My sons father has been arrested for online grooming.

[sunnymorning]

My sons father and I went our separate ways when ds was a baby. He moved out of the area but has always maintained regular contact. Recently he bought a house in the area as ds not wanting to do 200 mile round trip every other w/e to see his dad. So he comes down to this area for w/e visits. They normally have a close relationship, although more like buddies than father /son. 2 months ago pedophile hunters attended his house with allegations of online grooming, this was filmed and live screened to socal media. The video has made its way round the community and been watched by some of the parents of kids that go to my sons school and live in the same estate, they are naturally cross. The address was stated on the video. Luckily as he is from out of area and anti social no one other than those I've confinded in have linked my son to him. I have bent over backwards to keep my sons privacy maintained. At no point do I or the police believe that my son is or ever was at risk from his dad. Im not really looking for judgement on what he had done, im furious and my son who is 13 is deeply upset. To the point he has until now refused contact. Currently contact is only with another adult present. My initial reaction was well that's it mate don't think you'll be seeing your son again!! However, the more rational part of me knows that it's not healthy to do that and ds needs in someway to maintain contact. My question is, seeing as it has been all over socal media, whilst I am happy that ds is safe with him I am no longer happy that this contract happens at his father's house. The fear of reprisals terrifies me as equally does the concept that it would make ds so easily identifiable as 'the pedophiles' son. Im not happy that this shadow be over his life through out his school years. Unfortunately his father and grandparents do not feel this to be an issue and want to encourage the contract when he is ready back at the house. In totally lost in what to think, I've tried to be rationale through out this whole horrible experience and act in a way that will only be supportive of my ds, but this is beyond what I can accept. Ds is fully aware of what is going on and knows he has a say in everything. Has anyone else experienced this, his would you feel about restarting the contact back at the house.

Supervised contact or none.

I thought you said DS doesn't want any contact and is 13 years old?

If so, that's it. Drop it. There is no contact. Your DS is a very sensible boy.

Supervised contact at a neutral location, or none. Your son shouldn't ever be put in a position where he might have to deal with the public repercussions of his father's actions. It seems like the father and grandfather want to minimise this. What a surprise. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I would consider whether you want your son to be around these kind of people full stop. At his age, he can choose no contact.

Not worth the risk. It's about your child's safety above everything. Supervised or nothing.

I wouldn't be comfortable with my DC going to the home of a known paedophile, as people could be watching the house and that could lead to your DS's identification - the very thing you fear most. I would say that if you and, in particular, your DS feel comfortable with contact it should happen elsewhere - GPs house, a restaurant or other location out of town, etc. As for whether your DS is in danger - well you know best about this and presumably your ex grooming underage girls? If so, I don't really see why his DS would be in danger - other than from paedophile hunters or vigilantes.

Your son is 13 and doesn’t want to see his dad. Why would when he knows what he’s done?

Of course your ex and his apologist parents want your son to keep seeing him/them but that’s not a good enough reason.

You need to protect your ds from his df and from bullying. No contact imo.

No he doesn't need to maintain contact. That's not rational. Your son has decided himself so follow his wishes

Your ex is paedophile.
There is very very very very very very very good chance he will halve abused your son. Take him to Dr now .

I can’t think of a single reason to maintain contact with a paedophile and would be actively ensuring he was no part of your child’s life now or in the future, your DS sounds very sensible - I would encourage and support his current attitude.

If your son doesn't want contact then I think you should respect that. At 13 he is old enough to have an input.

Your son is saying he doesn’t want contact? I’d go with that.

I’d also never, ever let that man be alone in a room with my child again. Ever. Nor with his parents to supervise since they clearly have no concept of the severity of their son’s actions.

Is your ex being charged?

OK. Thank you. You have answered my question. Every part of me is saying the contact (which would be supervised) should not happen at the house if it happens, I think I just needed some reassurance that the fight to enforce it is the right thing to do. This is a horrible time for my ds I just need to protect him in all of this.

On bail at present pending investigation.

Echo above. Forcing your son to have contact against his wishes is more damaging imo. He is old enough to know what he wants. The best thing you can do is support his wishes. And tell his sodding grandparents to piss off too. Nobody gets to make this decision except him. IF he decides he wants contact to happen it should happen in a safe place. I'm struggling to see how you are happy your son is safe in his care tbh

It is absolutely the right thing to do OP, your immediate gut instinct to protect your child is bang on.

No matter what he or his family try and tell you, trust your own instinct. They are a danger to your child. You are not.

Sorry cross posted with your update.

Have SS not got involved regarding this anyway???

Yes ss involved and he has been interviewed by police. I'm not happy about contract and have 100% supported him with that. However, I do think that to suddenly and very abruptly stop the contract must be like a bereavement almost for him (my ds). In some ways as damaging for him as acknowledging what his father has done. I am also immensely proud of how he has so far handled it.

No child should have to make a decision alone like that and I think he needs to have his options explained and if he decides to see his father I have in someway to work out how best it be done and equally support him in that.

I would think finding out your df is a paedophile is a relationship breaker that doesn't need weaning off from.

Your son might benefit from some counselling. SS might be able to help him access it, although I know there can be long waiting lists. No contact gives your son time to process things, he's the important one here, not his father.

Your right that it may feel like a bereavement for him - maybe you can try and access counselling for your son through ss or school rather than forcing contact.

Supporting him through it doesn't mean forcing him to have contact - however minimal or indirect - against his will. God only knows what is going through his head, he needs allies now not people expecting him to continue as normal...which sounds like what his dad & grandparents expect.

Counselling would probably be a good idea as above. He may struggle to articulate fully to you how he is feeling because of your connection to everything.

I'm so sorry for you both to be dealing with this

Yes the sudden stopping of contact must be hard for DS. This is not a good reason to encourage him to be in contact.

Absolutely shocking of your ex not to consider the impact of contact on your DS and to push for it.

Mind you, access to DS means access to his young friends eventually, so that would be hard for a paedophile to sacrifice.

It is a thing for paedophiles to abuse their children's friends. The other children naturally trust them as "not a stranger". One of my primary school classmate's fathers took advantage of this to abuse his daughter's friend. He went to prison eventually. Didn't Milly Dowler get into her friend's step father's car (Levi Bellfield) when she wouldn't have got into a "stranger's" car. Not saying your ex is a murderer obviously but the access to friends can be a big deal to a paedophile. Especially one who has gone to the trouble of acquiring a second home 200 miles away from his main residence that he already used as his grooming base.

I've name changed as I just wanted to send you best wishes. I worked very closely with someone who was arrested in similar circumstances and I was lucky and able to walk away from him, but his poor (now ex) wife was stuck, albeit recently separated, and their son (aged about 8 from memory, it is a few years ago now) had no clue what was going on. It is an horrific thing to go through. I very much hope that someone will be along to offer you access to a proper support network, or perhaps ask the police for their recommendations. Stay strong, stick to your guns (in my view, there should be no contact at all until the police decide to charge, and take it from there). There is no harm from taking a few weeks to reach a decision on contact, together with your son. Ignore anyone else especially those who seek to minimise what his father has been found doing, even if there is no further police action. These "hunting" groups are incredibly devious and determined and they are very hesitant to let anyone "get away with it" and it's likely there will be more social media activity around it if your son's father is released, there certainly was in the case I was involved in. Unfortunately the police are often one step behind and can only demand that material is taken down after it has been posted, rather than prevent more going up. I've seen transcripts, been sent recordings of phone calls, all sorts. You are incredibly wise to protect your son from all of this as much as you can and sadly if that means no contact with his father, then that is what it may need. Also please try and seek support for yourself, you've been put in an horrific situation.