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Original poster

Nightmare mother in law.

51 replies

louisebrownx · 09/09/2018 20:03

Hi I'm looking for some advice from you all.

I have a one year old with my partner. I'm going back to university soon and so our families are going to be helping with childcare.

My MIL, baby's grandmother, is going to be having my baby for the first day I'm back at university. I find my mother in law very intimidating and she tries to take over completely. She is a very loud character and doesn't let anyone else speak, it's just me me me me me me.

Anyhow, she didn't bother much for the first year of our child's life and didn't visit for months at a time. She's never had our baby overnight or bothered to look after her either.

I find out today that while she was visiting my partner and baby when I was at work, she has said to my partner she's going to take my baby to a baby class when she has her for the first time. Is this not over stepping the mark?
I don't mind if she takes her out to the park or for a walk or anything but to take her to a baby class? She's only one year old and I've previously been to baby classes and my experience with this made me feel uncomfortable so I stopped going through my own choice.

I don't feel my baby is losing out on baby classes as she's not at an age yet where she would benefit from them and I also know lots of my friends who don't go to baby classes either. She still interacts with babies that are her age as I meet up with a few friends who have kids every so often.

Please tell me do you think this is wrong that she is deciding to take her to a baby class because she feels that my baby would benefit from it? Surely that's not her choice to make.

She threw my baby a massive birthday party which was out of my control and completely took it out of my hands so she ruined this for me in every aspect as I didn't get to do anything for it. They all ended up drinking at this party and it wasn't even a babies party anyway.

I know you need to get on with your partners parents but I just think it's a bit cheeky to be taking my baby to a baby class when I don't take her to any myself.

Also, she didn't ask me first. She went straight to my partner and said she was going to take her to a baby class. Surely she should be asking me? Me and my partner are together and I'm the one that has my baby most of the week, not sure why she wouldn't ask me first if she was gonna take my baby to a class.

My own mother wouldn't even suggest taking my baby to a baby class either because it's something special you do with your own child.

Please let me know your opinions.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 09/09/2018 20:06

I don’t see the problem, park, baby group or baby class - what’s the difference?

I used to look after a baby regularly for my dd1s friend and I took him to baby toddler group as I thought it was a nice thing to do for both of us

Bookvan · 09/09/2018 20:06

Honestly? I can't see a problem with it. The birthday party is another issue, but going to a baby class sounds like a nice thing to do.

Nightmanagerfan · 09/09/2018 20:07

I think it’s a really nice idea and I would be pleased that my child would get to do something nice on the day she was being looked after.

I think the issue is more that you don’t get on with her!

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SoyDora · 09/09/2018 20:10

I don’t see the problem either. It’s just a baby class. Your MIL might want some adult interaction on the days she has your baby (that’s why I went to baby groups).
I’d be grateful she was planning to take the baby to something fun.

HirplesWithHaggis · 09/09/2018 20:11

Like others, I'm not seeing the problem. You don't want to go to baby class, it made you feel uncomfortable, but MIL is happy to give it a go. She spoke to her son, the baby's dad, and he's OK with it. MIL probably doesn't have friends with young children, though you do, so baby class will be another source of socialising for your child.

Twolittlebears · 09/09/2018 20:12

Sorry but I'd probably be relaxed about this OP.

I think what's bothering you though it's what's said in your last sentence "it's something special you do with your own child" - that's true but it's also nice for baby to bong with GP. Do you perhaps feel like she's taking away from you by doing classes with you baby?

For me, I wouldn't have a problem with my MIL taking DC to a class because I do all the classes I want to with them and anything else would be a bonus for the DC. Do you feel like you're missing out.

MingaTurtle · 09/09/2018 20:12

The baby class thing makes you sound jealous. Why would you resent your baby going to a baby class?

Twolittlebears · 09/09/2018 20:12

bond (not bong)

Efferlunt · 09/09/2018 20:13

I think you are maybe letting other stuff make a issue here when there is none. Why wouldn’t she be able to take baby to a baby class? where’s the harm? You can’t expect her to sit in and look at four walls all day.

Why does she need to clear it with you if she’s already discussed this really normal activity with the baby’s father?

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 09/09/2018 20:14

Free child care always comes at a price.
Unfortunate but fact.

Strawberry2017 · 09/09/2018 20:16

Your baby would massively benefit from baby class and I think it's nice that your MIL wants to do this.
Seeing your friends every so often is not going to help your babies social skills. YABU

Original poster

louisebrownx · 09/09/2018 20:17

Yeah it is that I feel I'm missing out. I don't take my baby to any classes because I'm not an outgoing person and I'm quite shy at times around new people. Mother in law is completely the opposite. She is very intimidating and loud and just not like other people.

