How long do you get with your dcs???

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

I know this sounds terrible but I'm having extreme guilt from being a working mum to 9 month old dd.

Before the summer I went back to work when dd was 7 months old, I'm a teacher so basically work school hours 8.20-4pm. I was lucky as I went off mat leave to three days a week n it seemed brilliant as I got that break and quality two days with dd in the week,
However, after the summer holidays I was required to work 4 days. Just that one extra day has made such a huge difference. I feel like I'm just hardly seeing her! On my day off, I now try get all the housework done phone calls etc appointments
I have an overbearing guilt all the time and I've started to ring in late to work due to it. I think the travelling doesn't help as by the time I pick her up from childcare we end up home about 5pm!! Then she goes to bed about 7.30pm
I'm just really struggling and would just like to hear from any other working mums who feel the same with a similar ages dc. Any advice
Thanks all

Unfortunately, this is just how it is when you work. When I was working, I was not able to get my DD until 6pm and she went to bed 7pm! So I had one hour with her. The walk home was 20 mins as well, so that left time for quick bite, bath, story and bed. She was in nursery from 13 months.

Can you switch to a closer school?

I would also add it may seem like a difficult adjustment as you have only just returned to school but there are so many school holidays. The next one won't be long! I would vow to make the very most of the holidays and plan for them now.
I also would switch my admin day to an hour over the weekend, or even lunch breaks at school (when dp can look after her or she is in childcare) and keep the one day off for her, and for her only. Literally clear the day as you would a work day. It would make a big difference to have three solid days with your LO a week.

Ringing in late to work is pretty awful - you’re paid to do a job and need to get a grip (sorry to be harsh but a lot of (most?) mothers now have to work and often longer hours and more days than you are doing - and without the holiday entitlement you will have as a teacher!)

Hi OP,
I am a teacher as well and worked full time when DD was 10 months (now on mat leave with no 2).
I did pretty much the same hours as you (FT obviously) and what helped was 'compartmentalising'. So from the moment I picked her up until the moment she was asleep, I was 100% present for her - no phone, no jobs, no going to the supermarket, etc. I did things specifically designed around her, even if it was just playing on the floor.

Then when she was asleep I allocated two hours to school work if needed, strictly cut off after that and did something for myself or admin or whatever.

Weekends were one whole day totally devoted to her as well, and another more 'normal' day (so supermarket etc).

In work, I was a teacher, not a mother, and compartmentalised in the same way.

In all honesty, as long as she was happy, this was plenty of quality time with her and she is a happy and well adjusted little school girl herself now! And we relish or time off together.

Good luck finding the balance - hope this helps in some way.

Could you get any help with the pick up of DD? When I worked full time with two small kids, I had university student pick them up from nursery and meet me at my house 2 or 3 days a week. It meant I was getting that extra time with them instead of bringing them home from nursery. As I had two DC, she would also stay and help do bath and dinner with me until bedtime at 7pm. My DH had always worked late. It made those two days much easier and more relaxed then when I was doing it alone...

Ps I do agree with ZsaZsa by the way - in school, these are other people's children who deserve the very best and our full focus as well. I think you would be so much happier if you were performing well at work as well. Good luck.

Hi thanks so much for everyone's responses absolutely what I needed!!! I've had a down day today cos dd burst in to tears as soon as we got to childminder, which obviously was heartbreaking as she knew exactly where we were going only being 9 months!!!

Can I just say I also suffer from GAD so I am a really big worrier I've been off work due to it before n I'm slowly starting to get to that point again where my panic attacks kick in it's just awful
I live separate from dds dad we've had a few issues n r going through relate not ready to live with him as I'm better off in my own house due to work only being 5 mins away!!

I have no problem with the distance of work as it's close to my house it's just the childminder n grandparents who do the childcare all live about 30 mins away n in rush hour it just doubles!!! The road to get to n fro is one of the major roads in n out the city unfortunately a lot of the time were in the car!! N I hate it as I would rather just be spending that quality time with her

Also I absolutely love my job I'm very lucky as I'm classes as an intervention teacher so I have small groups (not classes) it's perfect for me.

I like the idea of compartmentalising
That's what I need to start doing, just that day off is like oh I can get this n this done but rly trivial things like the food shop

Great advice btw thanks again

Think I just need to here that other mums r doing this too what are everyone's work arrangements n times you get back etc?

Hear*

My LO will be going to nursery 7:30-4:30 3 days a week, and will be with my mum 8-4 on the other 2 days. She goes to bed arpund 7ish, so will have 2 and a bit hours at home with her. Some days when my partner is collecting her i will work later to build up flexi so i can only work half a day on fridays.

I leave for work at 6:30am and get home at 7pm. I work full time hours over 4 days so I do have one day off a week with my 2yr old. I’ve been doing this since he was 10mths old. I frequently feel guilty but I wouldn’t change it, I love my job and worked hard to get here. Taking a career break at this time isn’t possible in my industry. He is in nursery 7:15-5:45 3 days a week and with my mum one day (which involves a 100 mile round trip such is my desire/guilt that he be with family and his cousins as much as possible!!) I do both drop off and pick up at nursery. He has a bedtime of around 8:30 so not long in the evening together. It’s tough. We do have 3 solid days together though and I love our one day just the two of us.

