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Parenting

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Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to stop breastfeeding

74 replies

amelee · 16/10/2018 11:36

Help! I am a ftm and my son is almost a month old. I have been exclusively breastfeeding and he was 7.5 pounds at birth and at his last weigh in was 9 pounds so I know that he is getting enough and gaining well. The problem is that he cluster feeds at night and doesn’t go to sleep for more than an hour (an hour is long, it’s usually only 20 to 30 minutes) and when I pick him up to feed he falls to sleep on me whilst feeding so never has a ‘big feed’ in the night. We have tried putting my clothes in the Moses basket, giving him a dummy etc to try and settle him but nothing seems to work. My boyfriend is becoming annoyed with me up and out of bed all night picking him up and trying to put him back to sleep as this disturbs him and he has work in the morning. Because of this he wants me to give bottles at night instead (his mum his also pushing this) but I don’t want to as I think things will just improve as baby gets older... any advice?

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QueenOfTheAndals · 16/10/2018 11:41

Do you have another room your boyfriend could sleep in?

MonkeyBrainsInPickle · 16/10/2018 11:44

Could he sleep in the spare room or on the sofa?

Original poster

amelee · 16/10/2018 11:44

No unfortunately there’s only our bedroom, hoping to to move soon but for now we are all in the same room..

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Bluebelltulip · 16/10/2018 11:45

Your baby is still very young, very normal to be as you discribe. Not guaranteed a bottle would make any difference. I wouldn't stop breastfeeding unless YOU want to. It seems your boyfriend has unrealistic expectations of baby sleep.

Lightsong · 16/10/2018 11:47

Even giving bottles at night isn't guaranteed to make baby sleep better. Look into safe co-sleeping, that's the only way we got any sleep with my two BF babies

JurassicAdventure · 16/10/2018 11:48

Boyfriend should sleep in the living room/Kitchen/his mum's house if he wants an uninterrupted night.

CoffeeTable · 16/10/2018 11:48

I don't know why he thinks giving a bottle will solve the problem, it doesn't mean they will magically sleep all night.
Can he sleep on the sofa/airbed in the living room?

lottiegarbanzo · 16/10/2018 11:49

That's babies at night really. You'll still be feeding and settling at night. Others may have good advice for encouraging baby sleep but yes, it will get better.

Maybe boyf could stay at his mum's some nights then?

pastabest · 16/10/2018 11:49

If you are breastfeeding have you looked at safe cosleeping? Then no one has to get out of bed.

If you are happy breastfeeding then carry on.an also get. Switching to bottles is unlikely to improve the situation in the early weeks.

Or get very enthusiastic about the fact that if you are giving bottles then your boyfriend can do some of the nightfeeds on the days he hasn't got work in the morning to give you a break and watch him rapidly change his mind.

Orlande · 16/10/2018 11:49

I don't think it's really about feeding, newborns generally object to sleeping alone.

GMtoBe · 16/10/2018 11:49

Agree with pp. Your boyfriend has an unrealistic expectation of what life with a newborn is like. Please do not stop breastfeeding unless YOU want to. If it bothers your boyfriend so much he should sleep on the sofa. And his mum should mind her own business. Keep going, that sort of feeding is normal. You're doing a great job!

Kit10 · 16/10/2018 11:54

I'd give up the boyfriend!

Joking. Maybe. Seriously, is he aware of the benefits you're giving your child? The sacrifice YOU are making? How selfish he is being?

I would put an end to this discussion immediately, it's ludicrous. Tell him to sleep on the sofa?

ThanksHunkyJesus · 16/10/2018 11:55

Bottle feeding is potentially even more disruptive because you'll have to get up and get the bottle sorted out before you can feed. You should only stop breastfeeding if you want to. It's your body and your choice. I shouldn't think that your boyfriend would be so keen on bottle feeding if he had to do half the night wakings.

Kit10 · 16/10/2018 11:55

Oh and tell him if you switch to bottles he can chip in :)

gallicgirl · 16/10/2018 11:55

You are giving your baby the best start in life and your BF is being an ass.

If you start giving formula will he be getting up to boil the kettle and make the milk then cool it quickly while you comfort a hungry screaming baby? Will BF help with trying to get wind up while his brand new gut gets used to milk not designed for his digestive system?

You're a month in and cluster feeding is entirely normal. Give it another month and things will start to improve. I know it's tough but the frequent waking is building up your supply and helping to protect your baby against sids. Check out safe co-sleeping and stick a boob in the baby's mouth when he wakes.

