Leaving 10 month old for the first time. Not sure I can do it, am I over reacting?

[darkgrn]

Hi, a bit of sensible advice would be much appreciated! Not sure if I'm being crazy or not (DH seems to think I am).
Currently on holiday with in laws (in another country). FIL, MIL, DH, myself and 10 month old DC.
I had thought it would be nice to go out for lunch, just DH and myself. I have left baby with DH for a few hours no problem but never with anyone else.
DS is quite a high needs baby in some ways. He loves his mum and dad and is a bit clingy. He's teething again and I'm worried he would miss us too much.
MIL was trying to make me go out in the evening and makes it clear she thinks I'm being ridiculous.
No idea why she wants us to go out in the evening it made me so annoyed. I tried to explain that DS needs me in the evening.

He has been EBF from broth but recently has a few bottles of formula here and there. But he is and always has been a terrible sleeper. He wakes within an hour of going down to bed and has another bf to sleep. Then continues to wake, anywhere between 4-8 times a night to bf back to sleep. He resettled with bf very easily but if I'm not there he gets really upset and I can't bare the thought of him crying.

Also, I'm not 100% sure that MIL would call us if DS was upset. We would only be about 10/20 mins away but I worry she wouldn't tell us which would break my heart.

Anyway, sorry for massive post, I've probably put anyone off replying now!

AIBU to not want to leave him and to be annoyed at MIL's suggestion?

I'm with your MIL. She's raised at least one child - your DH - and as you don't say she used to lock him in a cupboard or whip him, I'm assuming she did a good job.

10 month old babies cry and grizzle. It's unavoidable and once they're asleep or been distracted from what's upsetting them it's forgotten. You don't need to be told or summoned back from lunch as it's such a minor thing.

Go for lunch and don't be phoning every two seconds to check up on your MIL who has offered to do a nice thing.

I'll probably be going against the grain here but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You know your baby best - at that age mine would have been exactly the same. Leaving him for lunch would possibly have been okay, the evening was out of the question, as he would have been inconsolable.
If you don't feel comfortable leaving him with your MIL or you don't trust her then don't leave him. The whole point of you going out for lunch is to enjoy yourself and have a break, and you'll only relax if you trust that he's being looked after properly.

You do what you’re comfortable with - the first time we went out in the evening was two months ago and our twins are two this week.

My mil left my four month old screaming with hunger... for 2 hours.. and didn’t tell us. (Even though we left bottles.)
So no I wouldn’t go either OP

Sorry , I think you are being a bit ridiculous. Why should she call you if DS is upset, she might be able to calm him down or distract him. I find that my son is better behaved, and sleeps better, with other people!

I got married when ds was ten months.
Left him with adult dd for the night.

Mil isn't suggesting you leave the country without your dc ffs!!

Oh just go! It's a couple of hours. DS won't hate you. Even if he does cry the whole time, and MIL can hack it, DS won't remember by the morning, and certainly won't hold it against you when he's 16

I agree that you're being a bit ridiculous. I find it strange that people seem to forget that their parents and in laws raised children too! So unless you've been given any reason to think they aren't capable, it's fine to leave them.
When our ds was 10 months we went away for 3 nights leaving him with MIL. They all had a ball. But she has been looking after him overnight since he was 8 weeks old.

It's good for family to be able to spend time alone with your child. It helps them bond in a way that can be difficult if you're around.

You don't need to be told or summoned back from lunch as it's such a minor thing.

OP is fine with going for lunch, it's the evening she doesn't want to leave her child for.

Tricky one. Ds1 I left for the weekend at 4 months. Ds2 I only leave now I'm at work.. I work evenings and it's awful because he is bf to sleep

it's all very self indulgent isn't it ....don't you think?

Honestly OP you are lucky enough to not have to leave the baby to have to go out to work, plenty of folks have no choice, and simply cannot indulge this PFB nonsense.

Sound like you are totally "a mother" now....what happened to you?

Even if the baby squawks from the moment you leave to the moment you get back it makes no never mind, you MIL will manage.

OP the first few times are always hard but it is important for you to have a few hours away every now and then, both for yourself but also for your DH to have some time with just you and him.

I wouldn't consider teething and being clingy a high needs baby. That's just a normal baby. My babies always seemed more upset when I was in the house and settled beautifully for others when I wasn't around.

Just remember your MIL loves him too, he will be in good hands.

My mil left my four month old screaming with hunger... for 2 hours.. and didn’t tell us. (Even though we left bottles.)
So no I wouldn’t go either OP

This is just ridiculous. Not everyone has an evil MIL. Also, the OP's baby is 10 months old. He could easily be fed before she went out and last a few hours. 10 months old babies are not the same as 4 month old babies. Op, if your MIL is a normal person, it's unlikely she will let your baby cry the entire time you are away.

