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Parenting

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Original poster

Please help- DS has no friends to play with.

30 replies

TimeForMy10thCuppa · 09/10/2018 18:29

After another epic meltdown DS said the reason behind it was he has no friends. Everyone else seems to have formed new groups or have stuck in the same group after the class switch up apart from DS. He seems to have noone to play with at lunch. I must admit, I noticed this a while back but didn't think it bothered him as he never mentioned it. Apparently a few kids have said they don't want him to play because he plays to rough, we have discussed this together at home.
At home he is either Lego or paper and pencils or books or throwing himself at the sofa.
I'm just not sure how to deal with this no friends thing. It must be hard on him and would explain why the last few weeks he has been coming home in a terrible mood.

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Original poster

TimeForMy10thCuppa · 09/10/2018 18:32

Sorry had to post that because phone went nuts.

So I'm not sure who I should speak to or how to address this. Some of the kids have made up rules where he can only play with them on a Friday every other week and when that day comes he is excited then gets home really sad because the kids changed their minds. I'm feeling like a real crappy parent right now.
I don't even know how I can help him because I do t have any real friends myself so what words of wisdom am I going to pass on?
Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Should add he is 7, year 3.

OP posts:

AJPTaylor · 09/10/2018 18:40

Have you spoken to the school? Other kids behaviour is bullying.

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 09/10/2018 18:43

For a start, that's bullying. The other kids telling him he can play on X day etc... That's bullying. So speak to the school about teaching the other children about excluding.

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bodiddly · 09/10/2018 18:45

Are you doing anything proactive outside of school to help him with friendships. Consistent play dates can really help and it's one way of you making friends with the mums too.

Singlenotsingle · 09/10/2018 18:46

That's so sad, what horrible kids. Have you tried inviting any of them round for playdates?

Original poster

TimeForMy10thCuppa · 09/10/2018 18:47

Who would be these best person to speak to? His teacher ? I'm going to try to catch her tomorrow after school which is a paint because he will have to make it through the day. Maybe there is someone else I could try to speak to.

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AngelSlides · 09/10/2018 18:48

My son had this. We invited his peers back, 1:1 for tea. Most parents reciprocated.
Any local after school clubs he could attend too, where he might meet children at his school perhaps from other classes?

AngelSlides · 09/10/2018 18:49

Check on the website, send an email. To either his form tutor or pastoral worker

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 09/10/2018 18:49

Pop into the office and ask if you can arrange a meeting with his teacher or the head teacher... whoever is available. Explain the situation and the office staff will get you an appointment with the most appropriate one. Then take it from there.

AngelSlides · 09/10/2018 18:49

Ask him if his school have a buddy bench or friendship stop?

YeTalkShiteHen · 09/10/2018 18:50

Some of the kids have made up rules where he can only play with them on a Friday every other week and when that day comes he is excited then gets home really sad because the kids changed their minds.

That’s heartbreaking OP, you’re anything but a crappy parent. The parents of the children bullying your son on the other hand.....

I’d speak to his teacher about it, it’s not fair for him to be so isolated and it’s affecting his confidence and experience of school.

Original poster

TimeForMy10thCuppa · 09/10/2018 18:51

He used to have a group of friends but all the mums were very close and I just didn't fit in. We would occasionally get invited to things. I have one mum who I guess you could class as a friend but her boy is now in a different class and they used to bicker to much.
We do a martial art 2/3 days a week and swimming lessons once a week. Plus there is homework and grandma visits. I guess we just never found time to do play dates. Definitely not after school though may be able to arrange something one weekend.

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SputnikBear · 09/10/2018 18:52

Does your DS have SEN? Could this be a cause of him playing too rough or a reason why the other kids are rejecting him? Do you (or he) have any idea why they’re excluding him? The other kids shouldn’t be ostracising him but it might be helpful if you know why so it can be addressed.

PlateOfBiscuits · 09/10/2018 18:54

Call the office tomorrow morning and ask if you can have the teacher call you, or ask if you can have an appointment after school.

Also, could you do more invites over for his peers? Stick to 1:1 so he’s not left out.

PlateOfBiscuits · 09/10/2018 18:55

Is there anyone from swimming or martial arts that he could have over before or after the club?

