Feel like a complete failure.

[Babyshark2018]

I have an 11 week old baby. I love her so much and sometimes she is so smiley and happy. But other days she will literally cry all day.

However, she has problems with colic and often won’t be put down.

I’ve signed up to a couple of baby groups. Twice this week I have left early because she is screaming inconsolably. While the other Mums are there with their lovely peaceful babies.

What are they doing that I’m not? I’ve burst into tears in the car on the way home several times because I feel like I have completely failed at being a Mum. I don’t want to stop going to these groups (one of them is swimming) as I don’t want to be stuck in the house but I just feel awful being the one stood up/ fussing over the baby. I have some lovely Mum friends but I feel like they don’t understand.

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

You are NOT the only one don't worry!! Their babies have probably been going to these groups for longer and so are a little more used to it and relaxed.

I took my 7mo to a mum and baby fitness class last week and he was utterly beside himself the ENTIRE time unless I was holding him. Then absolutely fine for the rest of the day once we got home. Typical.

It's a fairly new class for us so I'm hoping a few more weeks he'll get into the swing of being there. A lot of the mums told me when they first started going to this class they had to spend the whole time holding their crying babies too!

You're not the only one. DD1 is 9 now, but this was her as a baby. Used to meet up with the NCT lot, and their babies would sleep peacefully through lunch, gurgle contentedly through baby massage, squeal in delight at swimming. DD1 was just pissed off all the time. Hardly ever napped, and when she did it was for 20 mins at a time, cried and needed to be held at all times, screamed through baby massage, screamed through swimming lessons, and I thought she hated me. Luckily, once she got to about 6/7 months she cheered right up and became the delightful little soul that she is now. I sympathise, but it's not your fault. DD1 had colic and silent reflux and was just so uncomfortable and couldn't settle. Try infacol if you haven't already, we got ranitidine in the end for DD1 (and 2 actually) but I've heard baby gaviscon works wonders. Good luck xx

Thank you.

All the NCT babies seem perfect so I don’t think it’s an age thing :(

We have tried infacol, gripe water, gaviscon sachets, a cranial osteopath, baby massage etc. I think she is just unhappy and I can’t figure out why.

My eldest was like this. He had silent reflux as well and was generally just a grumpy baby for the first few months. I ended up with PND because I was so anxious about going out with him if he screamed (he didn't cry!).

Please don't stop going out and doing things with your DC just because of this. Every baby is different and just because the ones at classes are happy then, doesn't mean they're not up wailing until all hours of the night!

Generally DS wad happier when he was out. I used to put him in the car seat instead of the carry cot when we went out cos he hated being laid flat. Have you tried a dummy? This was honestly a life saver for me with DS! I would also put white noise for him on my phone and that stopped him crying when we went for walks! Holding him upright all the time also helped.

It's not easy, I know having been through it but you are not doing anything wrong! It will get better.

Ask your gp about ranitidine. It worked like magic on my girls. Both had silent reflux which is so painful for them x

Thank you.

I’m worried about getting PND, I don’t think I do at the moment but I have been feeling pretty low this week and crying a lot.

I’m lucky that she sleeps well so far at night, a good 9 hours but is just so fussy all the time and barely naps in the day so I can’t get anything done.

We have tried a dummy but she just won’t take it and doesn’t seem to know what to do with it.

Thank you makeawhish- silly question but how would I know if it’s silent reflux? She does go very stiff and has that awful cry but doesn’t projectile vomit or anything.

Does she throw up after feeds? If it’s clear liquid mixed with milk (but kind of curdled) that an indicator of reflux.

DS1 and DD had reflux that was sorted by baby gaviscon but DS2 needed ranitidine.

Has she been checked for cows milk protein allergy? If she won’t settle at all it might be work checking out (DS2 had it and it wasn’t obvious)

Also, you’re not a failure, sorry I meant to put that in my post too. Having a new baby that won’t settle is soul destroyingly difficult, because you’re exhausted too and just want to make it better.

Thanks yetalk. She doesn’t throw up as much as she used to but does sometimes get that curdled type milk. Been to the GP several times and they say she’s fine and just kind of fob me off.

GP said because I’m breastfeeding it’s unlikely to be dairy? I don’t eat that much of it really, a tiny bit of milk in my tea and the odd bit of cheese on pasta. Is it worth cutting it out? I’ve switched to decaf now in the hope that may help.

Yes!! This was me and my DS. At 12 weeks we went to a baby massage class and he threw up all over my and the mat several times and cried for most of it whilst the other babies cooed and smiled. I remember feeling so embarrassed and unhappy that I didn't want to go back. I did keep going, just to prove a point to myself and other mums and by the third week two of the babies had screamed through the whole thing.
Whilst other mums can give the air of perfection because their baby has been quiet for that hour behind closed doors it's usually a different story. In fact one of my closet mum friends I met at a wedding after moaning about squeezing into a dress and my sicky baby...she later thanked me for being real and not judgey, she thought I'd be another mum with a perfect baby who would just think she was rubbish.
Anyway my point is it does get easier, DS is 6 months and is still a bit moany at times but generally enjoys baby groups and even baby massage. It's new to us all, mum and babies, hang in there OP 😘😘

Colic/Reflux is an awful time. It is exhausting and your nerves suffer. Please don't be so down on yourself. You are doing well getting out. Ignore the other 'perfect' Mums or making comparisons. EVERYBODY is struggling with something. Some babies are easier than others. There will be lots of Mums under the same circumstances who couldn't and didn't make it out. Give yourself a break and don't overload yourself by committing to too many groups. Get loads of fresh air for your both. The colic will pass and in a few weeks, it will be a foggy memory for you. Best wishes.

