Sick of being treated like I’m a monster..

[Unspoken]

Hi,

I’m a 29 year old man, I know this is MUMsnet but couldn’t find anywhere else to get opinions.

I have a 8 year old son who sees me as some sort of angry monster and cry’s everything I ask him a question or to do anything and I feel he is totally scared of me which is the last thing I want for my relationship with my son..

He ALWAYS looks at me when he’s out playing to see if I’m looking or if I’m going to get him in trouble and I hate it.. I just want him to enjoy himself without him thinking this.. I’ve thought about ejecting myself from things but I also don’t want to miss out on his life growing up..

Of course I don’t let him away with murder and if he has done something wrong I will let him know (hitting, not listening or just plain mucking around). I have never struck him in any way, shape or form but I will yell at him and I suppose that can be scary for him but I’ve saw lots of parents yell at their child.. I feel I am fair with him also and if he’s doing something well I will praise him and let him know how proud I am etc which he enjoys..

I help him with everything.. reading, writing, football training, teaching.. the lot.. and if I’m trying to explain or tell him he’s wrong (without yelling).. he cries and says “your going to get me in trouble”.. this really annoys me as I’m doing zero wrong.. but I end up getting angry and sending him out the room for it.

In my eyes, he does this because it’s his way of getting out of the situation because he’s lazy and doesn’t want to try.. he wants to just sit about and play on his computer games.. I’m the type of guy that won’t just give up because it’s difficult and will always try 100%... and I’m trying to get my son to be like this but I feel I’m just getting made out to be some angry monster and I’m getting sick of it.

I myself felt this exact same way with my dad (when he was around) until i was older and now I don’t speak to him or want anything to do with him. I fear this is what might happen with my relationship with my son.

Does anyone else have this experience or am I just looking to much into this?

Thanks

Can you remember back to why your father made you feel that way? Just so you can compare your behaviour to his?

Have you asked him what is making him cry?

Perhaps you come across to him as critical, even if you're not intending to, if you see what I mean.

You've kind of answered your own question about it really. You are acting like your own father did towards you and you didn't like your own dad.

It's not easy. I had a difficult relationship with my own mum, still do, and I was always afraid of having a daughter because I was afraid of being like my own mum was towards my daughter. As it turns out I have 2 sons. But I still am conscious of actively trying to be the opposite of my own mum.

You do need to talk yourself out of getting angry with him. Getting cross and sending him to his room isn't achieving what you want it to really. You have to keep calm, try and talk to him about what the problem is and work out how you can help him. I find when I'm getting wound up, I act extra calm and extra nice to calm every one down. It helps although it's not easy.

He sounds terrified of you.
Not normal imo.
May be you shout to much or to loud?

Thanks for the replies!

When I shout, it’s not like I’m screaming at him or anything and I don’t shout for just everything. I try and talk to him about things but he just cries.

But yes when I do shout I can shout..

I always respected my father as he was hard working and I always looked up to him but always had that fear in the back of my mind that if I done something wrong that I would’ve knew about it and yes.. in ways I can see I’m the same towards my son.

The reason I don’t speak with my father is because he cares more about money than his family but that’s another story.

I myself adore my son and will do anything for him. I’ve gave up job opportunities etc to make sure I was always there for him.

I have been told I get angry pretty easily and this has always been an issue for me to the people I love. I don’t really want to admit that to people but again.. I’ve seen people be MUCH worse to their child.

I try my hardest for him and try to show him the correct ways to do things.

Has no one else or their partners had this problem?

Just to say that I know how you feel. I lose my temper quite quickly and even my non angry speaking voice can sound quite harsh. I spent a lot of time resisting any change, just saying "that's who I am" etc. But then I saw my behaviour start to replicate in my son and I knew that as the adult it was my responsibility to change, not his. So long story short, it sounds like you've got to do something about your anger/mannerisms. Even if you don't want to. Maybe get some help? And well done for coming to MN to talk about it, it's the first step and shoes you love your son. Good luck OP.

*shows

Ps don't compare how other kids react to being shouted at. All kids are different and have different amounts of tolerance/sensitivity so their reaction is irrelevant. Your son is showing you it's affecting him. So listen.

My DD reacts completely differently to me shouting and DH shouting. She ignores me and is scared of him. We decided, on the basis of this, that we would do our utmost to not shout. It has made everything much calmer and also stopped her shouting.

