Dd says she doesn’t love me any more

[twinkltoes]

My dd and I have always been close but just lately she told me she doesn’t love me any more, she wants a new mummy and I’m no longer her friend.

I feel really hurt by this, I do everything for her and work really hard to please her and make sure she’s got everything she needs. I buy her treats after school, always am there for her (apart fro me work of course) and never leave her with anyone else.

I feel like she ripped my heart out saying these things,she said them on two occasions now and I’m really upset.Its usually after I had to tell her off or the second time was when she woke me up at 4am to look for her toys (I was grumpy and told her to get back to sleep).

She started school in September and since then her behaviour has been up and down but I never thought I’d ever hear her say she doesn’t love me and wants a new mummy.

Yes I’ve overcompensated at times.her dad left me at 8 months pregnant and I try hard to give dd everything she wants or needs.

Its difficult when you are on your own but she is allowed to have negative feelings too. She doesn't have to be good and sweet all the time. As a teacher l see how tired small children get after a very active day where they are expected to be on their best behaviour all day. That can't last so often the parent gets the kickback. Thats not unusual and does not mean you are not doing a good job. Remember your job as a parent is to bring her up in the best way you can so she is not always going to like what you do. You are training her so some of it will get a reaction. Thats fine. You are her parent not her best friend. Its important you have other people and other interests to fall back on so you are not depending on her love. Also don't let her see it hurts or she will see a way of getting back at you when she doesn't get her own way. Ye have a great relationship. It can handle a few knocks. It will be fine.

That's awful hard OP. Getting through all what you've been through so far, makes you a strong person in my book.

Thank you,I think all the love I had from dd helped me through the difficult times she’s always called me her best friend.I guess I need to learn she’s more independent now and probably have to be strong when she’s saying hurtful things.I take it personally but I know she’s only little.

Just wait until she is a raging hormonal teenage mess. One day she will tell you she loves you so much it hurts, the next day she wishes you were dead, the next day there will be tears because she never wants to leave you because she loves you so much, the next day she wishes she was dead because then you’d regret (insert 1001 things here all of which relate to something you have not let her do for her own good) and then you would feel guilty and wished you let her do it.

Kids are after big reactions and they push the boundaries big time to ‘test’ your love. It’s a thing. It’s not personal. Don’t take it personally. In those situations I wouldn’t bat an eyelid and would calmly say ‘okay, well I love you’ and walk off. Seemed to do the trick here.

I think you're too intense. You say you 'try hard to please her' and 'buy her treats after school', it's almost like you're trying to buy her affection, and you don't need to do. You're her mum, doing your best, of course she loves you.

You're right, she is rebelling when she says 'I hate you', but she doesn't mean it, it's just a reaction to the intensity. Don't make her the centre of everything, it's too much pressure for a child.

I feel you're reaction is out of proportion.
Are you feeling vulnerable that she is in the next stage of her life - in school becoming independent.
Do you require more affection or love from her to fill a gap where there isn't from others.

She is a 5 year old who says stuff as she knows what buttons to press. You're reacting like she's an adult saying it.

If you feel low perhaps you're a bit depressed. I'd talk to your gp. Your reaction is really needy and not healthy

Of course she doesn't mean it. Kids that age experiment with destruct-testing everything and pushing in every boundary to see what is firm and unshakable and what is flexible and possibly dangerous. She's not doing it consciously and she has no idea how hurtful and upsetting it is - and it would be bad for her development to try to get her to consciously understand these things at this stage.

What she needs is for the results of this unconscious experiment to be that your love is absolutely firm and unshakeable.

When she says she doesn't love you say "that's a shame - I will always always love you and there's nothing that will ever stop that. Even when I have to be strict and cross sometimes I still love you". When she says she wants a new mummy say "I am your mummy and I always always will be and I will always love you"

Don't hold a grudge about this and expect apologies when she's old enough to realise the hurt - she won't remember this and you certainly shouldn't remind her.

@cusioncuddle I think I’m tired and stressed, not depressed and I really don’t need to see my GP! I wouldn’t even say I’m needy, I’m more than happy for dd to be independent, her saying cruel things to me does upset me though.

@tenorladybeaker I totally agree, I’m adjusting to a new phase of our relationship and so is dd. It will take time and while she tests the boundaries with me I will be supportive and loving.

I remember testing the boundaries with my mum who sadly is no longer with us,she was always so kind and loving and I hope to always be the same with dd.

When I tell my four year old I love him he says 'no I love (brother's name)'. I just say 'thats good, he loves you too'. It wouldn't occur to me to get upset by it. Of course your daughter loves you, sometimes she may not like you but that's normal if you're doing normal parent things (setting boundaries like not looking for toys at 4am!). You sound very anxious for your daughter to like you - have confidence in being her mum not her friend. Good luck!

A couple of things from your response . A child doesn’t get everything they want . Need is different. It is important they learn delayed gifts , sometimes no, the same as learning to lose.

Also you are not and never have been her best friend. You are her parent and actually not been liked by our kids for putting in boundaries is very normal . It’s a sign you are parenting.

As for apology at her age she still just see’s you as secure so she can say what is in her head.

My Ds ( now 11) is reminded I have feelings .

It sounds hard for you... she is testing you though to see if you're there for her. Starting school is a big shock. Can you look for other parents to make new friends/ have a support system? It is not necessarily a good thing to never leave her with anyone else. I am a single parent too and found it useful when ds started school to widen my social group and meet different types of people who were also parents. It was good for my son too.

I think she doesn't say sorry or backtrack because she didn't mean it even when she said it.

I always said 'well, you don't have to love me, I love you anyway. you do have to do whatever non-taxing thing it was though.

Yeah mine has said that a lot. "I don't love you anymore!" (that's ok darling, I love you lots) , "You're not my best friend anymore" (that's ok, I'm still your mummy though), "you're not my favourite mummy anymore" (well I'm the only one you get so try to make do), "you're so mean and horrible to me!" "I want a new mummy" etc etc blah blah blah. She also tells me she loves more than the moon and planet (but not the sun apparently) and that I'm the bestest mummy in the whole world and that she wants to live with me until she's 100.

It's how they express anger and frustration. My 2yo will throw herself on the ground when I don't please her. The older one tells me I'm a bad mummy. I take both as signs I'm doing it right. Acknowledge that she's angry then move on.

It does hurt when children say things like this

But she doesn't mean it. She really doesn't. It's just the most powerful thing she can think of to say, because she's cross.

My very distressed, angry 16yo said the other day that he's not my son, he has no connection with me and would never consider coming to me with his problems. It hurt like hell. But it doesn't add up when you consider the hours I spend stroking his hair and holding his hand when he's sobbing and pouring his heart out to me. I've needed MN and my RL friends to tell me that he doesn't mean it and I'm just the safest person for him to direct his unmanageable feelings at, because he knows I will love him however awful he is to me.

She does love you, and she knows you love her

OP. I'm just sending you a much needed 10 second virtual hug! You are a good mum. X 💐

@Greensleeves and @Paperdolly

Thank you for your kindness,it really made a big difference when I read your words.Ive been down today, it’s a a combination of other things as well as dd,it means a lot when people are kind.😍