Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Nightmare mother in law.

51 replies

louisebrownx · 09/09/2018 20:03

Hi I'm looking for some advice from you all.

I have a one year old with my partner. I'm going back to university soon and so our families are going to be helping with childcare.

My MIL, baby's grandmother, is going to be having my baby for the first day I'm back at university. I find my mother in law very intimidating and she tries to take over completely. She is a very loud character and doesn't let anyone else speak, it's just me me me me me me.

Anyhow, she didn't bother much for the first year of our child's life and didn't visit for months at a time. She's never had our baby overnight or bothered to look after her either.

I find out today that while she was visiting my partner and baby when I was at work, she has said to my partner she's going to take my baby to a baby class when she has her for the first time. Is this not over stepping the mark?
I don't mind if she takes her out to the park or for a walk or anything but to take her to a baby class? She's only one year old and I've previously been to baby classes and my experience with this made me feel uncomfortable so I stopped going through my own choice.

I don't feel my baby is losing out on baby classes as she's not at an age yet where she would benefit from them and I also know lots of my friends who don't go to baby classes either. She still interacts with babies that are her age as I meet up with a few friends who have kids every so often.

Please tell me do you think this is wrong that she is deciding to take her to a baby class because she feels that my baby would benefit from it? Surely that's not her choice to make.

She threw my baby a massive birthday party which was out of my control and completely took it out of my hands so she ruined this for me in every aspect as I didn't get to do anything for it. They all ended up drinking at this party and it wasn't even a babies party anyway.

I know you need to get on with your partners parents but I just think it's a bit cheeky to be taking my baby to a baby class when I don't take her to any myself.

Also, she didn't ask me first. She went straight to my partner and said she was going to take her to a baby class. Surely she should be asking me? Me and my partner are together and I'm the one that has my baby most of the week, not sure why she wouldn't ask me first if she was gonna take my baby to a class.

My own mother wouldn't even suggest taking my baby to a baby class either because it's something special you do with your own child.

Please let me know your opinions.

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 09/09/2018 20:24

Also, I know she isn’t your type of person but you can’t have a blanket rule for your mum but not her. You seem to think you and your mum have more rights (as you expected MIL to ask you not partner). It’s lovely that you’re close to your mum but your partner and his family are equally as important in your child’s life. Everyone brings something different.

ivykaty44 · 09/09/2018 20:25

This is a person not a belonging- this dear child belongs to herself and is part of your family, different relationships will be had with different members of the family

Harrypotterfan1604 · 09/09/2018 20:25

If that baby is unsettled being left with your MIL then a baby class is a perfect way for that to change. If you feel she hasn’t bonded though then why are relying on her for childcare 🤔

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Original poster
louisebrownx · 09/09/2018 20:27

My baby is going into nursery aswell, but I work long hours so family will be helping too.

OP posts:
Original poster
louisebrownx · 09/09/2018 20:28

I guess in a way I just feel like she's pointing out that I should be taking my baby to classes, kinda saying that she's missing out.

It made me feel a bit crap that she's doing that when I don't do it. Makes me feel like I SHOULD be doing it.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 09/09/2018 20:31

Please remember she's doing you a huge favour helping with childcare. I don't see why a baby group is a problem, you chose not to do them but why shouldn't she?

Singlenotsingle · 09/09/2018 20:32

You say you don't take your baby to classes because you're not an outgoing person and can be quite shy. That's fine, we're all different, but you should make sure your baby doesn't miss out on socialising. You can't keep her indoors with you all the time. Maybe this is something MIL can help out with?

SenoritaViva · 09/09/2018 20:32

You shouldn’t ‘do’ anything that doesn’t suit you as a parent. Classes are for some but not others. All my friends parent in different ways, none of them are particularly right or wrong, but how it suits each family.

Stop being sensitive and embrace it. Make sure you have your partners full support and that he is the main communicator with his mum as you are intimidated by her.

LeroyJenkins · 09/09/2018 20:32

She went straight to my partner and said she was going to take her to a baby class. Surely she should be asking me?

er, your partner is the other parent? has parental control? She knows someone going to the class, you will have many many more things to worry about in life without this - dont worry about this one at all

This is ok

Original poster
louisebrownx · 09/09/2018 20:35

Thank you.

I feel better about this right now

OP posts:
Cosmoa · 09/09/2018 20:35

It would really piss me off if she didn't ask me first! Especially after the birthdag fiasco!!

GreenMeerkat · 09/09/2018 20:36

I'm not sure why you are using her for childcare if she doesn't seem to bother with the baby at all (except to throw unwanted birthday parties).