If my mum wanted to take her to a baby class I'd be fine with that as I know my mum is good with my baby and has spent time bonding with it.

Mother in law however has not. My baby cries most times she sees her as she's not used to seeing her. Mother in law lives five minutes away but won't come near for weeks at a time. They never offer to have our baby or even come round and see her. Baby is at the bottom of the priorities.

Only reason she is going to baby class is because her daughter is going with someone she nanny's for. Daughter had asked her to go, and that's why she said she'd go.

May I also point out that the daughter, my babies auntie, has saw my baby less than five times in the last year and never bothers either.

OP posts:

SenoritaViva · 09/09/2018 20:17

I don’t see a problem, if you are asking her to care for your child you have to allow her to fill her days with her grandchild the way she finds easiest, if that includes baby toddler classes/groups, parks etc I don’t think you can complain (she’s doing you a favour in caring for your child).

Also why must you be asked rather than your partner? He has equal rights as a parent.
That said, not sure you should be using her for childcare as you don’t sound like you have an easy relationship with her!

SoyDora · 09/09/2018 20:19

If your MIL doesn’t know your baby very well then a baby group is probably a good thing for them to do together. Less pressure in them both than 1:1 all day.
It will give her auntie a chance to get to know her too.

SoyDora · 09/09/2018 20:19

But I agree that it doesn’t make sense for you to be using her for childcare when you dislike her so much. It’s bound to end badly.

LilQueenie · 09/09/2018 20:20

can you get someone else to look after the baby?

ivykaty44 · 09/09/2018 20:20

Still don’t see what the problem is?

Your mil hasn’t seen much of your dc and neither has the aunt - now that will change

SenoritaViva · 09/09/2018 20:21

If baby classes aren’t your cup of tea it might be for MIL.

Even if they haven’t shown an interest up till now, offering to assist in childcare is a huge thing. I think it’s loveky that her daughter asked her to go with her.

HonestReally · 09/09/2018 20:22

It's a bit daft to be complaining about how your MIL doesn't know your baby and how she behaves and then chose to let her mind your baby. Either you trust her or you don't trust her. If you don't like her or trust her then find alternative childcare.

Original poster

louisebrownx · 09/09/2018 20:22

Thanks for everyone's comments, it's good to see things from other people's point of view.
I think it's so hard to see things in a different way due to the way I see my mother in law because of how interfering she has been in the past.

I think my issue is more with her than her taking my baby to baby classes.
Though, she's the kind of mother in law that would go and get my babies ears pierced without even telling me first.

She forgets it's my child, not hers. She also tries to tell me how to do things because 'that's how she done it'

OP posts:

xyzandabc · 09/09/2018 20:23

Just because you and your friends don't like baby classes, doesn't mean your MIL will dislike them too.

They are a good way to break up the day, which can seem very long if it's just you to entertain a baby all day. It's probably only an hour at most, is it going to harm your baby, no, I'd just let her get on with it. Change of scenery for baby too.

As for being something special you do with your own child, there were always a few grandparents at any baby classes I went to.

Most of the actual parents were there because they needed to get out the house and talk to other grown ups to prevent them going stir crazy, whilst their child also had fun as a secondary benefit. Not so much a 'special thing to do with their child'

On the other hand, she might go the 1st week, decide it's terrible and never go back.

As for needing to ask you, are you and your dh equal parents? If so, then she asked him, shouldn't be an issue. If you are not equal parents, then perhaps you need to think about letting go a bit and dh being able to make decisions without having to run them past you first.

Knittedfairies · 09/09/2018 20:23

If your baby doesn’t know her grandma very well, a baby class is probably a good thing.

tangoed2 · 09/09/2018 20:23

If your baby doesn't really know your MIL I think you should be worrying more about leaving your child with her out of the blue more than the baby class.

Unfortunately when you rely on other people for childcare you need to relinquish some of the control over the activities they do. I get it because I have to sometimes bite my tongue when my DS is with his grandparents when I feel that they over step the mark but that's the price I pay.

elmo1980 · 09/09/2018 20:24

If you have concerns why are you letting her look after your dd?

I think it's a nice thing she's doing and at that age it's good for them to socialise with other babies and if you don't enjoy going to those types of classes then this gets you out of having to go and your baby still gets the benefit of what they can provide.

As someone above said, there's no such thing as free childcare.

sexnotgender · 09/09/2018 20:24

I really can’t see the problem. You’re being precious.

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