How did you 'know' how many children you wanted?

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Hi all, first post so please bear with me. I have a wonderful toddler who is nearly 2. Ok pregnancy, horrific labour/early months due to placental abruption and EMCS, not being able to bf followed by severe PND where I was suicidal. Luckily ADs plus therapy sorted me out. DH was in a different, more stressful job then so I was on my own for most of it including nights some of it. I can't remember much of that time, but it took me months to bond with my son and I hated it. He is now a happy little boy who I love very much, but I do still struggle with lack of patience and getting stressed out. I now work part time which suits us great but as I was the bread winner our finances have taken a hit. On paper we earn a decent amount but as with everything the reality is we feel another would stretch us

We always said we'd have two. Because of what happened we weren't sure if it was sensible to have another. Recently (finally!) had my birth debrief and she said if we did, I'd be heavily monitored, and providing I went into the pregnancy like I did last time (low risk basically) everything should be OK. she did recommend we do this before I'm 35 (3 years time).

Both DH and I are completely on the fence whether we should. Every day my mind changes, it's really stressing me. Now I'm conscious if we do it should be sooner rather than later. I worry if we don't, as my son grows up we will regret not having a second. I also worry if we do it'll push me over the edge and I will feel immense guilt at not being enough for either child.

FWIW I'm an only child and had a happy but occasionally lonely childhood. DH is one of four and recounts fond memories of growing up and is reasonably close to his siblings still but also resentful of how one sibling was (and still is) favourtised. DH is happy to follow my lead on this.

Obviously I know no one can decide for us, but does anyone have any advice for me? This isn't bothering my husband but it is me. Sorry for essay.

My philosophy is that you can never really know how many you want beyond "one more than I have now" or "no more than I have now".

So nobody should be expected (by themselves or by others) to stick to a number that they said before that point.

Thanks @trills I like that philosophy. Some days I'm 60/40 one way and then it changes. It does seem like the majority of days I lean towards "no more", perhaps what I'm actually struggling with is just admitting that out loud. I think I struggle with a lot of guilt about being a crap parent so perhaps this is another facet of that, essentially admitting another may not be great for me mentally.

We always wanted two, however the first one caused a lot of problems! He was poorly, spent a lot of time at the hospital. I really struggled.. it was hard.
After 3 years we felt ready for a second. I hated pregnancy and labour and to be fair the first 6+ months of her life.

For me the decision was how many children did we want, not how many babies I wanted.

Give yourself time.

We always knew we wanted 2 (as in, it was something we discussed when we first started dating), so I suppose that's what I always had in my head. When we had our first, we definitely felt we wanted to do it all again at some point. But your lo is still practically a baby. Though we were completely certain we wanted another, there was no way in hell I would have been ready to do it again after only 2 years. We needed time to enjoy our dd and to recover ourselves and enjoy being adults without the strain of the very early times (which are horrendous for most people, even if you don't have PND).

I would say she was about 3.5 when I finally felt like I would want to get pregnant and was ready to go through it all again. It was mostly just hitting a point in life when we felt refreshed, we had a few nights away (while she stayed with GPs), we were getting full nights of sleep again, and she was becoming much more independent. It was also about practical things, like wanting to hit career milestones before I took more time off and also wanting to get her close to school age so that we didn't have to pay for childcare for two (which would have made going back to work impossible for me). We started to try just before she turned 4, I had one miscarriage, but then a healthy pregnancy and our ds was born almost on her 5th birthday, so there's exactly 5 years between them.

It's been a wonderful age gap and perfect for us. We never planned to do it close together, but we're glad we waited a little bit longer. I was 37 when ds was born. I think when you're ready, you'll feel ready. But having a small toddler still is hard and it sounds like you just aren't ready yet. Give it time. If it's meant to be, you'll know, but there's no need to rush.

I should add to the above, that having had the 2 that we wanted, we definitely 100% know we are done and want no more. We always said that and even after 2 easy pregnancies, lovely births and relatively easy babies, we were completely certain straight away as soon as ds was born that we were finish with having babies. Our family is perfect as it is and I have no desire to do it again ever, even though it's all been a positive experience. I went straight away and got my coil put in and it's good for 10 years (when hopefully I'll be perimenopausal anyway). When I felt done, I also knew I was done.

I have a 15 month old boy, my pregnancy was amazing but labour was awful. Me and my partner spoke yesterday about having another child because we think it would be perfect timing so around Christmas we will properly try😊 I've always wanted 4 but we've decided 2 as my partner is 10 years older. I think you have to be a 100% sure in your mind if you are truly ready and think about the pros and cons. Good luck!

This is difficult. I understand not wanting to wait too long to make a decision, but similarly in allowing yourself space and silencing the 'should' you might find it easier to reach a decision.

I would say to be prepared for your PND to happen again. Even in different circumstances, you might be more susceptible chemically. I would factor that into your decision. I presumed I'd be ok the second time around and felt like an absolute fool when the first flutterings started again.

