advice needed. breastfed toddler feeds all night, clingy , needy, tantrums

[purple8dragon]

My son is 3 in december and is breastfed. he always fed on demand and in hindsight i should have cut this back when he was younger, however i didnt untill about 6 months ago, and hes a nightmare.

He sleeps with me in bed and wakes several times a night for milk. (waking me minimally as i just let him help himself) He is really attached to me though and if i leave him to go in a different room he whines, if i go out he whines, if i go to the loo he whines. i let him whinge to an extent and i only let him feed during the day when he wakes up, before his nap and before bed, yet he still asks and asks all day long for it, even though he knows i wont give in.

I am happy to feed him still but preferably morning/nap/night rather than all night long! I have three older children who he disturbs if i leave him to cry and im not built to CIO even with a toddler it pulls at my heart strings.

Im hoping to get him into a room with his brother soon when i can get a new bed for him, has anyone been in a similar situation? any advice?

not really sure what im asking i just feel like anyone IRL i ask just say to cut it off at night like its that easy, i dont know anyone else that bf at this age most stop around 12-18 months which i kind of think i should have done as he was more easily distracted at that age.

I feel like my life revolves around a needy high maintenance toddler and i dread what the day will bring some days...

I used to pretend to go out every evening 😂 say goodbye, shut the front door then sneak to the spare room!

DS is 2 this month, and we stopped breastfeeding about a month ago. I was SO ready. I was in exactly your position- and as a full time working single mother i was on my knees.

For a couple of weeks I very determinedly only fed in the morning, when he got home from nursery and last thing at night.

The before bed feed was the easiest to kick. And we got rid of that pretty easily- substituting songs for feeding. Then I started wearing hard to access tops to bed- and if he woke in the night, offered him water and a cuddle. That seemed to put paid to night feeds. The morning and after nursery feeds weren’t going anywhere- so we went cold turkey.

I told him he was a big boy who has drunk all of the breast milk, and offered a snack instead. The little monkey LAUGHED (I was expecting devastation) and happily ate a biscuit. We did that for about a week? I offered cows milk a couple of times a day too..... and on the rare occasion he asked to breastfeed, I told him he’d drunk it all up again, “like the horses in the field ate all the carrots and the cat ate all of his breakfast” (visual references he understands from seeing real life)

He was fine. There was no drama- and now he’ll occassionally thrust a hand down my top laughing- but it’s a “joke” and I just remove it without acknowledging the reference.

We’re still cosleeping, happily

Dr Jay Gordon night weaning?

Or could he get a reward chart towards a big present of his choice and he earns stars by not whining for milk and you can set new rules for times he can/can’t have milk.

Oh and all four of mine were BF til between 2.5 and 3. Two self weaned and two were encouraged!!!

If he is still under 3 he is at that stage where I don't think weaning is going to help. If he was bottlefed you might have exactly the same situation with him waking you up all night long for milk; in fact I know multiple older toddlers who do this to their parents, and none of them are breastfed.

What the problem is, is his sleep associations. Read Dr Ferber on sleep problems. His sleep is disturbed by the many feeds he is having, because he cannot get back to sleep without sucking and never probably goes into deep sleep for long. Thus he is whiny and bad tempered in the day because he is sleep deprived.

It is normal for a toddler to be very attached to their mother at this age and wants lots of comfort and cuddles, and to co-sleep. But you need to find a way to stop his link with sleep and sucking, and then the days will be less stressful. I wonder whether feeding him more in the day might help? And feeding him more other food in the day too, protein etc, so you know that he is not actually hungry or thirsty in the night.

I co-slept with my children at that age (3 kids, close in age) and I would say that co sleeping is absolutely normal/beneficial. But I night weaned at 2 years exactly, it just felt the right time.

I do know others who continued to feed until their child naturally weaned at about 3.5, but I think the night situation was more balanced (ie one waking at most) These were mums with other children, and they couldn't have coped with more waking up than that!! But it didn't feel like an imposition.

Dr Ferber explains about sleep associations making it impossible for a child or baby to sleep without some associated activity, unless there is a period of "re-training". I'm not sure whether it is Controlled Crying exactly.

I never had to use it, but in bad situations such as you describe, unhappy very sleep deprived child, tensions rising, it might be worth having a look?

I sorted a similar situation many years ago by having my tonsils out! By the time I got home he was over it and happy in his own bed.

My daughter weaned at 2.5 years completely, but I stopped nursing at night about 6 months before that. It took maybe three nights of just saying that we don't nurse at night before she stopped asking.