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Parenting

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Original poster

Dd says she doesn’t love me any more

42 replies

twinkltoes · 02/11/2018 05:05

My dd and I have always been close but just lately she told me she doesn’t love me any more, she wants a new mummy and I’m no longer her friend.

I feel really hurt by this, I do everything for her and work really hard to please her and make sure she’s got everything she needs. I buy her treats after school, always am there for her (apart fro me work of course) and never leave her with anyone else.

I feel like she ripped my heart out saying these things,she said them on two occasions now and I’m really upset.Its usually after I had to tell her off or the second time was when she woke me up at 4am to look for her toys (I was grumpy and told her to get back to sleep).

She started school in September and since then her behaviour has been up and down but I never thought I’d ever hear her say she doesn’t love me and wants a new mummy.

OP posts:

Unicornandbows · 02/11/2018 05:13

How old is she?

She most likely doesn't mean it, kids come out with all sorts of things.
When she says that how do you react? Have you tried to tell her 'that's not very nice.. You hurt mummy' etc

SD1978 · 02/11/2018 05:13

You must know she doesn't mean it- surely? She juts started school, so she is 4 or 5 year old? I get that it's hurtful, but she's not genuinely asking you to put her in care so she can pick new parents. Explain that it's hurtful, and not nice. I'm sure she'll repeat it many more times over the years to come! She in a new environment and it's tough. She's probably all over the place with her emotions.

INeedNewShoes · 02/11/2018 05:16

She doesn't mean it. She's testing the waters and trying out saying something mean. Apart from saying at the time 'that's not a nice thing to say' I'd keep your reaction calm.

Honestly, a 5 year old doesn't know how hurtful this is, or what it really means.

Starting school is a massive thing for some children so she's just checking she's secure at home. She'll also be hearing and seeing new behaviours at school and having to process all that.

She'll be blissfully unaware (as young children should be) of everything you do for her so that shouldn't come in to it.

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Vitalogy · 02/11/2018 05:17

Children can be very crafty. She sounds like she's saying this to manipulate you and it's working! Try and be firm but fair with her. We can't always be liked by our children but I'm in little doubt she doesn't love you.

Nip this in the bud now or else she'll walk all over you, you'll make a rod for your own back, it'll do your daughter no good either, she'll end up spoilt.

Original poster

twinkltoes · 02/11/2018 05:20

She’s 5,I am just so shocked because she’s always told me she loves me and we are close.

I know I should be calm about it but I feel so upset,she loves school but I know her behaviour has been up and down for a while.I just never thought I’d hear my 5 year old say things like this to me,I thought she’d be like this as a teenager.

OP posts:

Vitalogy · 02/11/2018 05:21

When they say "I hate you" say "I love you" back, it confuses them

Original poster

twinkltoes · 02/11/2018 05:22

Vitalogy I think sometimes she might be spoilt,I worry that this is part of the problem because I feel disrespected.She often says ‘I’m not going to listen to you’ too these days.Its like she completely rebelling against me.

I’m always kind,have time to play with her,buy her lovely things and go out of my way for her so I am very stung by this.

OP posts:

Original poster

twinkltoes · 02/11/2018 05:26

Well I should say that I’m not always accommodating at 4am when she wants me to get up and look for her toys! All other times I’m very kind!

OP posts:

Staringcoat · 02/11/2018 05:27

I know this is upsetting op but please don't take her words literally.

Is there something upsetting your DD specifically or is it just the general starting school thing? As pp said, it's a huge change for them, and she's probably saying that because she knows it elicits attention; and she's probably in need of a bit of extra attention right now. Or she is hitting out generally at the new "unfairness" (as she sees it) of full time school and you (the person she actually loves most) are a safe sounding board for that.

I'm parenting a teen right now and believe me, they can say some harsh things, but you have to kind of distance yourself from the actual words and look at what lies behind them. Usually, when they are being the most foul, is when they need the most "mothering". Very difficult of course because having been insulted, that is when you feel least like being affectionate and consiliatory, but teens often can't see how they are hurting you, and I think four/five your olds can be the same!

HSMMaCM · 02/11/2018 05:32

My DD told me she hated me a few times at about the same age. As Vitology says, I just replied "I love you". I think she was very over tired at the stress of starting school and just venting her emotions. She's 19 now and regularly tells me she loves me since she moved out for uni.

Original poster

twinkltoes · 02/11/2018 05:33

Thanks Staringcoat,I’ve asked if everything is ok at school and she says it is.She gets lots of attention from me,toys,love,praise and maybe she’s reacting to being away from me at school.

It’s so hard to know why she’s behaving like this.

