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Do the cons of having kids outweigh the pros?

78 replies

LucyTosca · 19/09/2018 11:58

As mums, can you think of any more pros to having kids?

The cons seem to well outweigh the pros in my list below.

Advantages of not having kids:

  1. Free time
  2. Spontaneity
  3. Time to myself
  4. Time to do my art
  5. Time to read
  6. Time to listen to a play or a podcast
  7. Getting enough sleep
  8. Coming to work everyday
  9. Not having to have a boring routine
10. Money to spend as I please 11. Saving money 12. Holidays with Paul or friends 13. Can stay out as late as I want 14. Not having to find babysitters 15. Far less stressed 16. Peace and quiet 17. Having a healthy relationship making time and giving love to each other 18. Sit in coffee shops updating my blog 19. Having a varied and regular blog 20. Going to gigs 21. Having time for pets 22. Time to practice yoga 23. Going on big walks 24. Going out for dinner regularly 25. Being in the moment without being distracted all the time 26. Not passing down depression or anxiety 27. Not worrying about your children 28. Not having backchat or ungratefulness towards you 29. No dramas 30. No fear of mentally damaging your children

Disadvantages of not having kids:

  1. Being amazed at having created your own human being
  2. Being a family unit
  3. Having someone to care for you in later life
  4. Watching your child grow
  5. To love and be loved unconditionally
  6. Going to sleep knowing that you have lived your day to the full, even if that full is tedious!
  7. Being present and entertained
OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
OuchLegoHurts · 19/09/2018 16:47

I prefer holidays since having children

missmouse101 · 19/09/2018 17:01

I actually think children are overrated.

DorasBob · 19/09/2018 17:09

This has made me smile.

Your first list is full of obscure minor things that are essentially the same thing: free time and money.

But they aren’t impossible if you have kids, I listen to a lot of podcasts, buy things for myself all the time etc and I have kids.

You second list is more general. If you were to have truly comparable lists, you’d have to list all the wonderful things about kids, e.g Christmas being magical again, feeling overwhelmed with love when watching them sleep, feelig proud when they learn a new word etc etc etc

Ultimatley, have kids or don’t. But don’t try to convince yourself having kids is shit and awful - it’s a mixed bag, just like not having them, and ultimatley I’d you want them you’d put up with anything to have them

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

DorasBob · 19/09/2018 17:11

Also, the not having free time/spontaneity thing is true for a few years, but not once you have adult children. But then you have adult children to spend time with/love/take you to the opticians Grin

Lazypuppy · 19/09/2018 17:14

@lucytosca

Advantages of not having kids:

1. Free time - i still have free time, i go to the gym and my partner looks after baby.
2. Spontaneity- in what respect? Ee maybsuddenly decide to go out for dinner, thrn go with 20mins
3. Time to myself - same as number 1
4. Time to do my art - same as numbrr 1, i don't do art, i watch boxsets and sewing. Having an 8monthbold baby hasn't stopped me
5. Time to read - same as number 1 & 5
6. Time to listen to a play or a podcast - same as number 1
7. Getting enough sleep - my baby has always slept well. I've had uninterupted sleep since she was 3 months old and started sleeping 12hours
8. Coming to work everyday - is this a negative because you don't wat to work? I can't wait to go back to work after maternity leave.
9. Not having to have a boring routine - isn' normal day to day life a boring routine anyway?
10. Money to spend as I please - i still spend my money how i want, not sure why this would change?
11. Saving money - i still save around £400 a month and me and my partner are going on 2 holidays this year
12. Holidays with DP or friends - same as above, been on 1 caravning holifay, and off abroad twice in baby's first year.
13. Can stay out as late as I want - yep easily done, just either get a babysitter, partner stays in, ot baby comes out to dinner etc with us and goes to sleep in the pushchair.
14. Not having to find babysitters - its not hard
15. Far less stressed - never been stressed since baby was born, to me its not stressful
16. Peace and quiet -babies aren't that loud.
17. Having a healthy relationship making time and giving love to each other - me and my partner go on a date night at least once a month, and we also put baby to bed at 7pm, so we have evening together. We've also been to a number of events and concerts without baby.
18. Sit in coffee shops updating my blog - you know babies sleep/nap
19. Having a varied and regular blog - i don't really 'get' the whole blog thing
20. Going to gigs - my partnet has been to 6 in 8 months, we webt to 1 together and have another coming up.
21. Having time for pets - we have a dog, why wouldn't we have time?
22. Time to practice yoga - you know you can put baby on playmat etc and do what you want next to them?
23. Going on big walks - ummm, just take a pushchair or put baby in a sling
24. Going out for dinner regularly - wego out wth baby at least once a week for dinner, why wouldn't you.
25. Being in the moment without being distracted all the time 'ehat is distracting you?
26. Not passing down depression or anxiety - why would this be passed down?
27. Not worrying about your children - of course you're gonna worry
28. Not having backchat or ungratefulness towards you - its called raising normal children, don't let them talk back to you
29. No dramas - all lives have drama. I have no extra drama cause of a baby.
30. No fear of mentally damaging your children - i don't have this fear