I totally get where you are coming from, I had a high needs, BF terrible sleeper. I left him for an hour when he was about 7 months old and then went back to work at 9.5 months. Didn’t do any overnights until he was 17 months! I knew he would cry and I didn’t want him to be a bother to anyone or be upset the whole time.

Honestly though, I would do it. Your MIL knows what he is like, she loves him very much and she’s trying to be nice and give you two a break. Sometimes babies cry and grandmas love to comfort them! He might not do his normal routine or whatever but that’s ok. We went to visit my in laws abroad at 9 months and I came back from dinner to find him going about on a scooter at 10pm laughing his head off. It’s scary to begin with but the only way he will get less clingy is by spending time with other people.

On a side note; from 17 m my boy has actually slept through and from 20m will now go to sleep without me present. Crap sleepers aren’t always that way...it does get better

It is quite self-indulgent - OP has it in her head that her child can't be comforted by anyone else but herself. But has never allowed anyone else to try, so she doesn't actually know.

I really don't think it's healthy to martyr yourself to your child and never allow anyone else to do anything for them or to never leave them with anyone else. Babies grump and grizzle. As long as there's someone there who responds to a crying child, it doesn't matter who that is. Unless OP is coming back with a massive drip feed that MIL is an abusive, alcoholic monster, there is nothing to indicate that she'd do a bad job - it's all about the OP's insecurities.

It’s perfectly natural for a baby of ten months to be clingy. Don’t be told what to do by others, if you don’t want to go then don’t.

There will be plenty of opportunities in the future for leaving him and going out.

So it’s ok for someone to be told what to do by their MIL? I thought this was Mumsnet where it’s usual to tell women to stick to their guns and not take shit from anyone.

I think you are being a bit silly. The longer you leave it the bigger issue it will become for you and dc.
I’ve been forced to go back to work recently and my dc isn’t even 15 weeks old yet.

Go out for a lovely lunch. He'll be fine. If bed times are tricky, don't go out in the evening.

Sounds like nights are difficult, so don't leave him at night. I can see no reason (unless there's a massive drip feed about MIL on the way) not to leave him for a couple of hours to go for a nice lunch though.

10 month old babies are clingy, that's the nature of the beast. The one year mat leave available now means that often parents are starting to look at childcare/leaving babies for the first time at one of the worst times to do it. You're fortunate not to be at a 'have to' situation.

I'm with your DH and MIL.

I'm the same as you OP. Since 10 months DS has been happy to be left with parents/in nursery 7.30-5.30. DS is still fed to sleep at 19months and will scream blue murder if my DH tries to settle him in the night. I think they're little for such a small time that I'm happy to have time with my DH in the day time until he's happy to be left in the evening.

It's a vicious cycle though isn't it? If you never leave them then they don't have the opportunity to get used to it so when you do ( usually at an age when they're actually aware they're being left) they get upset and make it harder.

An afternoon, an evening or even overnight is such a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things but can make a huge difference to your me take health and the health of your marriage.

My DS was a terrible sleeper but actually always settled quite well for others but even if he did keep them up all night they didn't mind as it was a one off where as we were dealing with it every night.

Previous generations were often brought up by extended families. It's a relatively recent thing that, due to us not living with or near our extended families, that it's become more of a big deal.

"It's a vicious cycle though isn't it?"

Well, no it isn't. My children were not happy to be left at bedtime at 10 months, but they grew and developed and matures-and by the time they were 2ish would wave me goodbye cheerfully. As my very wise mother used to say when anyone was worrying about potty training or sleeping or eating "Babies grow up automatically-leave them to it"

Don't do it if you're not ready op. No way was I ready for it at 10 months. Not in an evening. The DC needed me and breastfeeding in an evening. DD woke frequently and DS had terrible separation anxiety so if he'd woken and I wasn't there, he would make himself literally sick through fear.

Mine are 11 and 7 now and have brilliant relationships with extended family and are independent and resilient. They go for sleepovers, weekends, even went to Paris with BIL for half term in May. They do school trips away and are securely attached and content. They just weren't ready at 10 months.

I agree that babies grow up in their own time. This isn't about that though.

Each to their own and people do what's best for their families but I was lucky enough to have a mil and sil who wanted to look after my DS and were absolutely brilliant at it - why would I deprive them all of that experience?
We both feel strongly that it's important to have regular time as a couple without DS around. It keeps our marriage strong and happy which benefits the whole family.