How much should a step parent be doing?

[Sj325]

Hi,

I’ve been with my current partner 2.5 years. He met my kids 6 months into the relationship so has been in their lives for 2 years. We don’t live together, I have asked him to move him in with us but there always seems to be some issue as to why he hasn’t yet (I own, he rents, so it makes sense for him to move into mine) I’m currently pregnany with my 3rd, his 1st child.

What I’m looking for are some views on how much a step parent should be involved in the step children’s lives and contributing to/helping with their upbringing. The reason I’m asking this is because, apart from picked them up from school 1 day a week so I am able to make up a bit of flexi in work (he looks after them for around an hour but doesn’t prepare dinner or anything) he literally does nothing else to contribute towards the kids upbringing. He stays at my home 5 days a week and basically comes in from work - after he’s been to the gym, run his errands...etc.. goes into the bedroom and watches tv and doesn’t lift a finger - sometimes he does the dishes but that’s it. EVERYTHING else takes priority over the kids. For example last night - my youngest goes to brownies and as I don’t drive he said he would take her there and back as he drives. But, last night he decided he was staying at his own house as he had washings to do (which is rubbish as I do all his washings!) so I had to take her to brownies in torrential rain, go home then back to get her in the torrential rain. We were both drenched. I asked him why he didn’t pick her up like he said he was going to and he said he had a tshirt to take back to a store as it didn’t fit so he was doing that then went home to do washings I just feel like everything takes priority over the kids. He doesn’t contribute financially, which I wouldn’t expect anyway as we don’t live together.

He says he loves them dearly and sees them as his own children but there are no actions to match these words.

My kids don’t see their own father. Myself and my ex used to co parent but a year and a half ago he decided he was giving up all parental responsibility, done a bunk and the kids haven’t heard a thing from him since - not even a birthday or Xmas card.

Am I being foolish in thinking current partner will will ever step up to the mark or am I expecting too much from him?

Am I being foolish in thinking current partner will will ever step up to the mark

Yes.

He’s a cocklodger. He has moved into your house without you even realising. He’s paying you nothing for it, your doing his washing, feeding him.

And now you’re pregnant. Great.

Was your pregnancy planned?
Sorry but he doesn't sound very invested in a relationship with you never mind your dc.
I had dc when I met dh, he followed my cues for involvement with my dc, they have no df around either - he made massive effort to be there emotionally and physically for them from early on tbh. We have a dc together and he is a fab df.
You sound like you have acquired a cocklodger and nothing more.

I think it's far more of an issue that he lives at your 5 days a week and contributes nothing financially.

He's not interested in your children. He's shown you that over and over. He's your boyfriend not a step-parent as he's not parenting.

He's also a scrounger - with you 5 times a week without paying his way. He's lazy, too - sitting around not lifting a finger in the house. Disgusting idleness.

He is who he is, you are pregnant now and the best thing to do is open your eyes, see him as he truly is, and focus on how best you will manage to make life more comfortable for you and the DCs.

You may expect him to change but, he won't. & if you pressure him about it he has his bolthole to retreat to. So as said, focus on how best you can manage to make life nicer for you and the DCs

You may be invested now but it's not fair to have had your finances impacted by his lack of financial support when you've 2 DCs to raise.

What about their needs financially whilst you are subbing this grown man whose bills must be nicely low in his own home as 5 days a week he's lounging at yours?

@Aprilshowersnowastorm

We had talked about having a baby, I wasn’t so keen on having another as I was worried that I’d be doing it all on my own. He assured me he would make a huge effort and be a good father. I came off my pill, thinking it would take me a while to get pregnant because of my age and the fact I had been in the pill continuous for 7 years but it literally happened straight away. I’m 3 months gone now and I’ve seen no change or extra effort from him.

How did/does your DH contribute towards your kids lives? I don’t feel like my DP is there for the kids emotionally or physically at all.

I feel totally trapped now as I’m pregnant again. If I wasn’t I’d just walk away.

I can tell you my own experience?
My now dh came into my dcs lives when they were 3 & 7
He didn't live with us for sometime but prior to this he spent a lot of time getting to know them, playing with them, helping with homework etc Before living with us he helped me around the house, things like diy, shopping, tidying etc
We have lived together for many years now and he does exactly what any other parent would do, once he lived with us he took on more and more as his relationship with my dc deepened and grew.
They are now 13 & 17. He comes to school events, runs them around to friends/activities constantly and will happily go and pick 17 yr old dd up from late night parties! He works hard for them and they (and me) are his no 1 priority.
He's not perfect (who is?!) but I have a huge respect for him and what he does. I'm a good parent but they are my children, I made them, I'm programmed to love and care for them, dh isn't but he does and I love him so much for that.
Don't settle for anything less than you and your dc deserve.

