What is wrong with my toddler? Struggling to cope.

[JupiterDrops]

I'll try to keep this concise, I've posted similar threads over the past 18 months about various stages of my DCs life but nothing ever really improves.

DC is 18 months.
They cry or whine constantly, all day long. And I don't mean standard toddler whinging- all of the babies we know of the same age are nothing like this even the most intense ones. A lot of people will say 'oh bless them, is it one of those days, teething maybe?' but close friends who we see often are the only ones who are able to understand and realise that it is completely constant. We get smiles and giggles but on the whole I would describe them as fairly miserable.

They don't seem to be in physical pain as can point out if something hurts eg teeth, and can stop whining when they want to. It's like their default settling is to whine- I realise it sounds like I'm exaggerating but it is relentless, from the second they wake up to the second they go to bed.

My husband and I are so drained. I count down at the weekend until Monday morning so I can go to work, i absolutely hate saying this but it's not very often I enjoy my time with them as I just don't know how much longer I can listen to it.

Doctors aren't interested other than to say they are a 'high needs' child which doesn't help us in any way. We've tried every possible thing we can, including ignoring the whining (it turns into screaming and tears in about 20-30 seconds every single time) and praising/giving lots of attention for the rare moments when there's no whining.

Has anybody had a similar issue? And if so, did you child ever get a diagnosis of something underlying that may have been contributing? They've been this way from the day they were born but it was screaming/crying all day and now whinging.

I just don't know what to do or how we can cope much longer.

My youngest is a bit like this but she’s autistic. How’s their communication? Are they bored/frustrated? Are you sure they’re not in any pain? Is the whining at any particular time? Or just constant? How’s their sleep? Eating?

@KateGrey I've been worried it may be autism potentially.

Communication I would say is good- they can either sign or say when they're hungry/tired/in pain. Not loads of words but can say hi/bye/out/up/walk etc and animal names and noises.

Eating always been good, no changes there. Sleep also good which it has been for a while- good daytime nap and 11 hours solid at night.

I can't be 100% certain it's not pain but they're good at saying if their teeth hurt and don't seem physically uncomfortable so I don't think it is. And no idea what it could be if it was though.

No set time of day, it is constant and relentless! Pretty much 12 hours a day.

@KateGrey oh and in terms of frustration/boredom- it's the same at home (with or without toys), in the car (the worst), or out and about. Park, running round, play dates, classes, soft play- allthe same.

Our DS was similar, he has autism but I think when he was unhappy it was mostly due to a dairy intolerance (which the drs did nothing about, so we took it upon ourselves to stop dairy when he was nearly three. Much better after that)

DD was exactly like that and she has ASD.

If you're in London or Scotland and have concerns, try to find Dr. Ruth Glynne-Owen Owen. She does Pivotal Response Therapy (ABA type thing) and she had answers for us when DD was 19 months.

She runs a charity called Blue Sky Autism

I was wondering food allergy/intolerance of some kind?

Hi Op. Is there one child or two. Are they twins? I'm confused sorry.

My youngest also has coeliac which made her very miserable too.

If you’re not already I’d start keeping notes and videos. With my middle dc (they’re also autistic) it was very obvious looking back. With my youngest not so when she was young but more as she got older. Have you seen your Gp?

What is your DC like at nursery assuming DH is not f:t carer? DS1 is autistic and was a Velcro baby and rarely happy but he also didn't sleep more than 2 hours continuously and never napped in the daytime. We only got a 'break' driving him in the car (provided we never stopped - damn those traffic lights) or walking him in his buggy for miles. Night and day! DH was even questioned by the police in a Tesco car park at 4 am for driving around and around. Must have seemed very odd behaviour!

KeepingOn, are you me?

I’ve spent most of my dds life wreaked. Both are horrific sleepers. Only now at 5 and 9 is it getting marginally better. Playgroups were horrific, lack of speech, eating issues. It isn’t the journey I was expecting.

God love you. I can tell you're at the end of your tether. The absolute end. But somehow, for the love of your child, you are still seeking to explain and help them.
What is this 'high needs' concept? Ive never heard of it before.
ASD does spring to mind- is your child in permanent sensory overload perhaps?

@3out they did have a mild intolerance to dairy early on but grew out of it, they were noticeably worse after having it but we were advised by dr to gradually reintroduce and they are now fine with it. Maybe I should consider another food though.

@LaLaLolly thank you for the recommendation. We are London so definitely something I can look into.

@AstralTraveller just one, I just didn't want to say him/her!

@KateGrey you sound like a saint. Hope for your benefit they are dreamy teenagers to make up for such tough early years.

Thanks for the tip, a diary is something I should have started a long time ago. I'll definitely start now with videos and notes. GP fobbed us off so many times!

Ds was exactly like this and went on to be diagnosed with autism, sensory processing disorder and dyspraxia. He is now 6 and is actually a really happy child - but he needs a lot of help and support, he goes to an autism specific school for children with high functioning autism where he is one in a class of 6 with 3 teachers.