Original poster

TimeForMy10thCuppa · 09/10/2018 19:17

He was referred to see some specialists because they suspected asd however they said he didn't have asd. He used to freak out if we changed anything but I have since learned that is just typical for my children. He really struggles with his emotions. He worries so much, he hates loosing and puts an insane amount of pressure on himself. Apparently when he cries the kids laugh. I discussed it with his teacher last week and she has given him permission to step outside without asking if he feels upset.

There is a new boy so have said we can invite him over after school or on a weekend is he wants. He seemed pleased with that.
I really struggle with people in my house. I know I'm going to have to suck it up for his sake.
I think one of the other things that doesn't help is that he is very confident. He is growing his hair out and gets called a girl. I have suggested we get it cut and I hate that I am trying to get him to conform to what everyone thinks is normal. He will happily go to school with a couple bobbles or a headband in and I guess that makes it worse. I don't want to say no because the kids will be mean and I want to support him but I feel like I can't win.

OP posts:

AngelSlides · 09/10/2018 19:21

I know op, play day let’s at mine are a paint my smile on affair! But, once you get to know the parents/children it becomes easier

AngelSlides · 09/10/2018 19:21

Play dates at mine

AngelSlides · 09/10/2018 19:22

Is he growing his hair out because he wants longer hair or because he hates getting it cut?

AngelSlides · 09/10/2018 19:23

Thing is, if kids are mean they’ll pick on anything. So if he wants it longer and he gets it cut, the mean kids will just pick up on something else.
Maybe a show and tell of his martial arts belts could help

Original poster

TimeForMy10thCuppa · 09/10/2018 19:26

Thing is, I work at his school so am familiar with the children. They don't seem to hate me. I just worry adults are judging me. We live in a very traditional area. I don't fall into the general norm of the area. DH isn't the same ethnicity as me we had kids before we got married etc. All that stuff that shouldn't matter but I'm sure in my head the parents judge me.

He is growing it out because he wants it long it's currently just about long enough to get most into a pony tail. He has always had longer than the average boy hair. I figure it's his hair so his choice.

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Original poster

TimeForMy10thCuppa · 09/10/2018 19:29

Just want to say thank you all for the replies. I really don't know who to talk to in real life. I was bullied all through primary up untill I was 17 by the same group and I worry I am being overly sensitive with these things. DH always had a great group of friends so has no idea why I feel the way I do.

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4point2fleet · 09/10/2018 19:40

What are the other boys in his class into? Do you make sure he has access to whatever is currently popular so he has some social 'currency'?

At his age you don't need to have the parents round for a playdate, just the child. They can play upstairs/ outside and you needn't see them other then when they turn up in the kitchen wanting a drink.

AngelSlides · 09/10/2018 20:00

Don’t make him get his hair cut if he likes it longer and you’re happy for him to have it that way. You’ll don’t want to send the wrong message of ‘change how you look so that people will like you’.
I’m sure people are not judging you for any of the reasons you have listed. I’m from a very rural area and nobody I know (or would want to know) would be remotely interested in your husbands ethnicity or whether you had children out of wedlock!
It’s hard, op, I know. He’s your baby and it’s heartbreaking to see them feeling inferior/disliked. My son is like a puppy with a wagging tail, a people pleaser who just wants to be liked! He’s 12 now and has a solid, but small group of decent mates

Original poster

TimeForMy10thCuppa · 09/10/2018 20:21

It was football, so I got DH to sit down with him and explain football, kick about at the park, and all that kind of stuff. He used to take a football into school but he doesn't really know how to play football iygwim. So ended up getting upset when noone would play. Then it was tennis balls at lunch so I bought him a pack but unfortunately the kids already have groups they play in and are reluctant to let him play. According to DS they have told him he has his own ball so go play with someone else.
I'm not really sure what they are into, there is some occasional chatter of Xbox and PlayStation's. We had an Xbox but it wasnt getting used so we sold it. DS would play for 5 minutes or so then get bored. Would never ask to play unless one of his friends was round. Which was rare. He would get annoyed because he didn't know how to play but he didn't seem interested in learning and his friends were bored by our very small collection of age appropriate games. I'm talking 5/6 year olds asking DH if they could play his GTA games because they could at home. We said no, of course.
There is chatter of fortnight- again I think it's not really age appropriate.
Both children are rather spoiled by grandparents and have alot of toys. If he shows interest in something like he did football and Pokémon I am happy to go with that.

As if my day wasn't bad enough he has just write me a note saying he thinks DD is my favourite and I don't ever check to see if he is ok. I am actually doing a really bad job of being a parent.

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