Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

advice needed. breastfed toddler feeds all night, clingy , needy, tantrums

33 replies

purple8dragon · 02/09/2018 20:48

My son is 3 in december and is breastfed. he always fed on demand and in hindsight i should have cut this back when he was younger, however i didnt untill about 6 months ago, and hes a nightmare.

He sleeps with me in bed and wakes several times a night for milk. (waking me minimally as i just let him help himself) He is really attached to me though and if i leave him to go in a different room he whines, if i go out he whines, if i go to the loo he whines. i let him whinge to an extent and i only let him feed during the day when he wakes up, before his nap and before bed, yet he still asks and asks all day long for it, even though he knows i wont give in.

I am happy to feed him still but preferably morning/nap/night rather than all night long! I have three older children who he disturbs if i leave him to cry and im not built to CIO even with a toddler it pulls at my heart strings.

Im hoping to get him into a room with his brother soon when i can get a new bed for him, has anyone been in a similar situation? any advice?

not really sure what im asking i just feel like anyone IRL i ask just say to cut it off at night like its that easy, i dont know anyone else that bf at this age most stop around 12-18 months which i kind of think i should have done as he was more easily distracted at that age.

I feel like my life revolves around a needy high maintenance toddler and i dread what the day will bring some days...

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Hatstand · 03/09/2018 15:15

Oh OP, this sounds exhausting. No advice really as mine is still in the 12-18 month bracket, but bumping for you. Also are you in any of the facebook groups for extended breastfeeding? I find them a bit evangelical but you might get good advice there, even if it's just 'Mine went through this, it lasted x months' or similar. And they definitely won't tell you to stop feeding!

MalloryLaurel · 03/09/2018 15:25

Ignore the whining. That's all it is. He's not ill or in pain. At age three he needs to start developing a life outside of your relationship. Three is the age when I started to prepare my dcs for school. One of the ways was for them to be more independent. If you decide that you want to sleep all night then you need to tell him. Provide him with water if he's thirsty. But put your bra on and shut up the shop. You must be exhausted. He will complain as he is used to this routine, but I think it will be worth it in the long run as neither of you will be so tired! Give him a visual timetable of when he can be breastfed so he knows that it is still an option, but explain no more in the night.

Want2bSupermum · 03/09/2018 15:28

There is a facebook group called precious little sleep. It's US based but it was a good source for me when my 3rd wouldn't leave our bed. It wasn't so much attachment because she never let go. She wanted to get back in my womb!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families General parenting
Aprilshowersnowastorm · 03/09/2018 15:33

Plasters.
Tell him there are sore and cafe is shut for good.

CountessVonBoobs · 03/09/2018 15:35

I am fully in favour of natural term breastfeeding (fed my first to nearly 3), but in all honesty in your shoes I think I might do a cold turkey wean. It would mean a horrendous two or three days and iron will on your part, but if you cuddle and distract i don't see that there is any basis to believe he will be scarred for life, and I would need some space and independence back at least a year ago. And I suspect a gradual wean would involve so much whining and grabbing that you would weaken and back on the merry-go-round you go.

Do you work? Does he spend any time in childcare or away from you? If so, what is he like there?

JaniceJoplin · 03/09/2018 15:40

I breastfed my son until 2.5 yrs. I cut down the night feeding at about 18 mos by being unavailable during the night in another room and my husband settling him (I had an injury and slept downstairs). It took about a week for him to get used to that and then I reappeared. We then got him a room of his own all kitted out with fab stuff. He was still bf in the mornings, nap and at bedtime but if I was not around would go with the flow and forget about it, so dad was in charge of breakfast etc. He eventually was more interested in cornflakes and yogurt and apple juice etc than me. But still if I put him to bed he wouldn’t go without feeding, so I got dad to do when he could. For naps, I took him for a walk in the buggy. Dad got a really good bedtime routine in place for him which he loved, books, stories, teethbrushing which he quite enjoys. It took about 2 months but he no longer expects to bf and now I can put him to bed without feeding him and am finally free. So I guess dad stepped up and did a lot more of the settling and we found alternatives for him that he liked and grew out of it I guess ultimately. He is still very cuddly more so than my other children but he’s definitely past wanting boob !

JaniceJoplin · 03/09/2018 15:44

I would say that my husband Really had to work hard to settle him in those nights when I wasn’t in the room, but it as forced Upton us as I couldn’t walk or carry him and my husband thought it was unreasonable only I could settle him / get him to sleep.

CountessVonBoobs · 03/09/2018 15:48

Yes, we nightweaned at about 18 months - he simply got daddy every time he woke and within about 4 days he stopped waking. If you think you'd really struggle with that I'd go to a hotel for a night.

stargirl1701 · 03/09/2018 15:58

DD2 was night weaned at 2 years old. I was happy to feed on demand, day and night until then.

She bedshared with DH for 2 weeks whilst I slept in the spare room.

She now (at 4) feeds morning and bedtime.

Original poster
purple8dragon · 03/09/2018 23:34

Thank you all done really good advice there. Agree that cold turkey probably would be better but don't think I'm ready for that. I think getting dh on board to settle him at night and me sleeping on the couch for a week may well be the answer as he does settle for his dad if he thinks I'm not there!

I don't work but he is going to start pre school soo n two mornings a week xxx

OP posts:
UghNoWay · 03/09/2018 23:42

I’d go cold turkey for his sake. He needs his sleep. He must be exhausted.