The early years were HARD. The only thing that stopped him whinging was an iPad loaded with games and I feel bad about that because people judge so harshly (!) but it’s the only thing that gave us any peace at all - he had no interest in games / toys / etc.

One thing that really stood out to us was how much he hated noise - music specifically in our case, but noise / people / crowds etc. It all used to set him off. I could never take him to any groups or activities. If I went into a cafe or anywhere there were people about he would scream until we left.

I love ds to the moon and back but those early years were hell.

@JupiterDrops , we were told exactly the same. Told at six months that all his pain, spewing, no sleeping was prob due to dairy intolerance, but that they normally advise reintroducing dairy at 6 months so not to bother omitting it.
When we cut out dairy we also cut out gluten. I’m not great with either (but persevere eating both because I just love them and don’t mind the odd sore tummy and rash haha!) so started from there. I suspected soya too, but he seems to tolerate it fine.

@KeepOnKeepingOnAgainandAgain they're pretty good at nursery (and also with family) considerably better than when with me/DH. Which I don't understand.

No more than 2 hours sleep sounds horrendous. Total credit to you for getting through that. It sounds awful.

Our DS was like this and for him it was just a ‘high needs’ thing and it did improve around 2, but he is still very quick to cry at 5 and an emotional kid. But the whining / whinging / wailing from 0-2 nearly broke us. It was terrible. His babyhood was spent angrily screaming, I walked on eggshells as if he was happy but then tripped and fell, it would start him off and that would be it for the day. It was immensely stressful and if I heard a child with a similar cry (blood curdling scream) in a supermarket I’d tense right up. He was a one off, my other two (one older, one younger) were very laid back babies / toddlers but it was a really hideous couple of years. for you, I genuinely know how you feel, I resented him so much at times because of how utterly stressed out he made us 24/7 and unless you’ve had a child like that you can’t really understand it. We made the mistake of a 5 hour car journey on holiday one summer and he screamed the entire way there, and back. You can imagine I’m sure! But it did change, it did improve, and honestly by 2ish he was just a poppet. He’s a loving, cuddly, gorgeous little boy and the torture of baby/toddlerhood passed.

Wish I had seen a thread like this when my DD was same age!!

Very similar behaviour as your describe OP, she was eventually diagnosed with autism at 3.5.

I didn't get much help from doctors until she passed 2.5ish and still wasn't speaking/very poor behaviour/dreadful sleep. Went down avenue of hearing checks/grommets as well as psychiatric/development screening.

Would suggest:

• record as much as you can about patterns of behaviour, amount of speech (if any). You will have a dossier of evidence to get you taken more seriously
• GET WHATEVER PRACTICAL HELP YOU CAN. A cleaner, a trusted babysitter or relative who is used to the behaviour and spend whole time focused on the DC, online supermarket shopping, Amazon Prime, reducing all non-necessary committments

It is very very hard to have a child like this. My first DC was very easy and happy, so it was a big shock. Look after yourself. I lost my temper so often with DD when she was a toddler because it made no sense. I did even smack her when she was violent and nothing else would stop her (she was drawing blood biting etc). I felt so ashamed but I was honest with the doctors about everything and they were understanding and helped us. I remember sobbing my heart out to a paediatrician and it was a turning point. She confirmed it was NOT normal behaviour and that I had been trying my best. We got more help after that and a diagnosis within 6 months. Life is still hard but with more purpose and support. Even if your DC does not have a disorder that's what you need to get in place for yourself - the purpose and support to help you raise a difficult child. Be kind to yourself and them, take it one day at a time.

Oh and what really sucked was he was often much better with others - I actually filmed him sometimes because family would eyeroll and tell us we were exaggerating...they did realise eventually! It was a white knuckle ride that’s for sure.

Love the diary idea upthread. I’m going through issues with another of my children and you need to really push up get anywhere it seems, but you’ll get there.

@MaruMaru I'm not really sure, it seems to be a bracket term for any child who is maybe more difficult/intense but is either too young for any diagnosis or the doctors just aren't interested in helping.

Thank you for the lovely comment. I think sensory overload is potentially something they do struggle with, as well as extreme frustration all the time.

If he’s fine at nursery and with others have you considered boredom? My neice was exactly like this as a toddler; whiny but if you played challenging games etc she was fine.

@FrightsaidRed you have no idea how ecstatic I am to read your post. From your descriptions my DC is absolute identical to yours. And it gives me hope there is no such underlying cause and that it will pass and get easier as they get older.
We did a 4 hour journey recently to see some of my family and it was horrific, screaming the whole way. If I tell anybody I get the standard 'yep toddlers are tough, they do moan' response and it's so infuriating because it's just NOT that. I am so, so pleased to have encountered somebody who has been through the same and gets it.
So sorry you've had to go through it, I hope I can make it to age 2 before breaking! Hearing that your other children aren't like it is also wonderful to hear. We always imagined having at least 2 but right now I don't think I could deal with another baby like this, the thought that they may not be the same is brilliant. Thank you so much for the support.