Original poster

amelee · 16/10/2018 11:57

Thank you all! I never thought about pointing out the fact that he can sleep somewhere else like the sofa or his mums, I know he’ll object to this but I’ll mention it anyway and see if that kind of ends the conversation.

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Notverygrownup · 16/10/2018 12:01

Having a new born is haaaaard work. And going to work with little or no sleep is awful.

If he is tired enough, he will get a good night's sleep on the sofa. Just make sure that when he has a day off from work, he knows that you will need to catch up on sleep too, so that you can keep looking after them both on his working days/nights.

NameChangeCuddleBums · 16/10/2018 12:03

Your boyfriend is the problem not the baby but swaddling may make your baby settle easier.

Congratulations on your new baby.

BrokenWing · 16/10/2018 12:04

Your baby is only a few weeks old it is completely normal and you bf's expectations are way off. Sleepness nights are completely normal at this early stage whether bf or ff and he should be supporting you rather than getting annoyed.

He can absolutely sleep in living room if being in the bedroom disturbs him when he has to get up for work.

And tell him bf is best for your baby and if you are giving it a go he should support this 100% and that includes telling his mum to back off. Everyone should be prioritising and you and your babies best interests, she isn't pushing this for selfless reasons.

You sound quite young/unsure, hope you've got someone there who on your side?

yoohooitsme · 16/10/2018 12:06

Baby is asking for what he needs. Boyfriend is asking for what he needs.

Acceptance and compromise is required.
Bottles is one option, separate room for bf another, earplugs for bf another BUT none is guaranteed success!
What is bf doing to get the sleep he needs - going to bed earlier for example?
What is he doing to help you get the sleep you need?
Work on this together.

Remember most babies wake at night for other reasons as well as feeding.
Babies do impact their parents lives I’m afraid. Fortunately they grow up eventually.

As parents you will have many joint problems to solve and compromise on...together, as for his mum it isn’t her call, though her advice is probably well meaning she is not affected ans what worked for her may not work for you.

Parenting tigether is 24/7 how you divide things may need constant review day to day to meet everyone’s needs.

pancaketosser · 16/10/2018 12:06

YY to what others have said about bottle feeding still meaning getting up and disturbing him at night. He'll be even more disturbed by having to get up and sort bottles himself.

Babies wake up at night, he needs to get used to that fact. Especially when they're still so tiny.

Whoever came up with the phrase "sleeping like a baby" either never had one, or was a man.

NoNoCharlieRascal · 16/10/2018 12:16

So rather than quietly picking up a baby and feeding it he thinks picking up a baby, making a bottle, comforting baby while it cools and then feeding it would be less disturbing? Add in the extra work of cleaning and sterilising...

If he needs to sleep, he needs to find somewhere else to do it. Dh drives for work and so needed to get rest or he could be a danger to himself or others. When ds was small he would sleep on the sofa. He wouldn't have even thought of complaining! I probably would have poked him in the eye if he did!

TheCag · 16/10/2018 12:24

Seriously, tell him to sleep somewhere else. Dh does this so he’s fresh for work, for a few months it just makes sense. I also found that dc1 slept better when dh wasn’t there disturbing him. (Made no difference with dc2, dc1 was just easily woken!)

Original poster

amelee · 16/10/2018 12:26

I should say that my bf has a daughter from a previous relationship that was formula fed and apparently slept through at two weeks so I think he sees the breast feeding as the reason why he’s not sleeping

OP posts:

Cyw2018 · 16/10/2018 12:27

Your DP needs to step up and realise that his son's needs now trump his own!

I told my DH before DD was born that he would probably be better sleeping in another room (although the sofa was the only option at that point), DH wanted to be supportive and stay in the bed with DD and me at the start, but put ear plugs in so that he could sleep... the ear plugs impacted wax in his ears, and made him almost completely deaf and gave him severe tinnitus, so on day 5 I was simultaneously breastfeeding whilst ringing around clinics to get an urgent ear syringe appointment for him. Since then he has slept elsewhere, sofa initially and spare room once we got it ready. DD is now 8 1/2 months old and still breastfed/ bedsharing/ cosleeping (when I can get her to stay in her co sleeper cot!!).

DD is currently unwell with a cold, and was, totally out of character, unconsolably crying at 1am this morning, and DH came in to check on both of us, so just because he is in another room doesn't mean he isn't involved or concerned, and they have the most incredible bond!

The Gentle sleep book is really good for readjusting expectations of baby sleep, it covers a bit of sleep science and the sociocultural/ historical aspects of our attitudes to baby sleep, might be worth getting your DP to read it rather than getting into arguments trying to educate him yourself.

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