6 year old too affectionate with friends?

[blackstar1980]

I have a really affectionate 6yo son and love him to bits exactly as he is, but I do worry sometimes that his behaviour towards his school friends is going to lead to the other kids making fun of him before long.

He regularly tells his friends at school he loves them and often he'll hug/try to kiss them and most of them look uncomfortable when this happens and none reciprocate.

I've talked to him about boundaries when this happens but it doesn't seem to change his behaviour. I'm wondering if I need to take more drastic action.

I really don't want to curb his affectionate instincts but I know that very soon these boys are going to go from just feeling a bit uncomfortable to making fun of him about it. I'd hate for him to lose friends over this - generally he's a popular boy but I know lately one friend in particular has been shutting him out, and I worry that this is the reason.

Interested to hear other people's views.

Hello hope you're ok. He sounds like a lovely little boy. If I were you I'd leave him to it. If it does get too much for the other children I'm sure they'll let him know, might not be very nice but he will probably take more notice being told a firm no from his peers rather than parent. Hopefully it doesn't turn into any form of bullying but if he alters his behaviour once he realises the other children really don't like it he should be fine. Either way I wouldn't worry he will probably learn either way when's an appropriate time to show affection.

Hope everything goes ok 😁

Thanks TheAshP. Really appreciate your response and I think it sounds sensible. X

@blackstar1980 unfortunately I say the opposite to PP, I say that you sit him down and explain very clearly that it's not ok to touch people without their consent. If he's hugging people and making them uncomfortable this isn't fair on the other children. You don't know if any of the other children have hidden disabilities that make them uncomfortable being touched such as ASD

Family - cuddle
Friends - high five?

Set some clear boundaries and implement as any other rule or boundary.

I wouldn't worry about it. There isn't enough of it IMO. I think its adorable when kids hug. I still kiss and cuddle my friends, male or female and I'm getting on now.

I have to agree with @StylishMummy I think.

It's lovely that's he's so affectionate and can express his feelings. However, I think it's important to teach children at a young age that there are boundaries and we have to respect them, in order to make sure that they're aware of that as adults.

Maybe teach him different things to say? Instead of 'I love you' he could say 'I love that you're my friend'? He can still get his affectionate ways across but if he's making other children feel uncomfortable then I don't think that's fair.

I think it all depends on how his friends react tbh.

If they’re happy with his affection, no problem. If they’re not and he’s pushing it on them, then it is a problem.

I think its adorable when kids hug
But only when it's consensual. This isn't. He's hugging them and they're uncomfortable. This isn't OK.

Agree with Stylish, you need to have a word about touching and asking etc. In 6 yo language so he knows its OK to cuddle etc but not at school, not if people say no etc.

As I said in my post, I know it's not OK and I DO tell him about boundaries, every time I see it. At the moment it's difficult to get through to him / the talks don't seem to work - so the challenge is making him see the importance of it without completely crushing his character.

My DD is like this. She's a bit younger (almost 5) but is very tactile (no idea where she gets this from as DH and I are not at all!). She always wants to hug and hold hands with her friends and they do look uncomfortable sometimes. I just figure she will learn social cues soon enough and will understand who she can hug and who she shouldn't as they don't like it much. They're still learning social boundaries at this age so I wouldn't worry, he will clock on eventually but hopefully keep his loving nature for those who appreciate it

@StylishMummy I understand what you are saying but he is 6 years old. Of course it's not okay to touch people without consent but he doesn't understand this yet, he is still learning how to interact socially and will take cues from other children. If it continues for much longer then yes I would agree it's a problem, but at the moment he is still very young and still learning!

Talk to him about his bubble. He has a bubble around him and no one can come into it unless he wants them in it. His friends have a bubble around them, and he's not allowed in it unless they want him there.

You do need to really get this through to him before children start complaining. We all teach our children that if they don't want to be touched then they say no... And if someone doesn't listen they shouldn't just allow it to happen. Your kid is the kid I'm warning my own about. He needs to learn that no means no, and he can't go into their space when they don't like it.

Spacezombies: this I take offence at. My child is very unlikely to have long-term issues with boundaries because my husband and I are already aware of and sensitive to the issues. Your child is not going to grow up scarred by a slightly over affectionate 6 year old.

My purpose in posting this was to ask for constructive strategies in how to get the message through to him without him losing his affectionate and happy nature.

Your 'bubble' analogy might work so thanks for that suggestion - I might try it. But please leave off of statements such as 'your child is the child I warn my own about'.