0hCrepe · 19/09/2018 17:15

It’s subjective. I don’t think you want kids yet!
For me I always did and fortunately I have 3 who mean everything to me. The lists are just you saying you don’t think you want them.

chuckiecheese · 19/09/2018 17:16

No need to do a pro & con list. In short life is different with kids. If I had not had kids I would be living a different life that is it.
Wink

Kemer2018 · 19/09/2018 17:18

In your advantages, you've forgotten to mention keeping your boobs as they are, not getting a hernia, not suffering missing teeth, as well as any damage incurred to your under carriage.
Plus knowing that your partner has not seen a head coming out of your fanjo and you have to worry if he'll ever want to have sex with you again.
The loss of you only to become and be referred to, as "Mum".
You become vulnerable, if someone hurts your kid, you're gutted.

Magicroundabout321 · 19/09/2018 17:22

26 is an interesting point, and I do think people decide against having children to avoid passing on medical conditions.

the thing is, we all have something wrong, don't we.

Nobody is perfect, although I do understand wanting to avoid certain truly catastrophic things like something my cousin's wife has (they went via a surrogate).

Having and updating a blog is not a valid reason in my books. I wouldn't have one anyway, personally.

DorasBob · 19/09/2018 17:25

Kemer2018 - your body definitley takes a hit having a body, that’s true!

However, I think in some ways it’s easier to cope with this and then coping with ageing/being less attractive to men. Some of the people I know who chose not to have kids really struggled as they approached middle age with being ‘invisble’ to men, which precipitated a full breakdown with one.

GummyGoddess · 19/09/2018 17:29

No.

Seeing my children for the first time, seeing them laugh for the first time, learn new skills, the first time they cuddled me outweigh every single item on your list.

I have time to do all of that either when they are in bed or when they are older, with the added bonus of all the joy, happiness and love they bring me.

If you are not sure you want a child then don't have one, it's not bad to be child free, just different life choices. You don't need to justify yourself to anybody.

Cosmoa · 19/09/2018 18:07

5. To love and be loved unconditionally

This reason alone outweighs ALL of your cons in my opinion.

I don't think a pros and cons list works when it comes to kids.

Monday55 · 19/09/2018 18:16

OP why don't you ask your own parents how they feel about you.

helacells · 19/09/2018 18:39

If you are a social creature who loves going out, traveling and generally more hedonistic then yes having kids will make you unhappy to an
Extent, because it will cramp your style. But if you are lonely without someone to care for and love unconditionally (not a man) then kids will bring purpose and meaning to your life.

RoomWithALoon · 19/09/2018 18:52

The thing is, wanting kids isn't really a rational preference. I didn't want them for sensible, quantifiable reasons. I just wanted them. And not fulfilling that desire would have been a 'disadvantage' and satisfying it has been an 'advantage'. Wanting vs. not wanting kids doesn't really feature in your lists, but it's most people's deciding factor: I want kids more than I want the time and money they'll take up.

Snog · 19/09/2018 19:05

Having big kids brings a whole new dimension to life. It's like a fourth dimension that you can't know about until you experience it.

It makes the world seem brand new again and the simplest things become things of wonder.

Yes it's a massive responsibility and there is a price to be paid. It's not right for everyone.
But making a pros and cons list is a 3D approach to a 4D scenario.

Snog · 19/09/2018 19:06

Having big kids?
Lol I just meant "having kids"

TheGateauIsInTheChateau · 19/09/2018 19:14

Honestly it sounds like you are still a bit of a child yourself.

You don’t rationalise children. When you have a baby the value in all of your “things I like doing” list becomes outweighed by this tiny human who will drive you insane and fill you with absolute joy, pride, love, (fear), wonder.

Also, maybe the tiny human will go on holiday with Paul too.

cactusplant · 19/09/2018 19:20

Out of our 30 reasons I manage 1, 3, 5, 7, 8, 10,11,17, 18, 21 ,22,23,24 &25.

I have 2dc and one on the way. That almost halves your list

That being said you should only have children if you want them. It doesn't sound like you do.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 19/09/2018 19:27

It’s okay not to want kids and you need no other justification than “I don’t want to.” I never did and my life is happy and full.

However most of my friends have children and their lives are happy and full too, just different. Nothing wrong with either path as long as you are committed to it.

I don’t really think a pros and cons list works. For people who have children, the love they feel will outweigh all other factors, whereas if you really have no interest in having them, it plays no role at all.

shirleyschmidt · 19/09/2018 19:35

I just think that those who want children want them in spite of the negatives, even if on paper they outnumber the positives. For me it was a gut feeling, not something I ever sat down and weighed up.

