My sons father has been arrested for online grooming.

[sunnymorning]

My sons father and I went our separate ways when ds was a baby. He moved out of the area but has always maintained regular contact. Recently he bought a house in the area as ds not wanting to do 200 mile round trip every other w/e to see his dad. So he comes down to this area for w/e visits. They normally have a close relationship, although more like buddies than father /son. 2 months ago pedophile hunters attended his house with allegations of online grooming, this was filmed and live screened to socal media. The video has made its way round the community and been watched by some of the parents of kids that go to my sons school and live in the same estate, they are naturally cross. The address was stated on the video. Luckily as he is from out of area and anti social no one other than those I've confinded in have linked my son to him. I have bent over backwards to keep my sons privacy maintained. At no point do I or the police believe that my son is or ever was at risk from his dad. Im not really looking for judgement on what he had done, im furious and my son who is 13 is deeply upset. To the point he has until now refused contact. Currently contact is only with another adult present. My initial reaction was well that's it mate don't think you'll be seeing your son again!! However, the more rational part of me knows that it's not healthy to do that and ds needs in someway to maintain contact. My question is, seeing as it has been all over socal media, whilst I am happy that ds is safe with him I am no longer happy that this contract happens at his father's house. The fear of reprisals terrifies me as equally does the concept that it would make ds so easily identifiable as 'the pedophiles' son. Im not happy that this shadow be over his life through out his school years. Unfortunately his father and grandparents do not feel this to be an issue and want to encourage the contract when he is ready back at the house. In totally lost in what to think, I've tried to be rationale through out this whole horrible experience and act in a way that will only be supportive of my ds, but this is beyond what I can accept. Ds is fully aware of what is going on and knows he has a say in everything. Has anyone else experienced this, his would you feel about restarting the contact back at the house.

It is an awful situation to be in, I suspect id have been very black and white on my views regarding it prior to it happening to us. However when faced with it black and white isn't always so straightforward. I won't and never will force ds to see his dad. Equally socal services encourage continued contact, obviously within the bail conditions and I think because of this I am questioning my own aversion to it happening. I think counselling for ds yes might be a really sensible way firward. I will have a chat with the school nurse.

Sounds like your gut instinct is spot on OP, don't question it

Ohokfine.... Thank you. It is a shocking, terrifying place to be. Appreciate the support xx

Your initial instinct was sound.

You don't have to centre your decisions on what your ex wants.

Can you imagine what he'd be telling DS about what girls are like, what girls really want, how to get fourteen year olds to give him what he wants, how those girls are either sluts or are mature for their age and this fuss is all just political correctness gone mad? I would want my DS kept away from that shit.

It is definitely not safe for your son to continue to see his father under these circumstances. The risks are too big in every direction. Luckily for you your son does not want to see him, so this makes it much easier for you. Accept his decision, arrange counselling and tell his father and the gp firmly and to the point.

Your son will need support, and at some point you do need to be absolutely sure (as far as you can be) that your son has not been abused. Please talk to him, because if he has then you need much more than a weekly counselling session.

I am sorry you are going through this, what a terrible situation.

There seems to be a culture to maintain contact under any circumstances . I am a great believer in trust your instincts.

I think counselling for your Ds would be far more beneficial than contact.

I would keep your distance from anyone minimiseing what he has done. However I hope you also have some rl support

Do not force your kid to see him. You need to start curating a safe space so kid can open up to you about the potential abuse he has suffered. What makes you think he hasn’t been abused? So sorry this is happening :(

Your lad doesnt want to see him.
See if you can access support for him. Decide to do nothing about access until the outcome of the legal side of things.
I think your sons instincts sound right and actually very mature.

Totally different set of circumstances but my DS dad disappeared when son was 12. He resurfaced a month or two later. I obviously spoke to son and gave him my full support (and continue to let him know- now 4 years later - that if he wanted to make contact with his dad that would be fine with me) in making his own desision as to continue with his relationship. He chose not to. My point being that he is old enough to choose - and you should leave the door open but respect his desision.

Thank you for all of you taking the time to respond. This is an uncomfortable And emotive topic and I value all your replies. Think I just needed the reassurance that, no matter how small and overwhelmed I feel over the next few months, it is not wrong to fight my sons corner 100% in respect of what he wants and my instincts. What ever I feel about his father it must be a million times worse for ds! Thank you again xxx

FWIW sunny I’m glad your son has you on his side. He’s going to need you, more than ever, and you seem to be a really switched on Mum with his best interests at heart. No child can ask for any more .

If I were you, I would let your son know that supervised contact at a contact centre is an available option (if it is). That way, he's making an informed decision.

I would also make it very clear to him that choosing not to see his dad is just as acceptable, and that you will support him in his decision.

You are completely right to support your ds in his decisions. Children's social care are likely to complete a risk assessment at some point to consider contact between ex and ds. Social care can do much less to restrict contact than is usually thought, particularly in non contact offenses. So would usually agree to supervised contact. This doesn't mean the offender is safe, is non contact offending only or is sex specific in his offending but they cannot be assumed not to be any of the above without additional evidence.
As a pp said at the least ex p has shown distorted boundaries towards young girls and sex that you are not going to want your ds to pick up.
I hope you have support in real life and someone has suggested The Lucy Faithful foundation as a good organization for advice , support and links.

At 13 he is old enough to make a decision. At the moment he doesn't want to see his father.
Get some councilling - head of the year might be able to fast track something within the school.
And just let him know that should he change his mind in future he can see dad. That whatever he decides to do you will support him.

Hi. I regularly post on here but use this name for this specific topic. My STBXH was arrested for online grooming at the end of last year. It was a sting from a paedophile hunting group and our lives were utterly shot out from under us. It’s still under investigation and the kids aren’t allowed to see their dad. Social services have said they will consider me unable/unwilling to protect them if I allow it. So I don’t. It is absolutely like a bereavement. Their dad went out to work one day and never came home. I’m thinking of asking about counselling for my 7 year old as he seems so sad and angry even though I try to talk his worries over with him. It’s hard to explain and I wonder if he feels that something is being kept from him. I both long for and dread the day a charging decision is made. I’ve managed to keep it low key for now but if there is a local or social media shitstorm it will be hell. But at the same time we need a conclusion and permanent arrangements to be made. Apparently ss will review it once they know what is going to happen on the legal side. You have my utmost sympathy and my inbox is open.

On a tangent but this is why these hunting groups are very very bad. They post all over social media before the person has been to court or even charged. They have no thought towards the family of the offender. I don't understand why they can't hand over to the police (who would then speak to all relevant family...like they do with their own police stings) and only put it on social media after a charge. There is so much safe guarding that needs to be done along side these stings. These vigilante paedo hunters are just glory hunters. They don't give a toss about getting real justice through the court. So long as they can tell their mates they're a hero for snaring a paedophile. If this wasn't the case, why do they not wait until the person has at least been charged?
And yes I do know what I'm talking about, I work in the field of trying to pick up the pieces and pull together a prosecution after they've made most of the evidence unusable in court.

Supervised contact in a public place, if your DS wants it. Vigilante groups are not always right, the police are still investigating, obviously if charged and convicted you need to think longer term