@GreenMeerkat sorry but I disagree, my 4 year old niece knows not to touch people unless they say and we're teaching my 2 year old the same

My ds has a friend like this- it is, unfortunately, causing their friendship to degrade. Ds does not want to be kissed and hugged on the playground by his peers. I second stylishmummy, he needs to learn (as do all six year olds) that if someone says they don’t want to be touched in any way, he must stop. It’s difficult when it’s ‘affectionate’ and he’s not whacking or punching people, but it’s the same principle. I don’t agree that this particular child (ds’s friend) doesn’t understand either, because he knows not to hit people and he controls his behaviour very well in other ways.

I also guarantee that if a boy was kissing a girl who was saying no that school would get involved, and parents wouldn’t tolerate it which annoys me no end because ds’s school virtually ignore it because it’s a boy hugging/kissing another boy.

@StylishMummy but not all children learn and understand things at the same rate. Your niece may do but that doesn't mean that everyone her age will. I agree that OP does need to talk to her son to help him understand but ultimately he is going to need to learn this himself. To make out he is somehow abnormal and the 'kid that I warn mine about' as PP said, is completely unreasonable and unfair. He is a 6 year old child!

I agree with Stylishmum. Some posters may find it 'adorable' when children kiss but it's not about you it's about people being allowed to get on about their day without unwanted touching.

In reception my poor son, along with several other boys, became the recipients of unwanted kissing and hugging from the girls. It was really bad. My son couldn't walk into the playground without a pack of girls launching themselves at him to kiss and hug. He really didn't like it.

Thankfully to school addressed it ( without me having to mention it) and put a 'no kissing and hugging ban'which sorted it out.

You wouldn't as an adult put up with randomly kissed and hugged by work colleagues so why should children?

Thanks @GreenMeerkat

My 6 year old dd has a friend like this. She hugs her very strongly around the neck . She is very over affectionate and does this alot which makes my dd uncomfortable . It's got to the point where their friendship is suffering which is a pity as they've been friends since 1. I am friends with the girls mum and like op she is aware of it and will tell her dd off when she sees it but i think she's hoping it will be sonething she grows out of . She has started doing it with my 3 year old when we all meet up at park soft play etc and it's getting tiring having to watch out that this girl isn't constantly grabbing her for bear hugs. I know she's only 6 herself so is still learning about boundaries but it's difficult when we're trying to teach kids about their personal space and no unwanted touching when we are basically telling them to make exceptions because it's your friend, she's just over affectionate,,it's just her way etc. It sends mixed signals.

Sorry paragraphs didn't seem to work

@blackstar1980

My older child has issues with people being too touchy feely. He just does not like it. And I have to spend a lot of time telling him that that's ok; he doesn't need to let kids touch and cuddle him if he doesn't like it. For children who persist with it, he feels like he needs to just let them because it would be rude to say no. He doesn't need to just let them. So if a kid in his class behaved like your kid, I would be telling mine that's it's ok to be firm about his boundaries. I'm sure other parents will tell their own children that same thing... And it's your son who will end up being upset if someone tells him off. So there's no point being offended when it's really in his best interests to find a way the make the point.

I honestly think you need to gently rein him back. Other children have a right to their personal space- and it's not really just about them laughing at him-it's about them being made uncomfortable by him. He's 6, not a toddler. I think the bubble analogy is a good one- he will understand rhat. But I think you must intervene, sorry.

I do think the bubble analogy is a good one.

I'm leaving the chat now. TBH I feel a bit dirty having exposed my child to so much criticism - and people making leaps of judgement and assumptions about him based on a tiny bit of context. This'll teach me for posting on Mumsnet! You'd think the kid couldn't keep his hands off people, which is absolutely not the case.

Appreciate the constructive advice from some for helping encourage him to back off, though - thank you.

Over and out.

Blimey.

OP, please try and ignore the personal comments and try to find something that will help the situation, for your child’s sake if nothing else.

I think the “your child is the child I warn mine about” was uncalled for and unnecessary, and I can see why it upset you so much.

But the rest of the comment actually had some really good advice. The bubble analogy is a really good way of explaining personal space to children (all of my kids are autistic so I’ve spent a lot of time explaining social cues and interactions).

The point is, your son, however innocently, is making his friends uncomfortable and it’s setting him apart. Which isn’t fair on them, but also, it isn’t fair on him. I’d hate him to become socially isolated because you didn’t take in the helpful suggestions because something upset you.

It’s a fucking minefield being a parent, and it’s even more of a minefield being the parent of a child who doesn’t conform to social etiquette. That’s why we have to teach them, gently and kindly, how to fit in, and how to avoid messing up (as kids do!).

It’s really, really important for your son that he learns to respect when someone says no or put boundaries in place. It’s important for everyone to learn that, I’m not specifically targeting your child saying that, because it’s part of growing up and understanding that we need to accept other people’s boundaries and respect their right to have them.