I hate myself

[VeryAshamedMum1]

DS1 (6yo) is Perfect Peter. DS2 (4yo) is Horrid Henry. His behaviour is just appalling, no matter what we do and to cap it off I have chronic migraines and an autoimmune disorder, both of which make most of my days feel like I’m pushing shit uphill.

I’ve been awake since 1:30 this morning with yet another migraine. I managed work on painkillers and caffeine until lunch time when I had to give in and go home to lie in a dark room clutching my face, then had to get the DSs from school at 3:30 - there was no one else for me to call to do it for me.

DS2 oscillated between whinging and screaming from the second we got home. He whinged the entire time I was on a phone call (I had finally got a call about something I have been chasing for weeks so couldn’t put it off). He asked for yoghurt for a snack then screamed when I gave him yoghurt and it wasn’t cheese. He wanted to play a game, which I set up, then he threw the whole thing across the room and screamed and said he’d punch me in the face. He and DS1 agreed to have an early bath so that I could just hand them to DH when he got home and go to bed. We got upstairs and he screamed and screamed and kicked the walls, refusing to take his clothes off. Fed up, I pinned him down and stripped him off as the bath was ready and the screaming and kicking was like a drill through my head. He screamed more so I shut him in his room so I could at least read a story to extremely patient and self-occupying DS1 in some peace while he had his bath. DS2 eventually settled down, came in and got in the bath. He agreed to let me cut his filthy long fingernails, then resumed screaming when I did it. And screamed. And screamed. DH got home. I tried to tell him over the screaming that I couldn’t cope with this anymore and he would have to take over so I could go back to bed. DH was looking at his fucking phone and ignoring me so I had to repeat myself while DS2 screamed louder.

I turned on DS2 and screamed back, ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I KILL YOU!’ DS1 also saw/heard me say this.

DH finally got the message and sent me out of the room.

Please tell me I haven’t done my children any permanent damage. I hate myself. I can hear them laughing downstairs but I said the most awful thing. 😔

I've given cuddles and apologies to both. DS1 is entirely unscathed and catching up on Spider-Man stories. DS2 said happily that he's been good to everybody and got daddy to swap his omelette for spaghetti hoops.

I don't think I've set him on a fast-track to juvie just yet.

for you...really hope you feel better.

Have you tried getting one of those daith piercings I hear they are very good for migraines a friend swears by hers.

There's no real evidence behind daith piercing, sadly, and I'm not nearly stylish enough to carry it off as a fashion choice in the event it's ineffective. I know a couple of people who have had it done for migraines and it did nothing for them. I had two courses of cranial Botox which made me so much worse I ended up in hospital on a drip for the continuous vomiting it induced with every migraine so I'm very wary now of any treatment involving sharp objects in the vicinity of my head.

you're doing brilliantly

Your child sounds like a fucking nightmare (this is no reflection on you btw)

I don't blame you for cracking. Not the best thing to have said, but totally understandable given the circumstances.

We have all been there. The important thing is to say sorry to the children and explain you should have had more patience but your not feeling well and are tired . The tell ds what was wrong with his behaviour and tell him to say sorry too. Tell DS1 he is amazing . No damage , lessons learned all round xxx

Have you tired acupuncture helped with me x

Also he sounds like a standard 4 year old to me 😂😂