So fed up with being used

[roxyro]

I'm a mother of 3 grown up sons. Since they've moved out and moved in with their partners I've been pushed out and just used as and when it suits them. I get to see babies, have them overnight, love them and then as soon as I don't do something or stick up for myself they're taken away. Eldest son has made contact again and new baby born late May. Things are back on track but basically the kids and his partner just see me as a cash cow ie I've bought two of them new shoes and the eldest was 14 last month and decided she wanted to see me ( I knew it was just for the gifts) took her into town and she chose almost £100 of stuff and haven't seen her since. No doubt she'll get another urge to spend time with me again near Christmas. The pair of shoes I bought for my grandson (6) disappeared after a week and DIL just said "oh he left them at my sister's" and he was wearing some kind of plastic sliders on his feet. I've just had an operation on my knee and there's no concern or help offered (I live on my own), I very rarely get birthday cards or Mother's Day cards. I am generous and love to see the kids but sometimes it can be a bit much but I'm just treated like shit basically. The other DIL and her mother are jealous maniacs and were very spiteful to me - that son was aware and did try to put his foot down but it was causing problems in his relationship so I've given up altogether there. My youngest son is gay and has always been very good but I was heartbroken when he came out, although I didn't show it, because I was looking forward to him having his family and being treated normally by at least one son.

Incidentally, before you start to think I must be the baddie really, everyone in my life, old friends etc are appalled by the way I'm treated. They've seen it all over the years and to make matters worse, I've had a difficult life and I'm only able to provide the things I do as I was awarded some compensation after a serious accident. I'm not wealthy by any means but I now have security financially.

I don't even know what I'm asking for here. Just getting it off my chest I think.

If they're using you to buy things stop taking them shopping. Limit it to Christmas and birthday gifts and suggest outings that don't involve shopping. ie park/zoo/local attractions.

If your DGD wants to spend time with you, just do exactly that. Watch a film or go to the Museum. Not everything has to revolve around money.

Firstly can I just say. Just because your son is gay doesn’t mean he won’t have a family, same as if he was straight no guarantee he would.

The cash cow situation doesn’t just happen to you so I don’t assume you are some horrible person nobody wants to spend time with. It’s been a hurtful insight a relative of mine has realised. All I can say is stop being the free cash dispenser they won’t change just take take take. Have no real advice because I struggle I just to understand people’s way of thinking well lack of thought for anyone but themselves.

Could you invite your DGD around for tea one night? She might come and you’d get to see her without having to spend much. Have you always spent money on her each time you see her?

As for the Compensation, I’d put it in an ISA and tell them it’s all gone.

Op I'm sorry to say this and you may be lovely but if your children (with the exception of one son), DILs and all the grandchildren are like this then they for some reason have a different perspective on you than your friends. We have no idea what the truth though because we've never seen your relationship with them.

I don't think the youngest see me like that as they're too young, the eldest doesn't particularly want to spend time with me - she's 14 and has only just started seeing me again after being kept away for several years so we're strangers really. It's the values (or lack of) they're being brought up with.

roxy have you tried posted on Gransnet about your relationship with your DC and DGC?

Just to add on a 'lighter' note. I had the new baby for a few hours yesterday and when I picked him up my grandson was wearing the 'disappeared' new shoes I'd bought him but they were black instead of navy and a cheap version of the ones I'd bought from John Lewis. I mentioned to DIL and she said "oh they were black" and when I pointed out they were navy, she said it's because she'd washed them and they were still wet!! In actual fact they weren't the same shoes. I didn't press the point but what do you do? Should I just accept that they think I'm stupid or stand my ground and tell her I know they aren't the shoes I bought and what happened to them?

I've never heard of Gransnet but that's great advice - thank you. I'll join,

"It's the values (or lack of)they're being brought up with"
And that's why they don't want to see you. Stop spending money you resent spending but also stop sticking your nose in and criticising. They're not your kids so it's not up to you to decide how to raise them.

Just don't buy any more shoes, but if you do you need to accept that once they're out of your hands what happens to them is beyond your control. Kids shoes don't last long anyway. You're focusing on the material things, find something else to spend the money on and once you've given a gift don't chase after it. Getting into a battle with your DIL will achieve nothing.

