ex partner not keeping me up to date with what happens to our children

[SDB66]

my ex partner has our three children living with her. Despite many years of requesting regular and timely communication around sports days, illnesses, issues at school, successes at school - all the normal things that a parent would be interested in - she is still unable to keep me up to date. I find out things from speaking to the children, or she tells me late or doesn't tell me at all. I appreciate no one remembers everything but she has admitted not doing this as well as she could and apologised in the past but we always end up with me feeling even more excluded than a separated parent normally would be anyway. Is there anything I can do to get her to improve the communication in an official capacity?

Before you start trying to influence someone elses behaviour, you need to think about whether you've done everything you can that's in YOUR power to do. If you haven't even asked the school yet whether you can be added to the communication list for your children then the answer is clearly "no".

But you did find out about the illness and the set promotion, just not as quickly as you would like. I don't think it's feasible or fair to expect your ex to give you a running commentary of things as they happen. What's wrong with finding out the news when you see or chat with your kids?

So it seems to be safe to assume that you don't have a close coparenting relationship. How often do you have contact by phone during the week? You separated in 2009. You want more involvement. I'm sorry to be blunt- but you moved away (you needed to, fair enough) you don't have a friendly relationship with ex- so why would she call you regularly? How old are the children? It seems that you need more regular phone contact to be able to chat about their day and what's going on.

Just because your ex said 'I'm sorry I did not inform you' does not mean that she believes that she should, that she thinks it's her fault, or that she was doing anything other than responding to the comment.

How old are the kids?

I know you see them fortnightly but how often do you utalk on the phone, text if they have a phone, face time them?

Are there changes you could make to your life to be more involved? You mentioned you moved away for work, could you get a job closer to your children? If you see them more you'll know more; job done.
It's not your ex's job to brief you on every part of your kids lives. It's your job to do everything within your power to be as involved as you can (or want to) be.

I was originally going to side with you but then you only see them a weekend every fortnight?
My DH has his son Fri - Mon every week and him and his ex have a very good co-parenting relationship. She would tell him of this stuff and vice versa. If he was off school on a Monday sick my DH would absolutely inform his mother.
Re school communication she also tells him any of this if relevant and they make parenting decisions together- but mostly he speaks to his son via his ipad (they facetime most weekdays)

I don't think you are seeing the kids enough (personal opinion) to be on at your ex to demand all this information immediately. I assume she is busy too looking after the kid on her own.

Get yourself on the email lists, FB page etc. You need to be more proactive about things. Look on the school website, that is where she will get things from. You will get loads more information than you want or need but then at least you ex won't need to decide what you will or will not be interested in.

Definitely get on the school email/text list so all communications come to you (our school uses an app to all notifications come in real time to my phone), make a calendar of important days and things you need to be at (I do this from the school calendar on the website and from the termly newsletter), make sure you attend all parents evenings, parent-teacher sessions, sports day, important assemblies, etc. If your kids are old enough, talk to them about things too. I’m sure you can also request a duplicate of anything that gets sent home, though most probably comes electronically now.

Why don't you ring your children and ask? Honestly, stop expecting your ex to act as your secretary. She's already raising your children 12 days out of 14.

Organise for your dc to have a phone. Ring them everyday or every other day and speak to them.
It’s nit your ex role to keep you informed about all the little details.
But yes u can learn all that drommthe dcs, as she does, by speaking to them.
It will also allow you to get a relationship and show you care.

I think you need to physically get yourself closer a bit more often. You're expecting an awful lot and doing very little travelling.

Presumably you're in daily contact with the children themselves so would have heard about sports day on the day? If not, why not? I suspect you're wanting information from their mother to keep you in the loop, rather than maintaining direct contact with the children yourself. Which takes work.

Btw if sport day was so important, why weren’t you there?

Hi op. I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from and feel for you. I’m also prepared to bet my last cent that your ex would expect to be informed about stuff that happens when they’re with you

I don’t know what to suggest really. My dc are older now but we’ve always kept in touch about the kids eg dc does well in a test at school, or dc off poorly, whatever. It doesn’t take long and my exH has always done the same for me.

Definitely get on the school system and maybe get the kids on a WhatsApp chat if they are old enough to have phones. I find out lots on our group chat.

Good luck.

It is not your ex’s job to facilitate your relationship with your children. If you want to be more involved, get more involved directly

Don't you speak to your children regularly?

I think this is the difficulty of separating - it’s not the big things that a non-resident parent misses, it’s the little things. The model they are taking in to show their teacher, the lost hat that turns up unexpectedly, the funny dream, the successful day at school, the stuff of everyday life...

Nobody, least of all a young child, wants to tell news that is days old. It has lost its immediacy and becomes meaningless.

I think your heart is in the right place, but you can’t expect your ex to recreate the intimacy of family life if you are only having contact with the children once a fortnight.

I don't think there is anything you can do to get your xp to change her behaviour. You have tried asking her to change, and maybe she meant to do it, but the reality is she can't or won't change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Communication with the children themselves is the way forward. I don't understand why you think it was a bad thing that your son told you he missed his sports day. Did he tell you how he felt about it?

If you want to be more involved/aware of what is going on in their lives, chat to them about what they are doing. It will be better than hearing info second-hand from their mother. Besides getting facts, you will be building relationships with them.