I feel so guilty but don’t know if I can change

[NiKiTaCoLlEt]

Hey everyone,

I have a beautiful baby boy who’s 1, I’m suffering with PND, Post Natal anxiety and post natal OCD. My symptoms are manageable now but it’s been so rough. Iv has CBT and learning how to cope with my mental illnesses.

The thing that’s really getting me down is I know have massive mum guilt, I feel like I’ve spent the whole of he’s life battling my mental state and trying to get myself better that has he had the attention he needed!?

Few things I feel guilty about and still so now...

• he wakes up at 5am most mornings so CBeebies goes on and we have sofa cuddles until 7am

• I don’t actively play with him, as in he happily play independently but I don’t get on the play and play.

• there’s been time when he’s ‘due’ his nap but fights sleep and I feel like in force a nap on him because I’m so mentally and physically exhausted.

There’s loads more but the are the main ones. Please tell me I’m not an awful mum.
We do go to baby groups, walks, parks, shopping and swimming during the weeks, it’s the times we are at home that I struggle.
TV makes me feel SO guilty and the not playing with him.

Any input would be great ladies 🧡

Sounds like you’re doing OK. He’s doing nice things, his mother is kind and sensible enough to make sure he naps.

I didn’t have PND and never had anxiety related Illness. Our eldest had OU maths at 5am whilst we dozed. We forced naps until near school age (particularly at weekends when whole family had a siesta). Independent play is good.

Remind me what’s happening that you feel so bad about? Throw the unnecessary guilt away.

What else is there to do but put CBeebies on at 5am? We are awake now and CBeebies is definitely on .
Mine also likes to play independently.
You're doing great

Everyone I know does CBeebies for early waking and a cup of coffee for parents! Mine has stopped getting up early but I definitely did. Cuddle on sofa, CBeebies for him and a bit of mumsnetting for me.
I'm not very good at playing on the floor either and he's fine playing on his own usually (2.5) but easy to fix that if you like - build a few towers with blocks, push cars round, sit and read stories? Am quite grateful for his solo play abilities then I can get a couple of easy household tasks done. Having to play WITH a child constantly would be exhausting. Forcing a nap also totally normal. I'm struggling to get my DS1 to nap every day now as we have an almost 3 week old so can't devote the attention to napping I could before. If the nap goes completely I replace with a bit of quiet TV time eg half an hr watching the gruffalo.
You sound normal in your parenting practices to me OP so don't feel guilty.

Oh god, please do not feel guilty, how many mums do you think leap out of bed at 5am as mary poppins? The tv is always in in the morning in my house (kids 1 & 2) at LEAST until I've had a couple of coffees.

It's great that he plays independently! That might change so make the most of it while you can 

Sometimes you have to force them to nap for their own good! They all go through phases where they fight it.

Be kind to yourself, your son sounds happy and loved. It's so easy to think everyone is doing parenting "better" than you but believe me when I say no one is perfect and we're all muddling through.

Your doing great.
Whata better than early morning cuddles with you in front of tv.
Its good hes an independent at playing means you've already done a great job and hes a comfortable happy child.

Forcing to nap is for his own benefit. An over tired baby tends to struggle with sleep so if you didn't force the nap he would really struggle at night.

Please don’t feel guilty.
I had tv on for my dcs lots. I took them out loads and didn’t play with them.
Letting a child play independently is actually good for them.
As long as you’re taking care of him, cuddling him and interacting with him, you’re doing fine.

Oh my god I did all of those things iI. Allied it survival 😂 my kids are 10 and 7. Now my guilt is when they play on Xbox while I sit on Mumsnet 😁

If DD was up at 5 CBeebies would definitely be on! Independent play is brilliant, and I actively encourage it with DD.

Naps and sleep are so important for both of you - I will make sure DD naps whatever!!

You sound like a lovely mum.

The awful mums don't feel guilty - they don't care at all.

Like you say, he's only 1 - he won't remember any of this and even if you were terrible {you sound like a wonderful mum} it's such a small section of his life that it really won't affect anything. What you lack in one area you'll excel at in others... People who have been through depression and other mental struggles are often the warmest, most understanding non-judgemental open minded people you can meet 😊

If you are worried its a sign you are doing well!

The Wiggles are on our tele too many hours in a day for my DD (2) I never play on the floor with her or my DS (6), my DH does but I just can't enjoy it. I always insisted on naps when they were little as I mentally needed a break from them.