SenoritaViva · 09/09/2018 20:36

But she did run it past a parent, just dad not mum!

StressedToTheMaxx · 09/09/2018 20:37

I have an overbearing mil.
To her I was the incubator to her becoming promoted to a devoted and loving grandmother role although she forgets she laughed in my face when dh and I miscarried her first grandchild
She tried to dictate every aspect of dh and dc's lives. Not once was I even consulted on anything. So I understand how infuriating it is to you that she is not even consulting you. But to be honest I don't actually see this as a big issue with a class, if she want to go ahead and doesn't really know the child at least the wee one will have a distraction.
I do understand though as she has previous I understand it.

SoyDora · 09/09/2018 20:37

Honestly it’s entirely normal for a grandparent to take their grandchild to baby groups when they’re doing childcare. The ones I go to have loads of grandparents at them.

Original poster
louisebrownx · 09/09/2018 20:38

We are using her for childcare as I'm a student nurse and I don't get enough funding to have my baby in nursery all the time. Only a couple days out of the week. My partner pays for all our bills and the house. This is the set up we have just now because I've still a year left to go till I'm qualified.

OP posts:
grasspigeons · 09/09/2018 20:41

Its really tough heading back to work and relying on lots of childcare - like nurseries, parents and parents in law. Its particularly tough when one of them does things a different way than you do. Its easy to see someone doing something different and take it as a criticism of your way, but normally its just there is more than one right way of doing things.

I think this particular issue is one you will look back on and think ' gosh was I really upset about my child going to a class with their gran'

that's not to say your MIL won't do plenty of other things that will still get on your nerves years later but this thing - it sounds fine.

Sashkin · 09/09/2018 20:42

My baby cries most times she sees her as she's not used to seeing her

Far better she takes her to a baby class then! At least there will be a few distractions for your baby. Sitting at home with somebody who is essentially a stranger would probably not go well.

smudgedlipstick · 09/09/2018 20:44

I think it's a great thing for her to do with your baby, maybe she is taking her to a group as she doesn't know what else to do with her and thinks that sort of environment might help her get the hang of having baby on her own.

Also, why would she have to ask you? As you said you and your partner are together, she brought it up with him and he was presumably fine with it so why would she then Have to go through you too? He's just as much his parent as you are

GreenMeerkat · 09/09/2018 20:47

It is particularly difficult when family provide childcare, if they do things differently to you. My mum does the majority of my childcare and if she does something I'm not happy with I do tell her and it's fine. I don't think I'd be comfortable doing that with my MIL though. To be fair though, there are worse things she can do than take her to a baby class. I'm a bit like you and painfully shy and absolutely hated them but persevered as they got older so they could socialise. Think of it this way, if your MIL takes her, you don't have to!!

Thesearepearls · 09/09/2018 20:50

We are using her for childcare

Yes you are using her. You are using her for FREE childcare. If you don't want the FREE childcare she is providing then you should feel free (forgive the pun) to pay for childcare in which case you get to dictate entirely how your child spends its day

FGS - this is not hard. Someone does you a favour. Someone does you a favour that is taking a shed load of their time.

If you wanted to call all the shots then you needed to earn more in order to be able to pay for the childcare. That's how life works.

cactusplant · 09/09/2018 20:51

Children of that age do actually often benefit from baby classes

There is nothing wrong with suggesting to take your baby to a class - she could be at the opposite end of the scale and staying at home with him infront of a tv each day or neglecting him.

For your relationship with your mil to work out it has to go both ways and you both have to make an effort and let some things go. She may not be happy with some of your behaviour. Just move on like an adult

Thesearepearls · 09/09/2018 20:52

TBH this is not a thread about a nightmare MIL - it's a thread about a nightmare DIL. Seriously?

Youaremysunshine2017 · 09/09/2018 20:56

Maybe she wants to go to a class with her daughter and your baby because shes aware that your baby doesn't settle well with her and this will be a distraction?

Sashkin · 10/09/2018 18:52

TBH this is not a thread about a nightmare MIL - it's a thread about a nightmare DIL

I get the impression that there is a backstory and the MIL is now a “bitch eating crackers” to the OP - she is hypersensitive to everything MIL does, precisely because each individual thing seems reasonsble in itself, but the sum total of things adds up to “unreasonable”. Like how stalkers’ victims are never taken seriously, because the individual contacts are inoffensive and minor. It is the cumulative effect that drives you mad.

But yep, if she is using the MIL for childcare she can’t reasonably object to a baby class. If the two of them get on so badly, I suspect the arrangement will break down pretty quickly tbh.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread