Maternity leave: when do you do your cleaning?

[Ebonyscrooge]

On maternity leave with dc2,dc1 at school. She is 4 months old and very clingy.
We have had a cleaner for the last 12 months and DH says I should be doing the cleaning myself now that I'm "off work." I genuinely have no idea how I'm going to get this done with a clingy baby between the hours of 9.30 and 2.30.

Does anyone else manage this? And how?

You’re doing brilliantly and your husband is a shit. I’m sorry.

If your baby takes a bottle and you’re happy leaving her then I’d suggest leaving baby and Dad together for a whole day. He might get it then.

Or maybe couples counselling.

My DD is 7 1/2 months. Until recently I did the cleaning during nap time. Now I set her up with some toys and cartoons for half an hour whilst I blitz clean.

Look up the organised mum method (there is a thread on mn at the moment about it),I do my own variation on that which I worked out myself before hearing about tomm, but it's fairly similar.

So level 1 jobs (day to day, laundry, dishes, floors) I do 10-15 minutes 3 times a day, with DD in sling if necessary, then level 2 jobs, 30 mins once a day on a different area of the house each day.

Once you get on top of it, it isn't too hard to fit it in.

If DD has a particularly bad week (poor napping, or I'm knackered from bad night times) and I haven't managed to get everything done I expect DH to pick up the slack at the weekend (and he knows it!!).

Just seen your update about not liking slings. Which sling are you using. I started with a wrap sling (Moby wrap), but at 4 weeks DD decided she didn't like having her head inside it, so that was useless then, as her head lolled about and I couldn't get anything done!
Since then I have used an ergo baby (with newborn insert to start) more upright position, better head support, and DD tolerates the sleeping hood fine. It's a bit of a faff to put on (wrap sling was great as it could be left on and baby just lifted in and out all day), but comfier and far more supportive, so easier to get things done.

And the last 2 weekends hes been out of the house for 14 hour stretches persuing his hobby.
You have an enormous dh problem. Dont let yourself care when he says you are abusive, reply wanting an actual partner instead of an entitled adult baby who thinks they can create a baby then decide their wife is an unpaid cleaner is not abusive, it’s human.
Talk to friends, to family (do not keep it secret that these guys are assholes, that is one of the things they depend on) , to the mirror until you 100% believe the above, and keep telling him to do things. Personally I doubt it will work and you should tell him to fuck off until he’s on board.

I have a nearly 4m old and a 3m old. Dh does the bathrooms on the weekends, and hopefully a cleaner starts next week.

I only managed to get the basics done when I had a baby to look after (all three of mine have been the sort that don’t like to be put down and only nap on me when they’re tiny).

Actual cleaning either didn’t happen or had to happen when dp was there (either to clean or to look after the baby so I could).

After dc3 I really gave myself a hard time about it and got really frustrated with not getting stuff done. I’m hoping I’ll be easier on myself when dc4 arrives.

I also found slings difficult for housework. I’m short so even a small baby covers a lot of my torso and I found it really hard to bend (to load washing machine or dishwasher or to tidy stuff from floor) and really hard to reach around baby to do other stuff such as prepare food. I loved my slings but not for housework!

You are doing loads already!! Keep the cleaner. Perhaps he needs to have a day or two in your shoes.
The first time left DP alone with our baby daughter , he was extremely grateful and living when I got back. Showed him that it's not all fun and games being off!

Troika... Thankyou! We are on the same page re slings. I have 3- a caboo, ring sling and baby bjorn. I can't bend in any of them and if I try,baby wakes and starts screaming.
She is v high maintenance though due to silent reflux so v difficult to put down.

The irony is that DH suggested the cleaner as we were both working and cleaning at the weekends. He got fed up of "wasting" away his weekend cleaning after I put my foot down and said I wasnt doing it all. He seems to have forgotten everything. Ive already explained to him that as soon as DC2 naps for stretches lasting longer than 1 hour, we can lose the cleaner... BUT he will need to do the dusting due to my allergy. Cue the nagging 😣

Can you get someone else to have a word with your DP (a sympathetic SIL or aunt maybe), who won't take any crap, and who your DP can't call 'abusive'.

I doubt anyone would speak to him. The females on his side of the family would probably side with him

I understood that you weren't just sat on your arse whilst the baby napped and letting the cleaner pick up the slack don't worry!

I think people don't realise how difficult it is to get stuff done when you have a baby that doesn't like to be put down. Yes you can get the quick/basic jobs done and keep on top of stuff day to day to an extent but finding the time to do the more labour/time intensive jobs like cleaning the oven, vacuuming the stairs etc is hard

I bet most of the people here saying 'you just need to be more organised' have a partner who doesn't fuck off for 14 hours at the weekend and can either do some of the housework themselves or entertain the children for 30 mins whilst you do it.

