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Original poster

Starting again at 40, is it madness?

33 replies

Shybairns · 13/10/2018 09:36

Hi, I haven't been on Mumsnet for years but with my current dilemma I couldn't think of anywhere better to get some good honest advice.

So the long and short of it is...I am divorced with two children who are 9 and 11. I now have a new partner who I am engaged to. He is 42 and has no children off his own. He would dearly love to father his own child.
I am 38 now and embarking on a new career. My experiences of mothering babies and toddlers wasn't entirely joyful. I didn't cope with the sleep deprivation and I don't really remember the kids early years. The idea of starting again with a baby terrifies me.
On the other hand, I now have a very supportive partner, I would put in place things that allow me to sleep more (ie bottle feeding after 1 month of breast). I would also have my work so that I would have a break from the monotony of babyville.
But aside from that, what is it really like to start with a baby at 40? To still be at the school gates at 50? To have a 20 year old when you are 60? To have teenagers and a very young child?

Who suffers the most? Is it selfish to have a child at 40?

Any views welcome.

OP posts:
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LegoPiecesEverywhere · 13/10/2018 09:41

Of course it is not selfish to have a child at 40. Many women these days have children at that age.

AntiHop · 13/10/2018 09:44

I'm surprised you're asking this question. In fact it's quite offensive to parents of young children who in their late 30s and early 40s that you're even asking. It's just parenting. Nothing extraordinary about having a baby at 40.

AntiHop · 13/10/2018 09:46

I'm really quite upset that you're saying a child of a parent that age is 'suffering'.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
ScoobyGangMember · 13/10/2018 09:48

Dont do it then Confused

PersonaNonGarter · 13/10/2018 09:49

Easily Offended Posters - be gone! Grin

Op, I am interested in this dilemma because I’m in a similar situation. But from reading your post I don’t think you will regret it. And how exciting to go around again!

AntiHop · 13/10/2018 09:51

I'm not being easily offended. I'm rightfully offended as she's saying my child is suffering, with zero evidence.

ElspethFlashman · 13/10/2018 09:51

Well if you think someone is going to suffer, here's a thought - don't do it???

I had mine at 39 and 41. So far nobody seems to be that fucked up.

Moominfan · 13/10/2018 09:53

Op looks like your threads going to be hijacked by not pickers making it all about them. Your past experiences will shape your expectations but you'll also have learnt a lot. Sounds like you've got some good coping mechanisms thought out. It will be an exciting new adventure, wish you and your family all the best of luck

costacoffeecup · 13/10/2018 09:55

Lots and lots of women have children in late thirties because they do career first. I'm pregnant at 38. I don't see how my child is going to suffer. They'd have been more disadvantaged if I'd had them in my twenties as I wouldn't have the income, secure home or the luxury of being part time at work because I'd worked myself up to salary where that could happen.

Why do you think the child will suffer?

HoraceWimpIsThisYourLife · 13/10/2018 09:56

Do you actually want another child? Or are you doing it for your dp?
Have to be honest I’m not sure I could be arsed in your situation. I’d have to really want it

costacoffeecup · 13/10/2018 09:57

For what it's worth I wouldn't do it in your position though as you already have two children. I am doing it now because I want a second child.

Singlenotsingle · 13/10/2018 09:58

It's a massive enterprise that you're considering - the next 20 years of your life (and more!). I don't know that I'd want to, but hopefully your DP is fully committed and prepared to do his bit?

costacoffeecup · 13/10/2018 09:58

Oh and the answer to who will suffer the most is you, I think 😀

Original poster
Shybairns · 13/10/2018 09:59

When I said suffer, I included, my existing kids, myself and the potential child. And I don't mean suffer as in have a terrible I guess I mean compromises. First time round I could devout myself to motherhood. This time I would have children with very different needs and I will also be a lot older. I wasn't meaning that having a child at 40 is bad for the baby exactly. Just that I wondered how you feel at that age and juggling those balls.

OP posts:
LethalWhite · 13/10/2018 10:01

My parents were older, (Mum 40s, Dad 50s) and even though there are good things, tbh it is a bit shit.