@strawberryalarmclock

Thank you for sharing your experience.

My current partner doesn’t help with any of those things. He doesn’t tidy, doesn’t help the kids with homework or help with dinners/ironing/packed lunches.

Last week I did ask him to pick shopping up for me which I had ordered myself online, the shopping is picked, packed and stored in lockers so I sent him the code so he could get the shopping from the locker. When he brought the shopping home there were 18 items missing from my shopping list. Turns out he had left 3 bags of shopping in the locker (apparently he didn’t see them) there were also items that had been substituted which I told him I didn’t want and had asked him to give them back 3 times. The substitutes were pizzas but he gave back chicken and mince might sound silly me mentioning this but it’s just an example of how his mind seems to be constantly on other things and he doesn’t seem to listen.

DIY - he has never helped out with anything DIY. While I’ve been with him I’ve painted DD bedroom, wallpapered my living room, painted doors...etc. Every single time I’ve decorated he’s stayed away at his own house till I’m finished. I was wallpapering a feature wall in my living room a couple of months ago and told him what a nightmare I was having stripping the walls but not one bit of help did he offer. My DD’s ended up helping me do it. I’ve also done things like lay artificial grass, put up fencing and wain not a single bit of help. Just lucky I’m handy around the house myself I guess!

sj sounds like you're more than capable on your own? I was too, which is why I was so careful about letting anyone else into our lives.
You all deserve so much more I appreciate that your situation is extra complicated because of your pregnancy but your dp sounds like he does nothing that improves or enriches your lives.

It's very very rare I say this but it does seem strange to actively try for a baby when you are technically not living together and he doesn't pull his weight .

Prior to moving in it wouldn't have occurred to me to rely on DP for child care and help as I saw it as two households. However of he has moved in or is there for a reasonable length of time (5 days is a lot !!) Then you become a household which means everyone chips in.

My DP and I are a partnership and we get one with it. I've just taken a bigger job that financially helps us but I could only do it knowing I had his help. Realistically I could not do it if I was operating as a single parent . So it's not for me about a specific ratio for a step parent it's about whether you are all a unit and everyone does their part.

Frankly I would not be putting up with a lot of the crap you have mentioned. Don't get me wrong DP and I both have a day where we have just had enough and need a break...the other picks up the slack.

If it has to be spelled out to him that's a giant problem

I can see why you're not happy but you haven't been together very long and don't live together, he's not your partner and he doesn't need to be doing any parenting.

Why would he want to help with homework or do DIY when he doesn't want to live with you and has his place? Why are you expecting emotional support from him for your children, why have you arranged brownies for your daughter which relies on someone you don't live with who clearly has other priorities giving her a lift?

I'm a SM and parent fully but we have a completely different set up and live as a family unit so I do homework and days off when they're sick, take them to playdates and parties, pay for their clothes, do their washing and treat verrucas and all the highs and lows of parenting. If we weren't living together I'd expect their parent to be taking care of all of their needs - emotional, educational, financial, social. He's picking them up from school once a week, that's pretty nice of him given you clearly aren't a family unit.

Throwing a baby into the mix complicates things massively but I don't see why you'd expect him to change his behaviour. He's got it made at the moment and has no reason to move in, or make an official commitment to you and your children when he has the perfect balance of someone to cook and clean when he's at yours, and peace and quiet and fun time at his place.

Have you discussed him moving in before the baby's born?

I'd be prepared that even if does, he might be interested in parenting his baby but still not your children. He's made it clear where he's at and I think you'll struggle to change him.

@annelovesgilbert

He’s at my place 5 days (minimum) per week. He said he sees the kids as being his own. Therefore, why shouldn’t I expect more from him?

He's having a wonderful life isnt he? He gets the best of all worlds. Lives at yours 5 days a week without contributing anything. Gets sex. No doubt eats your food. Does nothing for the DC, goes back to his place when he wants to do his own thing. You should expect more from him but you're not going to get it.

Don't marry him will you, OP, ffs!

Well it's easy to say but your description of his behaviour shows he doesn't mean it.

There's a big a difference between staying with you and living with you. You say We don’t live together, I have asked him to move him in with us but there always seems to be some issue as to why he hasn’t yet.