Original poster
purple8dragon · 04/09/2018 00:00

It's more or less like a toddler waking for a dummy,he rolls over, pops it in and is fast asleep the whole time.he doesn't even open his eyes (unless the boon isn't there) he's not exhausted, h e is full of energy during the day,and if left with dad he is happy,fun,playful. But if I'm there he's all whinging and wanting me/milk x

OP posts:
Original poster
purple8dragon · 04/09/2018 00:00

Boob**

OP posts:
Tortycat · 04/09/2018 00:18

Interesting to read - ds2 is only 2 but we're in a similar situation. I have just got fed up of feeding on demand so am in the process of cutting down feeds. In the past few days I'm only feeding morning and nap time. Its been hard as, like you, he demands feeds when he's upset/ fallen over/ bored etc so feels like endless tears. He's fine if I'm not there (he's with a childminder 2 days while i work). The last few days he's whinged a bit but it's getting better.

At night I'm still feeding at his first wake up (due any time now!). But I'm cutting out his 4am feed as its killing me. First night dh slept with him instead, second night i went in as the howling was waking ds1 (but i didn't feed him), last night i slept with him and he settled much quicker.

it feels so hard though as its ignoring him when he wants comfort. Its actually easier when he's angry as then i feel less sorry for him!!

No specific advice and sure I'm doing it wrong but just to let you know you're not alone. I think i struggled so much to establish bf with dc1, who then self weaned at 13 months, that i went full out for ebf with dc and wasnt prepared for this!!
.

gluteustothemaximus · 04/09/2018 00:28

We’ve just been through this.

He stopped feeding suddenly. I thought he’d self weaned, but it was a nursing strike. By the time I’d realised, it was a week down the line and I didn’t want to go back to feeding.

Few nights of hell. One where he screamed over and over ‘mama, please, last one milk, please milk, mummy please’ which broke me Sad

DH took over, and we explained milk had gone and gave him cow’s milk instead. About another week and now he sleeps through.

Much as I am glad I breastfed, 2.5 years of no sleep and my body not being mine....let’s just say I’m glad we’re done.

Good luck. This is very very hard, but you will come out the other side x

Original poster
purple8dragon · 04/09/2018 00:50

Thanks gluteus.

Tortycat exactly that. That's exactly how I'm feeling, feeding didn't go great with the others so I researched the hell out of it and was determined to get to 2 years and now I feel like I've bitten myself in the arse. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I was a confident parent with the other 3 I don't a what's happened to me 😂😂

Nice to not feel alone, I don't wish I hadn't bf and I don't want to stop completely as like you say its a huge comfort for him. But I do wish I had cut it right down when he was around 1 when it wouldn't have been quite so traumatic for me him x

OP posts:
Tortycat · 04/09/2018 01:05

Its so hard isnt it?

Gluteus now he can talk the 'please mummy' is unbearable! But I'm thinking it's better to be consistant as I've been inconsistent the last few months, giving in when I'm tired/ emotional/ could do with a sit down, which hasnt helped.

Good luck purple. Think i will need it!!

30hours · 04/09/2018 01:15

You either have to night wean or accept the situation.

gluteustothemaximus · 04/09/2018 01:34

First 2 weaned themselves at 1 year, but not this one. I tried to wean him, but he has had the worst teething pain of them all, and he needed comfort so that’s what we did. Plus he had other issues with reflux and didn’t do well on solids so again, it seemed just fine to go with what he wanted to do.

It’s hard also as no one I knew was breastfeeding a toddler, so internet is great for not feeling alone.

I’ve already gone through my feeling like shite, world’s worst mother, have I’ve screwed him up etc....he seems fine now.

Although the tantrums we’ve had since stopping have been spectacular....

Isn’t parenthood fun Grin

Original poster
purple8dragon · 04/09/2018 07:16

30 hours yes thanks I know, it's how I night wean that I'm struggling with x

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 04/09/2018 07:22

" I think getting dh on board to settle him at night and me sleeping on the couch for a week may well be the answer as he does settle for his dad if he thinks I'm not there!"

It sounds a bit drastic, but if he can't smell you then he probably won't feel the need to nuzzle. Does he always co-sleep? Does he have his own bed?

Original poster
purple8dragon · 04/09/2018 07:32

He's slept with us since he was around 8 months. He doesn't have his own bed but we're going to get bunk beds for him and his brother ASAP. Which I'm sure will make the process a bit easier.

Not sure whether to try to night wean him in our bed with dh or wait till we have a bed and then do the whole 'big boy bed no night milk' x

OP posts:
Angelil · 04/09/2018 16:28

One of my friends went for a long weekend away when she wanted to stop breastfeeding - so that when her son awoke in the night he only got daddy and she wasn't there to be tormented by him crying out for the boob. Needless to say it worked.

Pixie2015 · 04/09/2018 21:46

Some great information and good to know others in the same boat - every time I say I am going to cut down and become more routine with feeds DC becomes unwell - I hope to stop BF by age 2

MummyItsallaboutyou · 04/09/2018 21:54

My DD was a week short of her 2nd birthday when I decided I'd had enough. She didn't leave me alone during the night and I was exhausted. I told her she had drunk it all up. Her reaction....'oh??!!' And just accepted it, no hassle at all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread