I hate myself

[VeryAshamedMum1]

DS1 (6yo) is Perfect Peter. DS2 (4yo) is Horrid Henry. His behaviour is just appalling, no matter what we do and to cap it off I have chronic migraines and an autoimmune disorder, both of which make most of my days feel like I’m pushing shit uphill.

I’ve been awake since 1:30 this morning with yet another migraine. I managed work on painkillers and caffeine until lunch time when I had to give in and go home to lie in a dark room clutching my face, then had to get the DSs from school at 3:30 - there was no one else for me to call to do it for me.

DS2 oscillated between whinging and screaming from the second we got home. He whinged the entire time I was on a phone call (I had finally got a call about something I have been chasing for weeks so couldn’t put it off). He asked for yoghurt for a snack then screamed when I gave him yoghurt and it wasn’t cheese. He wanted to play a game, which I set up, then he threw the whole thing across the room and screamed and said he’d punch me in the face. He and DS1 agreed to have an early bath so that I could just hand them to DH when he got home and go to bed. We got upstairs and he screamed and screamed and kicked the walls, refusing to take his clothes off. Fed up, I pinned him down and stripped him off as the bath was ready and the screaming and kicking was like a drill through my head. He screamed more so I shut him in his room so I could at least read a story to extremely patient and self-occupying DS1 in some peace while he had his bath. DS2 eventually settled down, came in and got in the bath. He agreed to let me cut his filthy long fingernails, then resumed screaming when I did it. And screamed. And screamed. DH got home. I tried to tell him over the screaming that I couldn’t cope with this anymore and he would have to take over so I could go back to bed. DH was looking at his fucking phone and ignoring me so I had to repeat myself while DS2 screamed louder.

I turned on DS2 and screamed back, ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I KILL YOU!’ DS1 also saw/heard me say this.

DH finally got the message and sent me out of the room.

Please tell me I haven’t done my children any permanent damage. I hate myself. I can hear them laughing downstairs but I said the most awful thing. 😔

Yeah wasn't the best thing to say but we all have a limit and you found yours, call it a learning experience. Since its only a one off chances are the worst thing that can happen is he copies you, don't worry too much, we l make mistakes.

Bloody hell OP, you’ll probably get a load of people telling you the opposite but I defy anyone not to snap in the circumstances you describe.

You’re human, we’re all human. You know what you said was wrong, and it doesn’t take away the years of love and care you’ve given him.

Your DH needs to step up more too. Especially when you’ve got a migraine.

for you

Wow that sounds hard. I don't think I have anything helpful to add other than I know how you feel. I am feeling almost completely broken in my life at the moment and had a similar breakdown moment last night and feel terrible about it. I apologised to DS this morning.

Do you think your son has additional needs? Or do you think he is struggling with starting school?. 4 is very young to start school. It's a long day. My DS had total meltdowns when he started school.

You have my utter sympathy, a screaming child on its own is hard work, let alone with a migraine. Everyone has a breaking point, what matters now is what you do next. I would start with a serious conversation with your dh, about stepping up when you are so unwell. Hope things get better.

Harsh but understandable. You've clearly reached the end of your together. Talk to DH and tell him you need him to be involved and talk to DSs about it. Tell them you didn't mean it and you love them both but then explain to DS2 that the screaming needs to stop.
If he agrees to something the screams just ignore him. When he calms down, let him get on with whatever it is.

tether not together

Sounds little a horrible situation. There is something wrong with that child.

I don't think he has additional needs, although DH has mentioned it. I used to work with SN children and he just doesn't seem 'bad' enough. He was extra tough today, or perhaps seemed that way because of how I was feeling - he's usually a watered-down version of what he was today.

I'm not convinced he's struggling with school. He went from full-time nursery into school so the hours are no longer than he's used to. He also attended the school's onsite holiday club, again full time, in the four weeks before he started school so he's very familiar with the staff and surroundings. He'd had five minutes taken off play time for bad behaviour by day three of Reception and has done it again this week. I've told the teacher his behaviour is challenging at home as well but she says she's not at all concerned. She taught DS1 as well so she knows I'm not a shit mum. Usually. Laughs weakly.

Have you spoken to your husband since it happened?

And thank you for the sympathy I had my tinfoil hat ready.

Sorry, pressed post by accident. Do you think he might now get that you clearly need more support? It sounds like things really need dealing with now before they get any worse.

No, he's been looking after them since I exploded and is currently putting them to bed. I'll probably be asleep by the time he comes to bed.

