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Original poster

ex partner not keeping me up to date with what happens to our children

44 replies

SDB66 · 25/09/2018 08:43

my ex partner has our three children living with her. Despite many years of requesting regular and timely communication around sports days, illnesses, issues at school, successes at school - all the normal things that a parent would be interested in - she is still unable to keep me up to date. I find out things from speaking to the children, or she tells me late or doesn't tell me at all. I appreciate no one remembers everything but she has admitted not doing this as well as she could and apologised in the past but we always end up with me feeling even more excluded than a separated parent normally would be anyway. Is there anything I can do to get her to improve the communication in an official capacity?

OP posts:
FanSpamTastic · 25/09/2018 08:50

Are you not able to be added to school communications? Then you can find out school stuff the same way?

Original poster
SDB66 · 25/09/2018 08:54

That will cover some of the points for sure. I guess it's more of the fact that, for example, I didn't know my son missed sports day due to illness until I rang him and he told me. And she got news about our son's set promotions at school to top set and didn't tell me straight away.

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Hellywelly10 · 25/09/2018 08:56

All you can do is try to model clear communication with your ex and hope she recipreates. Do you live locally, do you ever do school pick ups etc. How often do you see your kids?

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MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 25/09/2018 08:57

I didn't know my son missed sports day due to illness until I rang him and he told me. - tbh this is not something I would consider important enough to pass on. Kids get sick every now and then.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 25/09/2018 08:59

And she got news about our son's set promotions at school to top set and didn't tell me straight away. - I'm not my ex's secretary. If he wants information from the school it's up to him to get himself on the communications list. I expect your ex feels the same way.

WatchOutForTheCar · 25/09/2018 08:59

Milk are you really saying you wouldn't want to know if your child had been ill?
Op I don't have any advice but if I were you, I would want to know too!

Original poster
SDB66 · 25/09/2018 09:05

Forgive me for being naive, but how do the schools provide this communication? I'm not expecting my ex to be my secretary, just maintain me suitably informed of what happens in the lives of our children. And this isn't just school related, clearly. I don't live locally so contact is fortnightly weekends. And as she has already apologised for not communicating I don't think I'm being unreasonable in questioning her return to non-communication!

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Original poster
SDB66 · 25/09/2018 09:05

Thank you!

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Original poster
SDB66 · 25/09/2018 09:08

fortnightly at weekends as I don't live locally due to work. I have tried over many years (we split in 2009) and I am still struggling to get up to date details of all the important matters in their lives. In fact it's not just the important matters, I would like to be more involved/aware of what is going on, but this is controlled to a certain extent by my ex partner.

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MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 25/09/2018 09:10

Milk are you really saying you wouldn't want to know if your child had been ill? - a day off school? Not really, that's something I'd expect DS to pass on himself when he sees his dad. If it was serious enough to require a trip to the doctors and medication then yes, I'd pass that on in a brief text.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 25/09/2018 09:12

Forgive me for being naive, but how do the schools provide this communication? - contact the school, ask to have such things emailed to you. (Is changing sets really such a biggy that you want to be informed immediately?)

ForgivenessIsDivine · 25/09/2018 09:13

How old are your children? How long have you been separated? How long has it been since you moved away? Do you phone or facetime to speak to your children between fortnightly weekends? How much do you get involved in their daily lives? Do you help organise and pay for their activities, school supplies, doctor's appointments etc? If you are intimately involved in their lives then you can expect to be informed but if your contact is limited to fortnightly weekends away from their normal routine, then this is less easy. If you expect to be involved then you need to take some of the daily tasks on board.

WeeMadArthur · 25/09/2018 09:14

Phone the school and ask to be on their emai list for news, they probably also have a Facebook page and Twitter account you can follow for news.

Cookiewisp · 25/09/2018 09:21

I don't think the mother is obliged to update you of anything unless it's an accident or serious illness that requires medical attention. In all honesty, if you want to know everything about the kids then you'll need to be there. Maybe try for more contact as it's the only way. Are there reasons you want to know more info or do you feel like they're unsafe at all? My DDs father doesn't even know what she looks like now and has never asked after her so I admire you for wanting to be so involved

SnuggyBuggy · 25/09/2018 09:24

Maybe it's so you and your kids have something to talk about. Kids enjoy sharing their news with their loved ones.

DunesOfSand · 25/09/2018 09:48

If you split in 2009, your kids are at least 9. Can you get historical info from the kids (like set changes, commendations at school etc).
You can ask for details of the systems school use to keep in contact (we use something called Seesaw, have previously used Dojo. Don't know if they are available in the uk).
Also, see if school will add you to the email list, or web access (or even, does the school put newsletters on the website?)
I think you need to work out ways of getting the info, rather than relying on your ex. It's harsh, but honestly, filtering all the stuff that comes back from school is bad enough. Deciding what is important enough to be passed onto someone else is just another thankless task....

Original poster
SDB66 · 25/09/2018 09:57

Milk - for me, clearly it is, yes. I really want to be involved in my children's success and want to be able to do that as close to the event as possible. And as I have said, school matters are not the only area that this relates to.

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Original poster
SDB66 · 25/09/2018 09:58

Cookie - if only I could be there. It wasn't my choice not to be.

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Original poster
SDB66 · 25/09/2018 09:59

Dunes - thanks for the comments. It isn't just school unfortunately, but I appreciate your input.

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Rainbowqueeen · 25/09/2018 10:01

I agree with PPs. It's not her job to give you that information any more.

You need to work out a plan to get this information for yourself.

In your shoes I would:

  1. Contact school and ask to get an additional copy of all communications that they usually send to both parents if divorced.
  2. Get on their Facebook page if they have one
  3. Make time to go into the school and drop off or collect your DC one day
  4. Do up a calendar with all important events, regular activities on it.
  5. Ask yourself, what kind of info do you feed back to your ex after your children have spent time with you. Is it at the level that you are expecting from her? If not, that's your answer. You can't expect her to do something you aren't willing to do yourself.
  6. Remind yourself that she is doing all the day to day looking after of your DC. Does she have a job as well? She is probably very busy and exhausted doing it all herself and contacting you is just not a priority.
LucyMorningStar · 25/09/2018 10:01

It sounds like your children are of secondary school age, or at least one of them is. Do you speak to them every day? If not you really should and then you'll be up to date at all times. Problem solved.

Talith · 25/09/2018 10:06

Pick up the phone and talk to your kids. If they don't do voice calls (like most teenagers) then WhatsApp or text. My ex goes days without talking to our kids and it's baffling to me how anyone can switch off like that. They'll have more to tell you than their mum anyway!

ClothOnASloth · 25/09/2018 10:06

Your children must be 9+ by now. They're old enough to tell you about the non-school stuff themselves. For school-related news, follow the advice of previous posters and look at the school websites, twitter account, and get your contact details added to the school lists.

It's not your ex's responsibility to make up for the fact that you work and live elsewhere.

HeddaGarbled · 25/09/2018 10:13

I think you are going to have to explore other ways of keeping in touch with the children’s low-level news. A chat app like Viber can be good for short regular communication. The children can then tell you their news themselves.

I do think you need to have a bit more understanding of your ex’s circumstances. She is caring for 3 children pretty much single-handed. She has a lot of life admin to handle and keeping you updated on low-level news is just one more job. She has apologised because she probably spends her entire life running round trying to keep all the balls in the air and feeling like she’s failing as a parent every time she drops one.

You can help her by thinking of ways to take this job off her rather than criticising her when she can’t manage it to your expectations.

Cluelesssss · 25/09/2018 10:15

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