforces that no actually this behaviour isn’t acceptable to anyone.

‘The village’ don’t have the right to undermine and directly overrule parents though but can be a fantastic support to the whole family. Raising children isn’t just about behaviour it’s about trying to raise a rounded, reasonable human being without screwing them up too much and outside influences can be a big help in that.

@namechange I actually think it’s unhealthy and quite selfish to not let trusted people look after your child. My ILs and my dad adore my son and they love spending time together on their own without us present....it allows them to form a strong bond. What would I deprive them of that?

It’s also vital that DH and I invest in our marriage by having time alone. That benefits the whole family. It doesn’t mean we love DS any less.