DaniC18 · 19/09/2018 20:18

I think it comes down to where your priorities lie. I'm 28 and childless, have spent the last ten years going on spur of the moment holidays, partying most weekend and generally doing what i like but over the last maybe year i have been yearning for more, watching parents with kids and wondering what it would be like to be a mum. My interest in bars, holidays arc have started to dwindle and I'm now fantasizing about being married to OH and what our kids would be like. After a convo with OH he felt the exact same way and we have agreed to start trying for a baby next year. Having a kid was soo far from my mind this time last year but people change x

boddtm · 19/09/2018 20:22

Today, YES, definitely.
Later, when I go and check on them before I go to bed - Definitely not..... but only if they're asleep

Confused

steppemum · 20/09/2018 08:12

I think the OP was being a bit tongue in cheek and everyone has taken her very seriously.

For what it is worth, my kids are older and most of your first list wrt time doesn't apply any more. I have time. I work from home, and this week is quiet, and so I spent Tuesday afternoon dozing in front of the TV (rare, rare daytime TV)

Loving the idea that kids give you unconditional love.
I have two teens.....

corythatwas · 20/09/2018 16:47

Disadvantages

1. Free time- this is only for a limited time; a 10yo doesn't require that much looking after and for a younger child you can join a baby-sitting circle
2. Spontaneity- I found a new kind of spontaneity in myself when I had children, due to their ability to find adventures in even the smallest everyday thing. Dance around the living room singing at the top of my voice- did I do that as a childless adult? Splashing in puddles or stop to look at leaves- did I do that?
3. Time to myself- see 1
4. Time to do my art- see 1; plus you may find an older child makes a good companion here: Monet used to paint together with his children and grandchildren
5. Time to read- they do sleep, you know
6. Time to listen to a play or a podcast- see 1; plus your child may enjoy listening with you
7. Getting enough sleep- that's usually for a very limited time; older children sleep all night and need more sleep than adults.
8. Coming to work everyday- well, illness excepted, you still can
9. Not having to have a boring routine- after from the fact that small children need to be fed and have their nappy changed regularly, there is a surprising amount of room for spontaneity; it is good for children to learn to cope with a flexible routine. I know people who have gone interrailing with toddlers and been absolutely fine. Toddlers were fine too.

10. Money to spend as I please- you might find you enjoy spending it on your children.
11. Saving money- yes, this is true; though apart from childcare costs, it is often possible to do things on the cheap.
12. Holidays with Paul or friends- holidays with children can be great fun, they see things that you don't.
13. Can stay out as late as I want- make friends who will take it in turn to babysit
14. Not having to find babysitters- see 13
15. Far less stressed- I actually became less stressed when I became a parent, because I stopped getting in a faff about the slightest little thing; I seemed to see a bigger picture.
16. Peace and quiet- fair enough
17. Having a healthy relationship making time and giving love to each other- ime healthy relationships deepen with parenthood, it's the already dodgy ones that founder. Personally, nothing has done so much to deepen my love for dh as seeing the wonderful father he is.
18. Sit in coffee shops updating my blog- my dd works in a coffee shop; she says they make a living off the mothers and toddlers.
19. Having a varied and regular blog- you can still have that: there is no reason why every other aspect of your being has to shrivel because you're a parent.
20. Going to gigs- you can still do that if you have a supportive partner
21. Having time for pets- see 20
22. Time to practice yoga- see 7
23. Going on big walks- small children can travel on your back, older children make great walking companions
24. Going out for dinner regularly- that would depend on your finances
25. Being in the moment without being distracted all the time- see, I'd call being around small children being in the moment: it's precisely what they are (it's the day-dreaming that's a bit harder for the first 5 years or so)
26. Not passing down depression or anxiety- that is a more serious concern
27. Not worrying about your children- now that probably isn't possible; with love, any love, comes worry. Assuming there is anyone in the world you care about, sooner or later you will worry about them
28. Not having backchat or ungratefulness towards you- children have different temperaments and at least some of it you can influence by modelling better ways of dealing with disappointment, But as for ungratefulness, you probably shouldn't start from the premiss that they should be grateful to you for bringing them into the world and fulfilling the obligations that come with that. I insist on mine behaving like decent human beings- I don't think I have the right to insist on them being grateful for something I decided to do for my own sake.
29. No dramas- children, like adults, have different temperaments and as a pp said, it's not always the children who provide the drama (no, mother, not looking at you at all, not one tiny little bit).
30. No fear of mentally damaging your children- this is a very personal thing and nobody can tell you whether this is a valid concern in your case or not.

Disadvantages of not having kids:

  1. Being amazed at having created your own human being- yes, I'd say that's a definite.
2. Being a family unit- that was certainly something I had in mind. 3. Having someone to care for you in later life- that is a lot to ask of someone who by that time may be bringing up young children of their own, or need to live in a different part of the country to find employment, or have health problems of their own. 4. Watching your child grow- this one I found amazing. 5. To love and be loved unconditionally- as pp have said, this is too much to ask. A child is not a dog; love for a parent needs to be a) taught b) modelled c) deserved. The person who needs to love unconditionally is the parent. 6. Going to sleep knowing that you have lived your day to the full, even if that full is tedious!- that's how I felt. But I also needed my career to feel fulfilled and there is no shame in that. 7. Being present and entertained- or frustrated or bored or laughing like a loon or all of them within minutes of each other.
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