I do the playgroups and trips out, love them with everything I have, there's no shortage of cuddles and kisses and attention but there's no shame in admitting you like them to nap and watch tele while you have some down time.

Cbeebies from 5am and making them nap is totally normal. It's also normal not to enjoy the whole playing on the floor thing. But could you do something like set a timer for 10 mins and play with him for that long at a time?
Also not all interaction needs to be playing with toys. Talking to him, cuddling him are excellent.

you’re doing great

Oh bless you. I think most people put cbeebies on in morning. I am currently snuggled on sofa with my ds (17months) watching cbeebies. Every morning when he wakes at 6, we go straight to the sitting room and snuggle for an hour watching cbeebies before we have breakfast etc. It is my favourite part of the day. I'm now heavily pregnant with severe pgp so am stuggling to walk. Cbeebies is starting to creep in a bit more at the moment. My DS also plays lots on the floor independently- especially now I can't get down on floor with him. We do tend to do an activity together each afternoon. For example baking or painting so tv is off then and then puzzle time etc. Pinterest have some fab, easy activities you can set up. You are not a bad mother at all though.... you sound like normal one!

Oh god ladies you have idea how much this has made me feel better. I struggle really bad with mum guilt. Thank you so much for the kind words and reassurance!!

Currently watching hey duggee then out for the day. Mum life is hard but wouldn’t change it for the world.

I do some of your ideas about play. We do sing together and have a dance around, and peek a boo etc. Just need to get better and actually play time. Just a mind field for what is right and wrong. Thank you again ladies my anxiety and OCD really makes me suffer and obsess about being a ‘good’ mum xxx

@NiKiTaCoLlEt the fact that you are concerned if you're a good mum shows you are a good mum

I felt guilty too when they were babies and I wasn't constantly playing with them. I played with my oldest and he never developed skills to play by himself but my youngest plays on her own lovely - I think it's a good skill for them to have and she's happy playing where as the oldest just doesn't do it. Just talk to him as much as you can as that will help his language skills. Also give yourself a break and don't try to conquer the world , some days all we can manage is the basics! I used to walk my or drive them till they slept - I needed an hours peace 😅

Also there is no weight and wrong, if you have that mindset as soon as you come across a 'confident' (know it all) Mom you will feel wrong. He's still so little but you know what's right for him and that IS two hours of CBeebies at 5am 😂 . Just keep going and remember you do know what's best and no one else does. Some days you might be able to cope with more and other days just 'survive'. It gets easier I promise and as it does your confidence comes. Xxx

You sound like a great mum, please be kind to yourself and give yourself a break.
Anxiety is a nightmare (can't speak for OCD but can imagine it's tough!)

Having children is not always easy and not always fun, let alone having to experience and learn through your mental illness.
You have nothing to feel guilty about... I have 3 children and some days my youngest watches despicable me about 100 times a day and we barely interact where as other days we play / do activities all day.

I hope your OCD and anxiety becomes more bearable and you build your confidence in yourself and abilities as a mum - you are doing great.

Jeez woman, what are you feeling guilty about?? That's what we're ALL doing!!

You need some nice, grounded mum-friends and some cake.

Do you get out to playgroups? X

i think you're doing masses more than a lot of the parents who spend all day online/child watching TV

Yeah at least 2 a week and we go to zoo, playgrounds, play dates. It’s just morning and late afternoon I reply on TV to occupy him and feel I don’t interact enough. X

You sound like a great mum .

I struggled with mental health at the start and still feel guilty nine years on.

You cuddle your son every morning, you make sure he sleeps so he gets his rest and you get some down time. You sing and dance with him, he’s secure enough to play independently. You have nothing to worry about x

You do such a lovely lot with him it’s probably good for him to ease into the day and wind down with a bit of TV. I used to feel dreadful about the TV being on too, and I still try to limit it now but you just have to do whatever you need to do. Hugs to you.

Sounds like you are doing a great job.
I never played with my kids, but took them out a lot( to save my sanity). Actually I ended up going to a steiner mum and baby group where I learned that steiner was against playing with your kids, you should just facilitate their play. I was really chuffed when I heard that.
I probably had pnd, just not diagnosed. My kids are teens now and very loving , caring and happy, and i parented I’m a really similar way to you.
Guilt is a big part of being a mother, but it does lessen as they get older.

I found meditation ( try headspace app) really helped with my anxiety.
Best of luck op x