How did you 'know' how many children you wanted?

[DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews]

Hi all, first post so please bear with me. I have a wonderful toddler who is nearly 2. Ok pregnancy, horrific labour/early months due to placental abruption and EMCS, not being able to bf followed by severe PND where I was suicidal. Luckily ADs plus therapy sorted me out. DH was in a different, more stressful job then so I was on my own for most of it including nights some of it. I can't remember much of that time, but it took me months to bond with my son and I hated it. He is now a happy little boy who I love very much, but I do still struggle with lack of patience and getting stressed out. I now work part time which suits us great but as I was the bread winner our finances have taken a hit. On paper we earn a decent amount but as with everything the reality is we feel another would stretch us

We always said we'd have two. Because of what happened we weren't sure if it was sensible to have another. Recently (finally!) had my birth debrief and she said if we did, I'd be heavily monitored, and providing I went into the pregnancy like I did last time (low risk basically) everything should be OK. she did recommend we do this before I'm 35 (3 years time).

Both DH and I are completely on the fence whether we should. Every day my mind changes, it's really stressing me. Now I'm conscious if we do it should be sooner rather than later. I worry if we don't, as my son grows up we will regret not having a second. I also worry if we do it'll push me over the edge and I will feel immense guilt at not being enough for either child.

FWIW I'm an only child and had a happy but occasionally lonely childhood. DH is one of four and recounts fond memories of growing up and is reasonably close to his siblings still but also resentful of how one sibling was (and still is) favourtised. DH is happy to follow my lead on this.

Obviously I know no one can decide for us, but does anyone have any advice for me? This isn't bothering my husband but it is me. Sorry for essay.

Can you flip it and look at it the other way round. Either option would most likely work out fine. If you don't have any more your DS gets the benefits of all of your time and attention, and your finances will be easier. If you have another then you all get an extra person to love, and that would be good too. There is no wrong answer, the question is which of those perfectly good options do you prefer?

I sometimes feel really guilty for not giving DD a sibling

There's no reason for you to feel guilty love. You have chosen maximum stability for your existing child. And the objective reality of being an only child is, way more often than not, far removed from the mythology that evolved around them.

Worth a read for peace of mind

We always wanted 2. Both dh and I are one of 2, so it seemed the natural way of things.

Also I’ve always been of the view ‘no more children than I have hands’ as I just can’t contemplate the logistics of more!

Nope.
I fell pregnant with my first whilst on the pill, I was taking it due to potential problems with other meds. Luckily he wasn't born with any of the devastating conditions it could of caused. We tried again a few years later and again were lucky.
After that we decided not to push our luck. That's when we decided no more. We had one of each.

We have two, when we first got together we said about 8 (don't judge we were young and had no idea). After the first was born we knew immediately that we wanted another but waited so that we'd get the 3 year old childcare funding when I went back to work for the eldest (couldn't afford to work otherwise). However I've said no more as I hate being pregnant although the husband is still pushing for 3 . Op the question would be whether you'd regret not trying for another or not

I never liked children that much tbh although I knew I wanted one “one day.” Then I married my very broody DH and we ended up having 3. It’s been ace (although definitely a lot of hard work and exhaustion). I’d probably have another if I was a bit younger.

I always wanted 3 - not sure why as I was one of two and happy with this growing up. When I had my first it was much like you with an awful delivery, really struggled with PND and didn’t bond with her at all for a good 6 months, it was awful. I wasn’t sure I wanted any more but had an unplanned pregnancy when she was 14 months. We went through with the pregnancy and it was totally different second time round. Delivery was much easier and the whole baby thing in general was so much more relaxed (they have to fit in with your firstborns routine, and you are already in the swing of being a parent with less free time etc). As the girls grow together they occupy each other and have a really lovely relationship, which helps as I am not a natural when it comes to being a mum. As it happens we then had another unplanned pregnancy so I’m currently sat here with my newborn son in my arms and I got my 3 children after all!

As a teenager I imagined 4 or 5 kids, a farmhouse, millions of dogs, horses and a great husband. However I ended up with 2 kids, 2 dogs, and no husband! No farmhouse either after 1 child I didn't feel finished, I did after 2. I was glad to reach 40 as, for me, that felt like a cut off point. I do occasionally think wistfully of the 5 kids and farmhouse, realistically though there isn't enough of me emotionally to go around.

I wanted 2 children but I had a terrible pregnancy and an even worse birth. My ds has learning difficulties and needs more support so we have decided to not have anymore as he needs our full attention. I know other people with children with additional needs have more than one but both my DH and I work full time (him days me night's) so there's always one of us with him I just don't feel like I could give another child what they need I haven't got the energy 😪

I always assumed I’d have two as both DH and I come from 2 child families, with that typically 2 year gap. I had a bad birth and awful recovery after having DD1, so we weren’t sure about having another.

I decided to make a decision for the next 6 months and then after 6 months revisit the decision. I found that really helpful as it stopped me from dwelling on the decision in the intervening period.

Eventually we did decide to have another and we have a 4.5 year gap which works well for us.

I was concerned about getting PND after having DD2, but the circumstances were so different that I didn’t get it again, other than a few days of ‘baby blues’. Instead I had an amazing sense of fulfilment and knew our family was complete.

I always wanted three. We could have three (no massive reason not to). DH would happily have three or stick with two.

I have decided three would be too much for me. Two is a stretch for me to cope with. I know my mental limit and I couldn’t cope with another 18 odd months off very little sleep - it effects me as a parent and my relationships, work etc.

It is a head over heart decision for me and I hope in the long run I remember that I made the best decision at the time. Regret is a pointless emotion :)

Good luck with your decision and there as posters have said wait a bit longer - if you have physical complications it will be better if your son is a little older to help cope with disruption xx

I always wanted 3, DH only wanted 2 kids.

So we had 2 kids!

When my daughter was a very small baby I thought I'd like her to have a sibling but I decided against it when she was 1. She's 11 now and I haven't once regretted that decision. She is slightly spoiled because she doesn't have to share me with a brother or sister but she is otherwise kind and happy and secure and content. And I don't have to be a referee and worry about keeping things fair everyday. Win win really.

We didn’t have any plans on how many but had DT’s and with two very busy careers and no family in the UK, we knew two was enough for us. Both DH and I are the eldest of two, so happy with our two.

We always wanted to have two. I’m one of three, and without in any way wishing one of my siblings away, my parents should have stuck with two. They were great parents generally, but didn’t have enough of a support system around them to have three children. I really think my
Mum would have been happier and less constantly stressed with two (having said that, she actually wanted 4 but was medically advised to stop at 3). My older brother really suffered from having siblings, he was the kind of child who needed more one on one parent time not two siblings arriving within two years - and I think this lead in part to his mental health issues. So for me two has always felt like the right number of children.

I struggled a lot with my first, and broke up with her dad when she was 3. Never thought I would cope with being a single mum but it was surprisingly liberating and by 4 I wanted another 4 year old. Took a while due to circumstance but I now have a 3yo (eldest now 11), but I have to say I’ve really found it hard, especially in terms of missing out with the older one. Basically what others have said - do what you want and don’t rush, your family will love what they have because it’s what they have I.e you can’t compare against what you don’t know. Wishing you every happiness x

I would have liked a third, but DH died when our first was 2 years old and our second 11 months old.

@Babdoc so sorry for your loss that must of been so difficult