Sick of being treated like I’m a monster..

[Unspoken]

Hi,

I’m a 29 year old man, I know this is MUMsnet but couldn’t find anywhere else to get opinions.

I have a 8 year old son who sees me as some sort of angry monster and cry’s everything I ask him a question or to do anything and I feel he is totally scared of me which is the last thing I want for my relationship with my son..

He ALWAYS looks at me when he’s out playing to see if I’m looking or if I’m going to get him in trouble and I hate it.. I just want him to enjoy himself without him thinking this.. I’ve thought about ejecting myself from things but I also don’t want to miss out on his life growing up..

Of course I don’t let him away with murder and if he has done something wrong I will let him know (hitting, not listening or just plain mucking around). I have never struck him in any way, shape or form but I will yell at him and I suppose that can be scary for him but I’ve saw lots of parents yell at their child.. I feel I am fair with him also and if he’s doing something well I will praise him and let him know how proud I am etc which he enjoys..

I help him with everything.. reading, writing, football training, teaching.. the lot.. and if I’m trying to explain or tell him he’s wrong (without yelling).. he cries and says “your going to get me in trouble”.. this really annoys me as I’m doing zero wrong.. but I end up getting angry and sending him out the room for it.

In my eyes, he does this because it’s his way of getting out of the situation because he’s lazy and doesn’t want to try.. he wants to just sit about and play on his computer games.. I’m the type of guy that won’t just give up because it’s difficult and will always try 100%... and I’m trying to get my son to be like this but I feel I’m just getting made out to be some angry monster and I’m getting sick of it.

I myself felt this exact same way with my dad (when he was around) until i was older and now I don’t speak to him or want anything to do with him. I fear this is what might happen with my relationship with my son.

Does anyone else have this experience or am I just looking to much into this?

Thanks

It’s great that you recognise a problem and want to change. There is a blog called The Orange Rhino written by a woman who realised she was yelling too much at her kids. She set herself a challenge of yelling less and documented it. It’s really interesting and you may find it useful in your own situation.

I myself adore my son and will do anything for him.

Except moderate your own behaviour. Which is ALL he needs.

Interesting thread title - you're blaming HIM for you feeling like a monster. You blame your parents for not pushing you. Look a little closer to home.

A couple of things

When you say "I'm the type of guy that won't give up just because it's difficult and will always try 100%....and I'm trying to get my son to be like this". I think you need to take on board that your son may be a different, more sensitive character to yourself, so a different more sensitive approach may be in order. Maybe grab a copy of "How to talk so kids listen..." it's very helpful. Also, bear in mind that he's only eight and resilience takes a while to build up!

I really sympathise though because I had a very stern parent like your father (traditional Irish Catholic mammy born in the 1920s who wielded a wooden spoon and had had a harsh upbringing herself) and not knowing any different I realised I was being too harsh and strict with my DD when she was young and I was quite shouty too. It came from a well intentioned place because I was really anxious that she would know how to behave, do well in life, be able to look after herself and as she's an only, I was conscious that I only had one chance to get it right. But it wasn't working and DD (quite rightly) got more vociferous in her refusal to comply.

What I found helpful was mixing with other families and learning from how they disciplined their DC in a kind non-shouty family. And my dh emphasised LOVE first and was very kind and gentle in his approach.

Obviously you love your son very much op, but if he can't see that because he feels criticised or under pressure, he will resist your advice more and more.

The bottom line is you have to build up the love and connection between you now through kindness and gentleness (and humour is very good in this situation too) and he needs to know you are on his side. Children are not automatons and when he is a teen and not under your direct supervision, and things are difficult, that residual connection between you is the only thing that keeps everything on track sometimes. And ultimately, although parenting books don't mention it enough, love is the key!

Have you asked other people if they think you shout a lot? Do you live with your son's mother? Does she think you're too harsh?
It's always hard to see ourselves how other people see us so I would ask anyone who sees you with your son if they think you're too strict/harsh/angry/pushy with your son.
BUT there is a chance that your son uses tears to get out of doing something. I have a child that does this and for awhile it made me feel so awful so I do understand your frustration. So first I would suggest you need to clarify if the problem is the way you deal with these situations.

The number of times you've talked about him being "correct" and the "best you can be" thing, plus your admission of having anger issues, paint a pretty clear picture that you're critical and rigid in your approach and are very quick to escalate when he isn't "correct". I'd be scared of you too.

Where is his mother in all this? I get the impression you aren't together? What does she think? You need to work on yourself, quite possibly via anger management, and also find new strategies to engage with your son rather than "correcting" him. Try the "how to talk so kids will listen" recommended upthread and look at your local children's centre for parenting courses.