Wolfiefan - you're obviously a belligerent type. FYI I don't stick my nose in at all and the so called children I'm moaning about are mine actually - my sons. Read the thread before you start throwing in your twopenarth. Also I don't begrudge spending anything on them but don't think I should just be regarded as some kind of cash cow. Also I had to buy the shoes as when I took him out he had new shoes on that were too small and he had blisters and could hardly walk!!

It's up to the parents to buy shoes. Did they ask you? The grandkids are not your children so it's not up to you how they are raised. Your children are now adults. Let them live their lives.
I'm not belligerent. You're being rude and stroppy. You say youre being used and treated as a cash cow. So stop that. I suspect standing up your yourself is you being rude. As you have been here to me.
And you wonder why they shut you out?!

Wolfiefan - you are funny. You struggle to understand the written word. Parents can't do as they like with children - we have laws to protect them. They are people in their own right and if a child is brought to me to be taken out to the cinema and McDonalds, which he was, and his shoes are giving him blisters and he's struggling to walk then I'm going to get him some shoes that he's comfortable in. His parents certainly didn't mind me buying him some shoes. I don't know why you've come into this thread looking to cause conflict but you've certainly made me laugh.

Nope. I have a good English degree. I understand perfectly.
The only one causing conflict is you. With your children. The grandchildren aren't your children. You don't get to decide what values they will grow up to have.
You seem to view buying them things as giving you rights to decide how they live their lives and what decisions they make. They don't.
As to the blisters. Call the parents?

Hmmm...well I have to take your word for that but degrees aren't what they used to be. You certainly don't have a degree in life. You seem to believe you get to decide what I can decide.

Are you honestly saying that I should cancel a day out for a 6 yr old and call the parents who were miles away because as a grandparent I can't deal with his blisters and sore feet? This isn't some kind of existential debate we're having here, it's real life. You are also missing the point of the whole thread. I'm not prepared to engage with your nonsense any longer as you're out to create drama and I'm not buying into your pettiness. Methinks you have some issues and I've possible hit a raw nerve. Sort it out and don't bother me.

And you wonder why your kids have little to do with you?

I think majority of Sons tend to go a bit distant when they grow up and have their own families compared to daughters.

My DP never gets his mum or dad gifts or go to see them unless I kind of push him to do it. However my DPs sister does get gifts for mothers day etc and just puts DPs name in the card.

Same thing in my family, my brother doesn't bother with gifts or parents unless us girls push him to get involved.

Wow.

Degrees are every bit as challenging as they used to be. I have just completed mine.

At 53 I have a 'degree' in life too, more experiences than most in fact, many of them I would prefer not to have. Your briskness and anger at having something said to you that you consider unreasonable demonstrates why you are having trouble with your family. You asked for advice but don't like it when you get it. Nothing will change for you.

Wolfiefan - So they're my kids now then? You do seem to be confused and really not fully with the discussion here - maybe it's best if you go and 'contribute' elsewhere.

OP you're quite confrontational. Just stop spending if they're not appreciating it. Take your mates out instead, I'll bet they'll be more grateful.

Imho it's down to us gp's to just support our young people; don't count the cost, just do it. It's what you're here for. Our sons and daughters are here to support their youngsters and we have to help them do that. My DS' car broke down and needed £1200 worth of work doing. He needed it for work. I paid. It's my job. Don't count the pennies, don't expect anything back.

You sound like hard work OP. Why do need to badger your DS and DiL as to the whereabouts of the shoes you bought for your GS?

My briskness is because someone was rather brusque and totally misunderstood the situation. I don't interfere with the children's upbringing at all. I keep my thoughts to myself and that's why I thought I could open up on here. I DON'T say anything untoward to my DIL or my son. In fact, my DIL comes to me with her problems. My son is a control freak and we are all on eggshells around him. This isn't about me being shut out on occasion because I interfere. Wolfiefan somehow jumped in and decided I was trying to dictate how my grandchildren should be brought up and it's nothing of the kind. I'm entitled to have opinions, that's only natural, but I don't voice them to my Son and his partner. This is about how I'm used and abused by my son and if I ever disagree with anything, he uses the children to punish me. It's his way of keeping me under control. You have no idea of some of the things that have happened over the years and for someone to jump on and start going off in completely the wrong direction is uncalled for and I refuse to be dictated to by someone who knows nothing about the situation and seems bent on creating conflict. Just nonsensical and I refuse to be browbeaten by it.

Fight! Fight! Fight!