@Babyshark2018 Silent reflux is hard to diagnose as there's no vomit. I had a friend who's son suffered from it and she recognised the signs in Dd2, so I went to the GP and didn't leave til he gave me a prescription for ranitidine.

If she's barely napping during the day I suspect she's overtired. My daughter would never nap anywhere but on me, after bouncing. Still won't, six months on! But if I don't get her naps in she's inconsolable, so it's worth the sacrifice. I'd say stay home for a few days, figure out when she needs to nap (usually a 2 hour wake window, approx) and how you can get her to sleep. Once you've got that cracked things will improve.

It could be worth cutting out dairy, if only to rule it out for your own peace of mind.

I was fobbed off too by doctors. Every damn time.

It took my GP googling CMPA when I went in and listed the symptoms for her to take me seriously because ironically, my XH has it and I recognised the symptoms (he’s not DS2s Dad, he’s DS1s Dad but I knew the symptoms).

I FF but from speaking to other Mums who BF they were advised to cut out all dairy to avoid passing it on, so I can only imagine ignorance of the allergy is why your GP said that.

It’s not well known or well documented unfortunately.

You're not doing anything wrong. I had one like this and it gets better, that's all I can say really. Slowly and by degrees. Keep doing your best, that's all that you can do, and get out and about as much as you can to keep your head together till the crying phase passes.

You’re not doing anything wrong.
If you’ve got a feeling something isn’t quite right, keep going back to the GP. It may be worth cutting out diary in the meantime just to see, I know a few mums who have done this and it’s made a difference even if they didn’t eat much in the first place.

In the meantime maybe try and do things that she’s ok with, so suggest walks with friends round the park with her in the pram/sling if she likes that.

Do you go to any breastfeeding groups? They can be a bit more relaxed and you won’t have to feel like you’ve got to leave if she’s crying.

Some babies are just harder, it won’t be anything you’re doing.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, every baby is different. My 16 month old was hell in a handbag for his first 3 months with colic and reflux. He vomited on himself every single morning when I put him in the car seat when i was going to work until he was 9 months old lol. My 5 week old however is a complete difference and sleeps happily and is a very calm baby. It's nothing you are doing wrong at all!

I found a bed time routine helped massively for night time. A warm bath with bed time bubble bath and a massage using bed time lotion every night. To this day he will fall asleep so easily on the occasion I use bed time lotion. It doesn't help for when you are out sadly but it helped me get some sleep which at least kept my mind clear xx

Can't add much that others haven't already, but just wanted to say it will pass and it gets easier! Mine was awful with colic, I would have to carry him everywhere, even round the supermarket or he screamed. If he wasn't asleep he was screaming. I found it so draining. I would just be crying with him because I couldn't understand what was wrong. He's now 5 months and such a contented little thing, people don't believe me when I say what he was like! Hang on in there!

Also download wonder weeks, it explains a lot! Sometimes it's developmental as well

Thanks everyone. I have just got the wonderweeks book Captain and have downloaded the ap. A lot of what it says makes sense

Oh my goodness you poor thing. I have a 10 month old and was just thinking the other day about how he would scream some days when I was out. I was thinking specifically about how once I couldn't soothe him in an outdoor class and it got so embarrassing/upsetting that I left the class. All the other mums were so serene. I went home, sat him hallway and cried my eyes out.

It feels like a lifetime ago because things are soooo different now ... it's a phase that will pass. I promise

It is really hard, I think you are amazing to be getting out so much. Have you tried a baby carrier? Boba or similar? Sometimes they are calmer when they don’t have to worry about moving their limbs and it is easier on you than having to hold them all the time. Is it possible the baby is just very hungry? In retrospect I think this was part of the issue for me and I wish I had tried ways of increasing my milk supply at an earlier stage.

2/3 of my babies have been the type of babies to never be content doing ANYTHING. We were the ones who left groups early, I couldn’t even take them to Asda without a massive drama.

I promise you it gets better and my eldest was the most wonderful and easy child I’ve ever met. My baby has yet to grow out of this stage but I know it will go.
Try a sling

Thank you.

Managed a few hours out today which was nice. We have a sling, an Ergo but she likes to face outwards now and is too small for that in the ergo 360 I think. I have a fabric wrap so going to see on YouTube if I can tie it so she faces outwards!

I think a lot of what happens sounds like silent reflux. I’m going to ask the doctor for ranitidine if I can get in tomorrow. I really hope it will help.