You are absolutely not a shit mum. At all.

You’re an exhausted, in extreme pain, end of your tether Mum who had one bad moment after you'd asked your DH for help and he’d ignored you (which he really needs to understand was a shitty thing to do).

Your 4 year old sounds like my 4 year old. I also have PTSD and the other day something triggered a flash back, topped off with DS screaming constantly about everything I lost my temper and screamed "just shut the fuck up for the love of fucking god, SHUT UP" ....

I also like you, felt absolutely mortified the moment it had all left my mouth. He just stood there and looked at me and ran upstairs to cry. I have never in my life felt so guilty, DH then came home to both of us sat on the landing crying. He sent me to bed one way and settle DS to bed the other way.

I genuinely know how your feeling right now, but I'm here to tell you it's ok, we all reach the end of our sanity now and again. You feel remorseful which means you care. Don't worry take time tonight to get well. Tomorrow is another day 💐

I think you have 3 things (at least) going on here: what your DS1 needs right now; what you need right now; what you all need for the future.

I am a strong believer in using times when I lose my shit as a lesson in how to deal with mistakes - an apology for the behaviour (no justifications/excuses) and maybe a brief example of how your DS can telly you how it felt (like " it can make me feel scared when someone shouts at me suddenly, it made me wonder how it felt for you when I shouted"), ask if you can give him a cuddle (it's fine if he says no. "You can let me know when you'd like a cuddle and I'll be right here" and then MOVE ON. Thats the hardest bit. Try not to get sucked in to a spiral of shame and self-hate. (Google Brene Brown on shame).

You need rest and support for these trigger points - a conversation with DH on what you can do together. And that includes doing away with labels. No one is always perfect and no one is always horrid. It feels like that but it's not true (althogh I know exactly what you mean! I have found though it becomes all very self-fullfilling though and as soon as you decide to stop seeing them like that, they have the space to be a more rounded version of themselves).

Take care of yourself tonight though - you are doing what you can in difficult circumstances. And that is enough for now

Good luck

Lease don’t underestimate the change from full time nursery to school, DS really struggled and was very tired.

That said, DS2 sounds incredibly challenging an£ perhaps it’s time he learnt that there are limits to what is going to be tolerated.

I sometimes have bad days with mine, I too have sworn at them, and tendered my mummy resignation! Tomorrow is a new day,

I've been under a pain management psychologist for the migraines as two years under a neurologist has done nothing to stop them. My task this week is to talk with DH about division of responsibility. In DH's defence, I am a master of cover-up so I genuinely don't think he's aware of my daily fight. As tonight has shown, what I am doing is not sustainable.

I am a strong believer in using times when I lose my shit as a lesson in how to deal with mistakes - an apology for the behaviour (no justifications/excuses) and maybe a brief example of how your DS can telly you how it felt (like " it can make me feel scared when someone shouts at me suddenly, it made me wonder how it felt for you when I shouted"), ask if you can give him a cuddle (it's fine if he says no. "You can let me know when you'd like a cuddle and I'll be right here" and then MOVE ON. Thats the hardest bit. Try not to get sucked in to a spiral of shame and self-hate.

This!

Thanks, Political. You're spot-on with that advice.

My task this week is to talk with DH about division of responsibility

It sounds like you also both need to agree a plan for how to deal with your son’s behaviour. If you’re both on the same page, it’ll be much easier.

Oh 4yos are little fuckers. Boys get a testosterone surge around now. Plus school is exhausting in a different way to nursery. That and sending you are off kilter with a migraine is just a perfect storm.

Get some rest, be kind to yourself. Give him a cuddle before bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

*sensing.

Can I just comment about the migraine. My husband worked with a man who had awful migraines but being self employed had to work. Eventually the hospital gave him an oxygen cannister, quite small, and it worked when nothing else had. Apparently it is quite a common treatment in parts of Europe.

Oxygen is commonly prescribed for cluster headaches (not what I have) in the UK Jay, but thanks for the suggestion.

What I've been through for migraine treatment could fill another thread.

You are very welcome. I have a "horrid" one too and it's taken me years to find any kind of way to cope. Things that have helped me are "how to talk so kids will listen" (works with DH, freinds and colleagues too - it's basically coaching techniques) and Brene Brown on shame ( VERY American and a bit pseudo-sciency but some nuggets of brilliance). I manage to model a decent response to mistakes maybe 60% of the time now (but still don't make fewer mistakes!)