How much should a step parent be doing?

[Sj325]

Hi,

I’ve been with my current partner 2.5 years. He met my kids 6 months into the relationship so has been in their lives for 2 years. We don’t live together, I have asked him to move him in with us but there always seems to be some issue as to why he hasn’t yet (I own, he rents, so it makes sense for him to move into mine) I’m currently pregnany with my 3rd, his 1st child.

What I’m looking for are some views on how much a step parent should be involved in the step children’s lives and contributing to/helping with their upbringing. The reason I’m asking this is because, apart from picked them up from school 1 day a week so I am able to make up a bit of flexi in work (he looks after them for around an hour but doesn’t prepare dinner or anything) he literally does nothing else to contribute towards the kids upbringing. He stays at my home 5 days a week and basically comes in from work - after he’s been to the gym, run his errands...etc.. goes into the bedroom and watches tv and doesn’t lift a finger - sometimes he does the dishes but that’s it. EVERYTHING else takes priority over the kids. For example last night - my youngest goes to brownies and as I don’t drive he said he would take her there and back as he drives. But, last night he decided he was staying at his own house as he had washings to do (which is rubbish as I do all his washings!) so I had to take her to brownies in torrential rain, go home then back to get her in the torrential rain. We were both drenched. I asked him why he didn’t pick her up like he said he was going to and he said he had a tshirt to take back to a store as it didn’t fit so he was doing that then went home to do washings I just feel like everything takes priority over the kids. He doesn’t contribute financially, which I wouldn’t expect anyway as we don’t live together.

He says he loves them dearly and sees them as his own children but there are no actions to match these words.

My kids don’t see their own father. Myself and my ex used to co parent but a year and a half ago he decided he was giving up all parental responsibility, done a bunk and the kids haven’t heard a thing from him since - not even a birthday or Xmas card.

Am I being foolish in thinking current partner will will ever step up to the mark or am I expecting too much from him?

@cheesefield

Yeah. He said the reason he didn’t take DD to brownies was because he wanted some time to himself. This was after seeing the kids for a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon then going to the bedroom to watch TV and sleep for the rest of the day while I washed and ironed his work clothes, made his dinner, made his lunch for Monday, made the kids packed lunches, ironed uniforms and tidied up countless times. I then had to go and sleep with DD in a single bed while he slept in the kingsise bed snoring his head off all night and I couldn’t sleep because of the noise. So he had plenty of “time to himself” on Sunday.

The fact that he can just walk away from us when it suits him, when he can’t be arsed or wants his own space is extremely worrying.

Looks like you've got 3 kids already OP!

@singlenotsingle yes it does, doesn’t it!

I simply cannot understand why you are cooking, washing and cleaning while he sits on his arse and contributes nothing. Just why? How do you end up doing laundry for someone who doesn't live with you?

Hmm. Do you trust him OP? Have you ever had an inkling he could be cheating?

I can't believe you're doing all his washing and ironing while he sleeps, doing all the household chores, cooking, even carrying his baby, yet you've nothing back in return. He lied to you, lazed around while you and your little girl struggled and got soaked. He won't commit. You'd have an easier life alone!

I am in a similar situation. 30 weeks pregnant with my second child, my partners 1st. I have a 4 year old daughter. He's not yet moved in, but that's due to him trying to save as much as possible before moving in so we can get a head start on a deposit to buy a house (I rent.)

However, my DP dotes on my daughter and happily will contribute to the house both financially and in terms of tidying etc whenever required and be an active part in the upbringing of my daughter. The biggest thing for me is when baby 2 is born will both kids be treated the same? Or will the existing child(ren) feel pushed out?

I think you need to have a word and establish what your both expecting the situation will be when your baby is born. Because he will need to do a lot more than he is doing currently and he will need to be with you full time and not just flit back to his bachelor pad when the going gets tough.

In short, how much should a step parent do is more than what your DP is doing.

I have also a partner of 3 years, he has been living with my son and I for two years.

An example week is Monday's he collects him from school, takes him to his activity and brings him home, I'm usually back 30 mins later and he will have run the bath already.

He also collects him Friday's on behalf of my exh who works long hours, they just hang out and go to the beach for a couple of hours until his dad collects him.

We mostly spend Sunday's doing something together for all or part of the day, maybe a trip to the zoo or bike riding.

It took a while to build up to this, he has a child of his own who's mother is refusing contact so he has been in the family court for three years now.

The turning point was Friday's, one to one time allowed them to build their own relationship without me always being there.

I was obviously a single parent for a while so am used to doing everything and it took me some time to accept help and support.

I feel like we are a team, I'm looking at a new more senior job at the moment, I know I can only do this because of the support he provides.

My mum and stepdad have a daughter together, he's a great dad. My mum also has a son from a previous relationship. It was very violent and ended very badly. My brother has nothing to do with the 'man' who fathered him at all. My stepdad treats him as his own. Then there's me. I have a good relationship with my own dad. I also have a great relationship with my stepdad. It was different because i was an adult and had my own dad in my life. But he was brilliant with me.
It sounds to me your partner has no interest at all. To me if you meet someone with children and it ends up serious, you take them on and love them the way you'd love your own. Obviously not replace their other parent if they're involved, but still not treat them any different.
My ex had children from a previous relationship and I liked to think I always done my best with them.

@beingsunny

Yea I’m the same about accepting help and support. I was a single parent for 4 years before I met current partner, albeit at that time my children still seen their father 3 nights a week. Their father never really done much with them either, both girls used to say he’d collect them from school then sit on his phone all night and ignore them. He only ever kept them on weeknights, never weekends. He never kept any of their things at his so I had to back a bag for them every time they went and do all their washings etc. So I’ve always done everything on my own.

I just feel that current partner should be chipping in a bit more now that I’m having his baby.

Altough, I am starting to wonder why I keep making such poor choices when it comes to men. I think it may be the fact I seen my mum take so much shit from my dad and I’ve normalised that type of behaviour in a relationship. I really don’t want my girls growing up to be the same.

So it sounds like you're continuing the trend. Your mum took shit from your dad, you take shit from your daughters' dad/UNstepdad and therefore your daughters will be doormats to their non-partners.....this guy must be a good shag because I can't see you (or your dcs) getting anything else from him. He is NOT a step parent. Has he been to any of your antenatal appointments at all? I seriously doubt it. You're a very strong person to have been SM to 2 for 4 years, I don't think I can be single parent to 1! Do everyone in your household a favour and tell him to "hit the road, Jack!"

He's not your partner...he's a free rider. Sorry.

Totally agree you need to get rid.
Your time and energy need to be to the real dc not the man child.
Trust me he will never change.

Well if he sees your kids as his own then you know how much he is going to help with the one that his his flesh and blood.

Being pregnant isn't a reason to stay with him.

At least if you dump him you'll only end up raising 3 kids alone instead of 4.

I'm not usually a fan of ultimatums but as a last pre ditching him effort you may want to issue him one. You're not his maid or his Mother.