I’ve worried about them dying as longn as I can remember, they were out of step with a lot of cultural things, and certainly didn’t have as much energy as my friends parents. It’s made me want to (and did!) have children younger. I have siblings to share the burden with, but I think it’s a lot to put on 1 child.

Also, it doesn’t really sound like you want a baby, rather that you don’t want your partner NOT to have one. If you were the man, and he was he woman I’d say go for it, but as you’ll have to carry it, breastfeed and take the career by, id day think carefully

costacoffeecup · 13/10/2018 10:09

It's probably different around the country but certainly in my area and workplace most of the parents having their first are at least in their early thirties. Is rare to find someone who has kids in their twenties to be honest. In my experience in London and the south east most people are likely to be still renting a room at that age and working up the ladder. So I think how the child will feel about their parents age does depend on the age of their friends' parents too.

Laac · 13/10/2018 10:09

It's not selfish to have a child at 40 any more than it is at any other age! However if I were in your position I wouldn't be starting again- you're only doing it because it's what your partner wants. It's a huge thing to do when you don't really want to! I would be honest about how you feel and if you're incompatible then you need to face up to that now.

YeOldeTrout · 13/10/2018 10:10

Don't plan a baby if you aren't 100% sure.

That said, my grandmothers had adult children & then new babies. They managed fine. I'd be in envy of your Ready babysitters (older teens).

I had my last when I was 40. There is a weird feeling when you're one of the oldest moms at the school gate, and the friendly person at gate, your age, that you get to chatting to is a Gran not a mother. Is your health robust? It may not happen not supposed to say that on MN. But you don't know if your fertility is able until you try. So want to be relaxed about the outcome, either way.

Original poster
Shybairns · 13/10/2018 10:16

I would like to have the opportunity to parent with someone who actually understands me and will support me way better than my ex did/could. I hope I would be able to enjoy it more.

OP posts:
borntobequiet · 13/10/2018 10:17

My mother had a child, my youngest brother, at 40...in 1956, fourteen months after my other brother. It wasn’t unusual then (no effective contraception) and she coped fine. She said it was her easiest birth “he just slid out”. So, in her early forties, she had three children under 5, me and my two brothers and a teenager, my older brother. (The gap was because of two miscarriages, a stillbirth, and a baby who died after a day.)
You will be fine.

PersonaNonGarter · 13/10/2018 10:22

What impact would this have on your older children?

What puts me off starting again is that babies are not at all compatible with the things my older DC want to do - outdoorsy holidays, going out for meals. It would be more costly and less fun to have littlies in tow.

AntiHop · 13/10/2018 10:33

When I had my baby at 37, compared to my 20s, I had:
-A well established, supportive relationship

  • stable housing
  • I had completed a professional qualification giving me stability of employment.

When my mum had my older sister in her early 20s, she had no finances of her own and few employment opportunities. This meant she was locked into a violent relationship with my father.

Who suffered more, me and my siblings in an abusive family, or my 4 year old with a 41 mother in a stable, happy family?

AntiHop · 13/10/2018 10:34

Just reading your most recent post op, I think you should for it. Don't let the experience with your ineffective previous partner put you off.

kenandbarbie · 13/10/2018 10:37

I was born when mum 43 and dad 44, ds was 15 and dB 17. All good, I didn't suffer!! Now pg myself at 42. It's normal and always has been, menopause isn't usually till a bit later!!!

FTMF30 · 13/10/2018 12:43

I think what OP meant by the child suffering are just, what some may view for some points, as minor things that need considering when having a child in your 40s such as-
*you potentially not being around for their later years

  • high risk pregnancy and increased likelihood of birth 'defects' *less energy than your younger self *more of a disconnect with child as they grow up as society is ever changing so there'll potentially be a lot more of those 'when I was your age sentiments' and just a lack of empathy/understanding where child is coming from.

I think it's sensible to consider these things tbh. That being said, if you look after your all health and prepare for the extra challenge, then why not go for it. As others have stated, there are also huge benefits to being an older mum such as stability and more confidence and wisdom that comes with age.