He's not committing to you or your children and seemingly, at this stage anyway, not to your baby. If he saw you as a joint unit and really thought of your children as his own he'd want to be there all the time, he'd be pitching in and making a fair financial contribution and making your life easier rather than creating more cooking, cleaning and tidying.

It sucks because you can't make him more involved but from where I'm sitting he's been perfectly clear about the level of involvement he wishes to have and he's not choosing to parent much as he doesn't have to and doesn't see it as his job.

He's stepping up where he wants to eg occasional school pick up, but he's not obliged to do lifts to brownies and chose to hang out at his own place pissing around with a t shirt instead - not the behaviour of someone who sees your kids as his own, and a neon sign indicating his commitment, or lack of, to your family.

In short, ignore what he says, just look at his actions. He's not suddenly going to become the man you want. And he could save the cost of monthly rent by being at yours full time and has decided he doesn't want to.

I have never arranged brownies/clubs etc with the expectation he should take the kids there. The brownies was arranged with the expectation (from me) that I would take DD but HE offered.

So yes, that’s really the point of my post - all words but no actions to to match

Why why did you plan a baby with him? Utterly bizarre behaviour. His behaviour hasn't changed. He shows you what he was and you decided to think he was something else. He's a loser with a capital L. Think carefully about your next move.

Cocklodger.
I’d honestly go at it alone.

You got this!

I actually don't think its wrong asking him to take your DD to Brownies. I'd do that for a friend much less a partner, and have done in the past, as well as collect from After School Club. Im not sitting there thinking "not my kids, won't pick them up".

A lift to an activity is not a lot to ask. But you're not a family unit OP and really shouldn't be inviting a man with zero interest in your DCs, to live-in your family home. It's totally unfair on them.

It'll be harder with 3 so get all the support you can, where you can. Try to have a plan. It's hard as you're pregnant now but still, put you & DCs (I'm including new baby) 1st, as all this man will bring you is mess and stress.

As a pp mentioned he would rather have the expense of paying rent than cement relationship and ease finances by sharing a home with you. That is very telling.

As is the fact he's doing all this whilst blatantly using you and your hometo sub his rent and bills and life, yet supposedly you can't even ask him to drop your DD to Brownies? Fuck that.. Your money should go on your DCs not him.

@MistressDeeCee

Thank you so much for your post. It’s actually the most sense I’ve read on here.

Just got a text from him saying he wasn’t entirely honest about what he was doing last night and he wants to talk to me later about it. Great!

I've been in my step-daughters' lives for two years as well, although I moved in fairly shortly after.

In terms of 'parenting' the only things I don't do are go to parent's evenings and meetings with the school, or partake in official paperwork. In general I get home from work and first really sit down when we eat, and thereafter when the girls (4 and 8 now) are in bed. I sing to the older one before she sleeps (I'm an expat and she loves listening to my 'English Songs' even though she can't understand them!) Then my girlfriend and I will make their lunches for the next day, tidy up a bit and finally relax. Last night I cycled with the older one to her swimming lesson.

I could do less and I don't think she'd mind, she's very conscious that they're not my kids. But then what?

1: The girls would see another relationship like their parents', where mum did everything and dad chilled out on the sofa. That will be their model. (part of the reason I integrated well was because I spent a lot of time playing with them at the beginning. At one point soon after I moved in I explained I would need to take a break to help mum clean up - the eldest girl said "but that mum's job!")

2: My girlfriend will be knackered by the time the girls are asleep, and we get a few moments to ourselves. Better that we're both half-knackered but feel 'in it together!'

3: I would never get the bond with girls that I have. Step parents are not entitled to a shred of unconditional love. It rightly has to be earned. We get out what we put in. Every day.

Considering the above, does point 1 not worry you that your children will see an unhealthy relationship dynamic and believe that's just how it works? Point 2 already seem relevant - you will resent his laziness. Point 3 - well, he's missing out by being so lazy, in my opinion :)

I just think that even if he gets his act together for 'his' child, it's sad that your kids will see the difference so markedly.

Uh crap, hadn't seen your last post - hope it all works out.

Well whatever he hasto say OP stand your ground, because he's of no use to you. If you have to go it alone so be it, you'll survive. Many women do The best hope is that it's a nice surprise he has planned. Good luck.

Hmmm. It had occurred to me there might be a 2-day-pw OW. I wonder...

That doesn't sound good.

Did he get in touch OP?