If you really can't stop, then maybe see if you can find an anger management course. It's clearly affecting your son.

You’re going to get much better advice from other people than I can give, but one thing jumping out from your posts is this:

“I’ve seen people be MUCH worse to their kids”

They are. Some people are mean to their kids. And some kids come through that fine, and others don’t. But the main thing is, you’re not them, and your son isn’t their kid.

Don’t start a race to the bottom of parenting, you’re trying to be the best you can be, to make your son the best he can be, and to have the best relationship together that you can have.

Comparison is the thief of joy - try not to.

Just because other people do much worse to there children doesn't make it ok or doesn't mean that your child isn't being affected by what you are doing to him.

Put yourself in his shoes, what are you 3ft taller than him? Shouting at him and the physical size difference is going to be scary, now imagine if someone 3 ft taller than you was doing it to you? You would be scared and intimidated. You would probably have a stress reaction and either cry, run off or fight back. Well he can't run off or fight back as he'll get in more trouble so his only option is to cry.

Your child is different to you, has a different personality so you can't use your own standards of not giving up on him. If he isn't doing his homework and football training then what is the problem with some computer time? Play it with him or take him out swimming or something in the morning and let him play it in the afternoon.

Stop shouting at him. It's that simple. There's no need, unless he's about to be in a dangerous situation.

Alongside that, are you warm, kind and gentle generally? Do you smile at him, touch him fondly, tell him what he's good at and what you like about him? Praise him for things he's done well without being prompted by him or someone else? When he cries do you comfort him? It's ok to cry, it's his own reaction to what's happening, don't judge it as a weakness or a problem. When you talk, do you let him speak at length or are you doing all the talking/telling?

Also, don't compare yourself to other parents who you think are "worse" than you. It's not about them and their parenting. Just because you're not brutalizing your son as much as they are doesn't mean you're doing the right things!

Ashamed to say for a period of a year I was a shouter to my DC. I was going through a shit time but that was no excuse. I was resembling my own abusive dad. I knew i needed counselling but provision in my area is woeful.
Best advice I got was to imagine there were cameras in every corner of your house. What would friends, family, strangers or professionals think if they could see yo shouting and your DC responding like that? It really stopped me in my tracks. That may sound shit but it worked for me and my DC.

You need to stop judging what you’re doing by the fact that other people are shoutier. There will always be someone worse, but it’s not relevant.

Your son is telling you that he finds your shouting scary, it makes him cry, it makes him worry about enjoying himself in case he gets something wrong and makes you angry. This is not good.

If you get angry quickly, then you need to look into anger management treatment. You need to find ways to stop shouting and start communicating more effectively with him.

You can do this, it’s not too late, and you can build a good relationship together. We can all be a bit shouty sometimes, but when that develops into a pattern, then it’s a problem.

Do you have set rules, so that he knows when he’s breaking them and when he’s not? I remember the worst thing about my dad was not knowing what would set him off - one day something would be fine, then the next day he’d be in a bad mood and I’d get punished for doing the same thing. Consistency is so important for kids. They need to know where they stand.

He’s old enough to sit down and discuss the rules with.

I help him with everything.. reading, writing, football training, teaching.. the lot.. and if I’m trying to explain or tell him he’s wrong (without yelling).. he cries and says “your going to get me in trouble”.. this really annoys me as I’m doing zero wrong.. but I end up getting angry and sending him out the room for it.

This stood out. What does he mean by "get me in trouble"? In trouble with who? Or does he just mean tell me off?
I think you need to have some serious talks with him about everyone making mistakes and that being an important part of learning. And as much as you can turn your language round so instead of telling him what he's doing wrong and needs to change, you tell him what he's doing right, and how he can make it even better. But you also can't let him get out of doing homework say by crying and getting told off and sent away as soon as anything goes wrong. He may not be doing it consciously even but that will get manipulated. If you take a wrong turn, deep breath, apologise, tell him you know he can do it and you're going to help him. Give him a minute to calm down, take a step back, and have another go.

Do sympathise, my 9 yr old drives me up the wall, he also does the crying thing and gets all indignant if I venture to suppose I know better about things. Staying calm is absolutely key. I've come to realise I can't make him agree with me - I can make sure he tries it my way anyway, by having a carrot to dangle that he only gets screen time once homework or music practice or whatever it is is done to my satisfaction. Baby steps, but I hope he is gradually realising that my way he does actually make better progress/get praise from his teacher for doing good work.