That's without taking into consideration that when you are feeling completely downtrodden and down (and you do sound down op) your hardly in the mood to be springing about in a chirpy fashion doing all the housework for a thankless twatty man.

FWIW I don't have a cleaner but if I had the option to have one I would take it.

This thread has prompted me to arrange to have the oven professionally cleaned though because it's not been done properly in nearly 2 years [grim]

Um, is he normally an unsupportive arse?

Is he out every weekend?

Trying to call you abusive for wanting some help is worrying.

@pastabest oo not to derail but my oven hadn't been done for two years and I just had it cleaned. It's so shiny and pretty

You are trying your best and that all the matters. It doesn't matter if anybody achieves more or less than you on maternity leave as they will have different children with different temperaments, different DPs/DHs, different houses etc so it really isn't comparable. Your DH sounds awful and I honestly wouldn't even give his opinion any credence until he steps up a bit more. If he's been swanning about all weekend then he has no right at all to even comment on what housework has or hasn't been done.

Just a side note but how do all you sling devotees get around using products when cleaning and exposing your babies to all those chemicals? I would be really unhappy to do this so it doesn't seem like much of a solution to me.

Thanks Bumpity. I always think there are many variables in different lives and situations.

The chemicals had crossed my mind with the sling too and preparing hot food whilst wearing one is also v dangerous. I always find myself a bit baffled by the expectations and apparent benefits of using a sling.

Yeah, I agree with you on the sling - and I love my sling and have a two month old (so smaller and easier to work around). The sling lets me do lots of things I couldn't otherwise do, but I can't do serious housework as I won't use sprays wearing it and I can't bend enough to hoover. Everything I can do in it - basic tidying, sticking a load of laundry on and out to dry, washing up - you already do! And it so massively depends on your baby - mine will let me sit in the sling while he sleeps so I can read, which is great (though no help for the housework!), but lots won't.

As I said, I love my sling (mostly because my baby does) but I do think they're overhyped. People act like you can go about your business like you don't have a baby if you have a sling - in my experience, you can get a lot done for a person who has a baby who won't be put down, but that's still not that much!

I don’t get slings either. I find my hand reach limited (another short person I guess) so I can hang out washing etc but it’s slow and annoying. I certainly don’t cook or use chemicals with it.

Ebonyscrooge, I don't use strong chemicals like bleach anyway, often use wipes instead for light cleaning, so there aren't any whiffy chemicals floating round.

These days, I tend to cook whilst back slung, so my body is between the baby and the cooking, and arms and legs couldn't reach. Sometimes in a ring sling, but always turned slightly away, and paying attention to arms, angles of pans, handles etc.

It depends as well what you're doing. Prep work, baking a cake, kneading bread etc is easy and fine, hovering over a spluttering chip pan clearly is dangerous! Most cooking is somewhere in between I guess.

Using very long tongs, a ring sling (tight with arms inside), and a lot of care, I've even managed to bbq whilst using a sling, baby was over 1m away at all times because of angles etc (and I'm short).

Its certainly possible to cook using a sling, and tbh, it's a lot safer than a babe in arms, and frankly sometimes there's not a lot of choice if people want food unless it's just leaving them scream (which makes my child throw up!)

I, for sure, had a high needs baby. Fed ALL the time. Didn’t want to be put down EVER. Didn’t nap for more than 10-15mins unless on me. Very shouty.

I did all my housework with baby in a sling. It’s not ideal. It is a bit awkward. But it’s doable. I also did the same with DC2 who was less high needs but it was the quickest and easiest way to get things done. I even cooked dinner with her on my back the other day and she’s 2.5.

I’m not saying your DH shouldn’t be more understanding but if you want and feel like you can manage some housework then this is the way to do it. It actually made me feel a bit better when I felt like I’d achieved something other than keeping myself and my baby alive.

I have kept my cleaner. I think if you can afford it then why the heck not? It allows me to get on with other things and preserves my sanity!

My dp huffed and puffed a lot when I was on mat leave. He'd make a huge drama about coming home and hoovering/dusting/scrubbing the kitchen floor.
I used to manage the washing, dishwasher, dinner and beds and then ran out of time and inclination for anything else. I found it hard to step into a homemaker role for 2 lots of maternity leave and what annoyed me was that he thought he'd be able to do less as I was "off". Anyway. I just let him bubble away at his resentment and it all sorted itself out when I went back to work. If I was in your position I'd do the quick wins, so the stuff that actually makes a difference to how the place looks and leave everything else for a cleaner

The list of stuff you do in the house is pretty amazing... very few people get shy deeper cleaning done when they have young children as you give up all your time playing with them, which is really important. Your baby/toddler will still need lots of your time as they grow, so just put your foot down and get a cleaner back. Reduce the hours as a compromise if necessary to your finances, buf get the cleaner back!!

Those who do their own cleaning with a baby- do you manage it during school hours in the week or do you do it at weekends when your partner is on hand to help out?