Also, I think people are inclined to tell others who are undecided on having a child to have one, rather than to not. I guess having kids is more than the intense infant years but only you can decide if you (your husband, first child, new baby and marriage) can get through them unscathed

We said we'd (try to) have 1, then see how it goes.

We have one child plus a dog.

As pp, pregnancy was fine, birth beyond horrific.

DS is 7yo and we have not regretted that decision for one minute.

If i were you, i'd wait until your lo is older (like 12/18mo) and have a think then.

We thought we wanted 4 or so. Then I had SPD during pregnancy and couldn't walk, and when DD was born she had reflux and didn't sleep, and I had crushing PND. We decided fairly early that she was going to be an only child, but we felt bad about it.

When she was 10 months, she slept through every night for two weeks and we felt so much more human after that that we decided to go again. We conceived DS that night and DD immediately stopped sleeping again. She didn't sleep through again till she was 2.

I had even worse SPD while pregnant with DS, and it got worse after he was born; he's 6 now and it still bothers me occasionally. I knew right through the pregnancy that he was my last. He didn't sleep till he was two either so we never changed our minds about that!

I did find the first few years very difficult; in all honesty, I'm not really cut out for parenting, I'm too much of an introvert and too selfish. But hellish as it all was, I'm so very glad we had both of them. They adore each other, and while DD is inclined to be overly serious and anxious, DS is sunshine personified and encourages her to mess, which does her a world of good : ) I adore both of them and they were worth every stressed minute of the first few years.

I'm done now though!

We have planned to start trying for baby #2 after Christmas! And I'm panicking that my dd won't feel loved and how stressful it will be but I couldn't imagine her growing up alone either !

I just knew - which isn’t helpful. I definitely wanted DD1 to have a sibling, and as soon as DD2 was born, I knew I was done and my family was complete. DD2 is nearly five and I know I was right. DH would have liked more but this lady wasn’t for turning, and I have absolutely no regrets. I feel a bit sad for him that dream wasn’t fulfilled, but I am certain, absolutely certain, that this is the right thing for our family.

By being realistic and cautious about my abilities to cope, provide and include "sparkle" (stuff and emotional availability) beyond the basics.

I worked out not what I could manage if things stayed the same, good. But what the above would look like in the worst of times. Job loss, illness, unexpected divorce, deaths in the family, national economic downturns, my industry hitting road bumps... those sorts of "unpredictable in the longer term" factors.

Because of my experiences in my own formative years in the parent/child equation I wanted to be sure I wasn't basing reproductive choices on just the rosy, hoped for future.

But any future.

Because most people experience some life rain, and some get life hurricanes.

When parents don't cope so well with that sort of life weather - sometimes because the burden of parenthood is too much when multiplied over several mouths to house/feed/attend to/be emotionally available to positively - the kids can take the brunt of the storm.

I wanted to insulate my offspring against my potential feet of clay if the going got tough and I suddenly discovered I was neither tough enough, or get going enough.

Being let down and left to get drenched as the kid was bad enough. But being the parent in that equation, thus making us a multi-generational family of fucking up kids via overly-optimistic forecasts of what is to come and how well one will cope with it, that looked like well beyond what I wanted for my own teeny tinies.

So I stuck with one. He is 18. There have been storms. We've weathered them, in part because one kid was within our tolerances of pressure in crisis. I have no regrets. I am happy I went with under estimating, rather than over estimating my own capacity. Despite loving babies with every fibre of my being. Or maybe because of that. God knows.

We all take our personal priorities and work out how we want to cut the cloth we got given, into a coat we can afford, economically, mentally and emotionally. I guess the trick is to work out what you have to work with in good times and bad, and then look at the "kids needs will always have to be the priority over adults wants, including wanting to curl up into a ball and give up when things turn to shit" baby head count that will work within those confines.

It's always going to be very personal, highly individual maths.

Because I had a stressful pregnancy and an awful assisted birth it has made me adamant I'm not having any more children. Myself and dh are 38 so we feel like we've passed the age to be adding to our family.Our son is amazing and im grateful we have him I just know that I have no urges to do it all again.

Thanks so much to you all who have replied. I'm at work so can't properly read and reply at the moment but had to say thanks for sharing your personal insights and perspectives.

I always thought I would have a larger family than I do have, but after the last antenatal appointment with my youngest I told my spouse that I couldn't do it again. I said it again during labour (which I'd never said in previous ones), and during the six-week check-up in which the GP asked about birth control, my spouse asked about vasectomies. It was just a click in me, in the nearly 7 years since I've never felt broody or anything. My spouse and I have discussed adoption as a possibility that we may want to consider in the future, but I've absolutely no desire to physically go through that again.

Funnily, less than a year after my spouse had the snip, I was in the GP's with hot flashes and missing periods among other issues and ended up diagnosed as perimenopausal with premature ovarian insufficiency/failure and I've joked since that my entire body pretty much went 'fuck-no' to the idea of another pregnancy .