OP posts:

Vitalogy · 02/11/2018 05:35

OP, have you got much support from others around you?

Lonecatwithkitten · 02/11/2018 05:37

'I hate you' and ' you are the worst parent in the world' were all standard fair when DD was between 5 and 10 years of age. The reply to I hate you was 'well that's good because I love you' and to you are the worst parent in the world she got 'that is because I am your parent not your friend'.
It is said to hurt in the hope you will relent on your likely perfectly reasonable parenting decision. It needs to be water of a ducks back or she will up the anti to get her own way.

Original poster

twinkltoes · 02/11/2018 05:38

I’m a single parent,I work part time shifts and she is looked after by my sister when I work.I don’t have a lot of support though apart from my sister.

OP posts:

Staringcoat · 02/11/2018 05:40

I think you can give extra affection and show you care, without being walked all over! If my DD ever says "I hate you" , like pp, I always say back in a fairly brisk and breezy manner "well I love you lots and now you have to do x or y because if you don't we'll be late/we'll miss the bus etc etc."

And if she says "I'm not going to listen to you" you can calmly repeat the reasons why she should, or what might happen if she doesn't (natural consequences) take the heat out of the argument and let her think about her next choice.

Staringcoat · 02/11/2018 05:45

There may not be a specific reason op - it may just be tiredness talking - and a reaction to having to behave at school all day.

Staringcoat · 02/11/2018 05:48

As it happens, I remember watching a programme about a reception class not long ago, and I was surprised by how tightly every second of every day was micro-managed. That's quite a change if you're not used to it and it certainly looked quite exhausting! She may just be generally fed up with being told what to do!

Starlight345 · 02/11/2018 05:48

Kids do say this .

You have to understand is she doesn’t like not getting her own way. This is normal . She is looking for a response so either I love you or calm ok.

My Ds says it but once he is calm feels awful.

Our own children know which buttons to press.

To be clear I would not be looking for a toy for a 5 year old in the middle of the night unless it was special teddy. I think a grumpy response is very appropriate

Chottie · 02/11/2018 05:55

She's only little, she doesn't understand what she is saying. Don't take it to heart. Give her a cuddle and a kiss and tell her you love her.

I can remember my DD going through a stage of telling me she hated me. It past.

littleblackno · 02/11/2018 05:55

My DS regularly wanted to leave home at that age. We are very close and he’s a real mummy’s boy. I was uninvited to my kids bday parties “that’s a shame given I’m paying for it”
DS and DD both told me I wasn’t their best friend anymore “ok but I am still your mummy and I love you lots.”
You need to distance yourself from these comments and understand they don’t mean them literally they are testing you out.
School is a massive transition and they will be hearing new things from their peers all the time. Really don’t worry too much about it it all sounds normal to me.

Original poster

twinkltoes · 02/11/2018 05:55

I’d understand more if she said she was sorry afterwards or felt bad,I’d think that was normal to lash out because she’s angry or upset.

It doesn’t bother her at all that this upsets me,she doesn’t say I’m sorry afterwards or even want a cuddle.I think I’d be quicker to forget about if I felt she said it just in the heat of the moment then it taken back.

I’m probably reading way too much into it but it seems to not bother her one bit that she says hurtful things.

OP posts:

Vitalogy · 02/11/2018 05:55

OP, I was a lone parent too. We have to be careful not to rely on our children for our emotional needs/support. That's too much of a burden for them. We have to try and be strong when they don't like us much. Not to give into their demands for us to feel liked/loved and to get that much needed love and support for ourselves.

Original poster

twinkltoes · 02/11/2018 05:58

Vitalogy yes I think you are right there,I am trying my best to do everything for her and I’ve always loved the love and cuddles,like I said we are close.I think I need to step back and just learn to deal with this new behaviour.

OP posts:

Vitalogy · 02/11/2018 06:14

I'm guilty of doing too much for my son at times. I suspect it's trying to make up some how for lack of input from other parent.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2018 06:18

The things you describe really are normal. Expecting apologies are putting adult reasoning an a child, who is so little, not much more than a baby really.

My dd is 10. I accept she isn’t very good at apologising. She will get there at some stage. If I pushed her to apologise, it wouldn’t help the situation and would create a lot of shame in her and that creates psychological difficulties (I got shamed a lot myself). I’m sure you wouldn’t want to shame your dd and I can hear how much you love her.

My dd fluctuates between me being the best person in the world to hating me. I know when dd was your dds age she wanted another woman to be her mummy as the woman played with her and is so much fun and I’m ill / disabled.

Dd now recognises she’s not the best parent and thought it was bizarre when I told her how she felt at 5. Children change such a lot and parenting is the most difficult and amazing thing.

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