It’s hard.

I have just gone back to work after a year off after my second. I leave at just after 7am and most days get back at about 6pm. It is then bed and bath before I start work again. Some days neithe are awake when I leave so I might see them an hour or two before bed.

However, I don’t intend on that being forever. The girls seem happy and healthy and none he worse at the moment. I love work and feel good about myself when I am there. I also absolutely adore our weekends.

Before they started school, the DC were at Nursery from 7.45am - 6pm 3x a week. On two of those days, I left at 7am and wasn't back until 7.30pm so, when they were little, rarely saw them. On the other day, I would see them before & after Nursery and the was with them for the remaining four days of the week.
Now they are at school and I have changed jobs. They get dropped off at 7.45 4x a week and one of us is home by 6pm. On my day off, I see them before and after school too. Then there are the weekends.
It's a juggling act but it works.

Dd is 3 but has been in nursery since 11 months.... mostly 4 days per week but with a brief period of 5 days.

I see her for about 20 minutes in the morning, just when getting her dressed really. Then don’t see her 8-6. Get about 90 minutes in the evening to do snack, bath, bed.

It’s all just an autopilot routine for those 4 days.

The other 3 days are a balance of housework/shopping, groups/play dates and 1:1 time playing.

It’s hard having such limited time during the working week but I try to focus on the days we have together instead.

I went back when DS was 11 months.

He starts nursery at 8.15 and is picked up between 5.15 and 5.50 depending on how my day has gone. He does that 4 days a week.

During the summer he basically lived with my mother for 10 days while I delivered a project.

Otherwise - He spends probably one or two nights a month at my mother’s- im a single parent and sometimes need to travel for work- or very very occasionally, a night “out” (usually social but for work).

It does make me wonder sometimes if he gets enough of me- especially as I’m often shattered as work a lot at night, and our time together is sometimes too “snuggle on the sofa” because I’m shattered- but I’m a LP with a full on, responsible and creative job, and career ambitions.

I adore the bones of him- and want him to be proud of me. I hope he’ll think I made the right decision one day.

Pretty much what @Gillian said- almost exactly the same here

You have to do what is best overall for your family,weighing up income expenses etc
I think 4 days is very hard,worst of both worlds?
I was very part time when mine were little but couldn't have given up my job

I am so glad to read this thread, as I do 4 days a week and am normally out of the house from 7:30-7:30 those days. I love my job, and I love my baby, but I often feel guilty for "abandoning" him, even though I know nursery entertains him far better than I ever could! Just nice to see others in a similar boat as most people I am surrounded by seem to do very part time work and/or have incredibly supportive family

@user

What do you mean “worst of both worlds” please?

Teacher here too. Term time is a real balancing act. I work full time but DD is at school (plus wraparound care) now.
Pick her up at 4.30-5, she goes to bed at 8pm.
The holidays make it all worthwhile for me. Having just had six lovely long weeks, just me and her (DP at work) and only now 5 more weeks until the next holiday - that's not so bad. Plus my ft wage means we can do nice things at the weekends, we're going to a show this week and next.

It is hard when they are very little but it does get easier.

I'm inclined to agree with ZsaZsa too

"Not getting home until 5pm".... I think most people at work don't usually leave until 5pm. This isn't teacher bashing, I'm talking from teaching experience!

" I've started to ring in late to work" Again, I'm not sure what sympathy you are expecting here. In all the schools I've worked in, 8.20 would be looked upon as a late start anyway, so if you are then arriving even later. I'm genuinely not sure what you want from this post.
It can be difficult getting into routine when you first go back, and obviously life is tiring when they are still waking at night, but, as others have pointed out, compared with most people that WOTH, you will get to spend a lot more time with your dc than they do once you factor in school holidays, before you account for the fact you are working 4 days not 5.

What I meant was,and I have heard a few people say this over the years
is that at work you are more likely to be doing a 5 day job over 4 days,for 4 days pay ,But you are still seen as 'part time'
And you can spend your day off doing housework ,admin etc.

3 days gives you more proper down time,and 5 can be perceived better at work,and give you more cash to pay for help

But you can only do what suits you best.

I was determined to do 3 days when my 3 were little, which worked well,but now they are bigger I do 5 and spend a fair bit on a cleaner,send all ironing out,gardener so I can chill at the weekend

@BackforGood

Like I mentioned on my other comment, my role is an intervention/specialist/teacher which means we don't have classes, we teach small groups or even one:one tutoring. We are very lucky as we don't have a form class , we just need to be in for a staff briefing in the morning and then a meeting within our faculty after school although this can vary and at certain times we can finish at 4.30/5

I was just going by average

Also, I mentioned previously I suffer with GAD so for the create person I appreciate this wouldn't be such a big deal/problem but with this condition it's a feeling of extreme guilt and failure

Average person *

I think you're getting a hard time here, OP. As you point out this situation is causing you anxiety and that means that something needs to change. It could be your approach to the situation (accepting as others have said that what you describe is quite common) or the changing the number of hours you work or other arrangements in place.
I have been in a similar situation (former teacher) returning FT after mat leave, and I was very unhappy and anxious. I made a number of fairly big changes, that helped.
Are you receiving treatment for your GAD? CBT could be helpful for you. Good luck.