Some of my friends are quite different, they're regularly broody and unsure and debating as you described OP. A few went on to have another child but many made a specific choice based on many things other have discussed. I think sometimes the mind/body just says no and other times it has to be a deliberate decision and both have their difficulties and benefits.

I can't explain exactly why, but I've always known I'd like one of each. I'd like to experience raising both a son and a daughter.

We have 2 boys. I was in a similar situation to yourself after having our eldest. I had a straightforward pregnancy but very difficult birth and and an EMCS. I also experienced post natal depression. DS was a difficult baby, he had bad reflux and cried constantly and I really struggled the first few months of his life.

We always wanted more than one and we always wanted a 2-3 year age gap. DH and I are both one of four. After eldest was born we were both dead set against having anymore. Once he was a year old, things settled down a lot more and we started talking about having another. Around the same time a relative was seriously life changingly ill and it helped us put things into perspective. I fell pregnant with youngest just before eldest was 18 months.

What worked for us was looking at what made things difficult first time around and how we could change that for our youngest. We were obviously a lot more prepared for looking after a baby, especially one with reflux. I had an elective section and we made sure we had lots of help and support for when he was born. I also knew my triggers for depression and was able to get help before I got too bad.

My second pregnancy was much harder and his birth didn't quite go to plan, although it was much easier than his brother's! But the baby stage was much easier and a much happier time than with my eldest. Also being on maternity leave gave me wonderful time at home to bond with my eldest as well.

I can't say which decision is right for you and your family. But I hope I've given you hope that even after a difficult first time, it is possible to go on and have other children.

Mine are 22 months apart, different fathers. I thought when I married I'd have two 3 years apart. Circumstances changed and a divorce/new relationship /new baby happened very quickly. I had PND with both but second time was easier to manage, I knew I'd get it and sought help immediately. It's been very difficult having two so close but now 2 & (just) 4 things are getting somewhat easier and they make me laugh everyday.
They are both girls which made it easier financially as the youngest has inherited everything from the oldest.
We don't have a lot of money to spend on them but it hasn't stopped us enjoying them both, they don't get to do 'classes' or get new clothes/toys, we buy preloved and really they don't care a jot. I do sometimes but that's just pride, I get over it.
Despite being asked regularly if I'm going to try for a boy (yawn) I know I'm done. Selfishly, I'm looking ahead to having time alone with my partner I fell pregnant quickly and already had a young child so we really haven't had the initial courtship as such. We'll just do that bit later (probably when we've got no money and zero energy!) lol

I had an easy pregnancy with DD(6) but struggled with being a mum initially. PND, a shit relationship, generally rough time, i always said i would never have another baby.

DS is now 11 weeks old & everything is so different because i am different. No PND, i'm more relaxed about being a mum & i'm enjoying it. I guess what i'm getting at is don't necessarily make your decision based solely on the first time

I didn't want any. Agreed to one for DH. Started planning the second while I was still in hospital after having first. Thought that was it as traumatic pregnancy and birth with second but slowly started feeling broody again so had a 3rd. Complications during labour left me unable to have more. We now foster. If you're unsure, wait. You've got time. Have confidence that you will eventually know.

I always wanted 3 children. My DH is one of 3 siblings and I'm 1 of 2. I always would have liked another sibling.

I had my first two DC less than two years apart. It was hard work. We had no extended family near by. For a long time, DH wanted to stop at 2DC. I still wanted 3DC but it takes two, so we put it off.

When DC2 was 4 years old, I think my DH felt more financially stable and the 2DC were sleeping, eating, toilet trained.... Basically, much easier!

We decided to have DC3, he's due any day now. There will be almost a 5 year gap between him and DC2. I'm a bit worried about the age gap, but I'm sure it will all be fine.

Those first few years when the DC area young are very hard. It's difficult to make any decisions then...

I wanted 3. Then had an awful time during pregnancy and childbirth, followed by the realisation that I would bear the brunt of childcare and it was 24/7 drudgery. So I stopped at one child. I have no idea how people have multiple kids and still have a life of their own - I only have one child and I barely have a life.

I always wanted two but pregnancy was horrific for me, and I had terrible PND which tipped into psychosis and just couldn't face the prospect again. I sometimes feel really guilty for not giving DD a sibling but I am genuinely unsure I would survive round 2.

I think the reason you're ambivalent is because it's too soon.

I suspect in a years time you will feel much more positive.

It's still very early days if you have had a very bad run of acute PND. You need a bit more time without all the pressure of TTC, imo.

The recommendation to have it before 35 is bollocks, frankly. Your womb doesn't suddenly degrade on your 35th birthday. She's putting a time limit on you which is a bit unfair considering she'll be seeing vast amounts of low risk 35+ pregnancies every year.

So I would recommend parking the whole thing for a year at least. It can only help you.

If I could physically have more i would
But crippling spd which hasn't gone away after my second baby means it wont happen
I will always be gutted we can't have the 3 kids we both want but I can't risk my own health and put my poor pelvis through it again
If I didn't have the spd issues I would one million percent have more
I don't feel done at all :(