Once you shout, you've lost the game basically. Quiet voice, bored even, but he doesn't get what he wants till he has done what needs to be done. You can be more stubborn than an 8 year old and you do hold all the power in the situation.

I think that it is sometimes easy to get in a negative spiral where you criticise, correct and get cross. The child gets lots of criticism but little praise. You say yourself that you get angry easily - so having identified this trait you need to work on changing it. You didn't like your father but now you are replicating the pattern with your own son.

I found myself doing it with dd1 at one time as she has ASD and it got to be that many of our interactions were negative, which led to her feeling stressed and her behaviour declining and me getting cross again. As the adult it was up to me to change our interactions. I chose to not even mention minor behaviour issues - all kids muck around at times so just don't mention it or roll your eyes. With football training don't try to coach or criticise - just be the cheer team. Try and give him a lot of praise for things he is doing well or everytime he is helpful. Make sure you praise the things he is doing right more than you criticise his faults. With my own dd our relationship and her behaviour improved the less I criticised and I saved shouting only for life-threatening issues.

And look into your own anger issues and train yourself to change reactions.

Thank you all for the replies and advice!

I will definitely take on board some of these comments.

I always show my son love when he’s hurt or had a rubbish day at school etc by cuddling and I always tell him I love him. I also praise him when he has done something well but I will also tell him if he needs to improve on something. Like I say I love my son with all my heart and would do anything for him. I just want him to be the best he can be. As I never really had that when I was growing up, I feel if I was encouraged more.. I could’ve been better in life.

I dont feel I compare myself to others, as that’s their children and has nothing to do with me.

But yeah I probably should have a look at myself and try and calm down. Imagine if I was someelse looking in on me at that time what I would think..

Thanks all

It all sounds very intense? Is your DS anxious because he feels under constant watch and can't relax and just "be"?

When you are helping him and trying to improve his skills maybe rephrase the way you say it. Children often want to be like their parents so instead of "Your doing it wrong, do it like this!" Try "When I was younger this is how I was taught, see if you can do it".

If you are helping him with things like maths then children are taught different methods to the way we were taught and he may well get in trouble for using a different one. DD and I had this discussion over column method in maths, it seemed much easier to me but was not the method / Skill she was supposed to be working on for that piece of homework.

Is his Mum on the scene? Could you find out more from her about maybe why he's feeling like this?

My ex would say he didn’t really shout or was only being like any other parent or that d deserved it. Reality is he’s a bad tempered arsehole who she no longer wants to see, he’d flip in a hot second and I’m so glad he’s no longer under our roof.

He can’t understand that, he was street angel house devil.

Where is his mum in all of this? Does she discipline him at all or does all of that fall on you with her doing all of the fun bits? That’s what my mum did all the ‘just wait til your dad gets home’ etc and would explain why he’s scared of you.

I just want him to be the best he can be.

^this, makes it sound like perhaps without meaning it you are never off his back and constantly criticising the things he does. Children start to get edgy if they think they will be told off all the time and start to doubt themselves even when they are doing nothing wrong, hence him watching you all the time even while he is playing, he is waiting to be told he is doing something wrong (waiting for the next criticism). Ease up on him and remember he is still just a child. Sometimes pushing a child too much can make them go completely the wrong way.

I just want him to be the best he can be.

You do this by building his confidence up, by being a secure, loving, constant presence. Criticising excessively will not do this, neither will the shouting and disapproval of crying.

Do you tell him what you like about him or what he's good at in situations other than when doing homework/tasks? Are you warm towards him generally, without their being a requirement for him to have done things to your chosen standard? Do you cuddle him and tell him you love him on days when he hasn't had a rubbish day at school?

You also tell him how 'he needs to improve on something'. Hmm. That sounds like you are judging him and telling him he's not up to your standards.
How do you feel about his computer games? If you are dismissive of stuff that's important to him, he will feel dismissed by you. So never say say 'get off that stupid computer' or 'stop playing those stupid games'. He loves those games and he connects with his friends through this shared interest. You can't dismiss it as stupid. You have to show approval for things that are important for him.
Shouting is frightening for a child. It frightens them.