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Parenting

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Original poster

Starting again at 40, is it madness?

33 replies

Shybairns · 13/10/2018 09:36

Hi, I haven't been on Mumsnet for years but with my current dilemma I couldn't think of anywhere better to get some good honest advice.

So the long and short of it is...I am divorced with two children who are 9 and 11. I now have a new partner who I am engaged to. He is 42 and has no children off his own. He would dearly love to father his own child.
I am 38 now and embarking on a new career. My experiences of mothering babies and toddlers wasn't entirely joyful. I didn't cope with the sleep deprivation and I don't really remember the kids early years. The idea of starting again with a baby terrifies me.
On the other hand, I now have a very supportive partner, I would put in place things that allow me to sleep more (ie bottle feeding after 1 month of breast). I would also have my work so that I would have a break from the monotony of babyville.
But aside from that, what is it really like to start with a baby at 40? To still be at the school gates at 50? To have a 20 year old when you are 60? To have teenagers and a very young child?

Who suffers the most? Is it selfish to have a child at 40?

Any views welcome.

OP posts:

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Aprilislonggone · 13/10/2018 12:46

I have has dc over 4 decades!! Last dc was with my forever dh!! He had no dc, I was 43 when ds was born!! It was amazing to have such an amazing man to share it with at last! Go for it op!

Bingolingo · 13/10/2018 12:52

I had my 3rd at 37, my other two I had a decade before. It has been an absolute joy and I had the experience and wisdom to relax and enjoy every second. The older two adore the youngest although of course it takes more planning to ensure all children get attention, also money is very tight whilst nursery fees have to be paid and my social life is on a complete halt as all my evenings are taken up with homework/toddler wake ups/finishing my own work off/housework. I feel totally done with the baby years now though...I have no desire to do it ever again!

ferntwist · 13/10/2018 16:11

Go for it! First time mum in my early 40s here. Loads of friends also doing the same in their late 30s and early 40s. You’ll find you have loads more patience and experience and how fabulous to finally get to enjoy it all with a fantastic bloke.

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allthatmalarkey · 13/10/2018 17:16

First at 39, second at 42. Perimenopausal at 46 with a 7 yr old with autism and 4 yr old. Totally knackered. Plus don't assume you will just get pregnant. If you want it, I'd still go for it.

Fairylea · 13/10/2018 17:19

I had my first at 23 and my second at 32 and the thought of having another now (40) makes me want to cry but that’s just me. I feel so done with the whole baby thing and sleepless nights. I definitely feel older and less able to cope with it all. The fact you’re considering it means you’re more open to it than you think!

ZigZagZebras · 13/10/2018 17:37

I wouldn't personally want to, but then I had my children younger like you.
There's a difference between someone who's had 22 years as a grown up with free time and only themselves to worry about who then has a child at 40, and someone who's already done 10-15 years of family life then signing up to another 20 years. Can work for some but I just don't think I'd want to plus don't think I'd have the same energy/'fun' as with my children I had when I was younger, and as I'd have experienced both that comparison would be there rather than when someone has their first at that age and can just take it as that's how it is with children.

Rosesared · 13/10/2018 19:44

I'm 40. Have a 17yr old DS, 16yr old DSS, 14yr old DSS and a 20 week old DD.
My body is knackered after pregnancy and birth this time round. Knees aching, back aching, arms aching. Physically, late pregnancy for me was rubbish.
However...
Boys ADORE their little sis. She will forever have their protection and love.
Emotionally, I find motherhood such a pleasure. I'm way calmer, which means baby is calmer. I don't stress about small (baby related) stuff. I'm ebf and lovin it.
If you truly believe DP is "The One" I reckon go for it. It's created a whole new depth to our marriage of 9yrs.
Pregnancy was a "pleasant surprise" btw

Asteria36 · 13/10/2018 19:54

My mother remarried and had her second round of children at 40, 41 and 46. There was a 19 year age gap between her eldest (me) and my sister who surprised us all when she was 46. My mum worked out that she had been doing the school run for 34 years by the time my youngest sister was finished! If you are in good health and have support then why not?

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