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Parenting

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Original poster

Help me help DH feel better?

32 replies

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 01/09/2018 22:46

So today was a bit of a disaster.

DH was going to look after our 3mo today whilst I went to an appt. she was a bit cranky and overtired, wouldn’t feed by breast or bottle. Although I finally got her to sleep then said goodbye to go to a beauty appt.

When I got home DH bundles to the front door with her and gives her to me (she’s screaming her little head off) and says he’s hated every minute of it. She had woken up soon after me going and pretty much cried the entirety of the time. I told him to go for a walk and get some fresh air. She then had a feed and a very very long sleep with me.

He came in to us a bit later in tears upset that he couldn’t do a better job of looking after his own DD (and be able to give me a break).

His confidence is completely shot and it’s not helped that a lot of the time when she’s looked at him today she’s started crying again. I feel for him but also worry he’s building a bit of resentment towards her for it as I can see him shake his head or roll his eyes.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom here? I’m a bit shattered being the glue...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

JontyDoggle37 · 01/09/2018 22:52

Involve him in everything. Don’t let him be an onlooker. She needs to get used to the sound of his voice as the soother, even if you’re holding her at first. Or you soothe vocally and he holds, or he bottle feeds while you sit next to him. He needs to become part of her essential routines so she looks to him for reassurance.

Sickoffamilydrama · 01/09/2018 22:53

It's normal for a 3 month old to behave in that way. It's actually a really good thing she's strongly attached to you it's psychologically healthy.
Leave him with her for short periods & they'll both get more comfortable but the big fix of it will be time.

Sickoffamilydrama · 01/09/2018 22:55

& I agree with Jonty involve him in everything.

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Abitlost2015 · 01/09/2018 23:01

He gives up easily, doesn’t he?

Original poster

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 01/09/2018 23:07

Thanks Jonty and Sick :) you make a good point... even when i’m In the shower a lot of the time he will bring her up to the bathroom and they will just hang out while I do my thing... maybe I need to find more short absences for myself outside of the house...

Abit... I was asking for advice about how to build some resilience - do you have any?

OP posts:

fruitshot · 01/09/2018 23:09

Totally normal and have been there!

Resilience will come with practise, so the only ways he's going to get over it, is by being screamed at a bit more, as he has to find his own way to comfort her with some of the tricks you can show him.
He will be really chuffed when it works, but be prepared to be patient 😊

Longdistance · 01/09/2018 23:16

Babies...erm...cry. He should have put her in the buggy to take her for a walk and distracted her.
He needs to be more involved in that sense. Dh would take dds out for walks in the buggy to get fresh air out and about, in the park, out in the car somewhere random. Both bf. Would have a feed, I’d throw dd at dh, and go out for my appointment wherever.
I think your dh has taken it personally, bless him ❤️

AlecOrAlonzo · 01/09/2018 23:32

He could try putting her in a sling and taking her for a walk. She'll get used to his smell and heartbeat. They could go a half hour walk everyday. My dh does this with our kids.

Original poster

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 01/09/2018 23:40

I want him to wear the baby carrier more. The HV suggested it but he gets funny about her being too hot because he quite a hot bot. I think i’ll Keep on at him about it though as she falls asleep quite quickly in the carrier...

As it comes into winter his body heat will come in handy for her anyway!

I told him to wear my nightshirt next time as the smell will help her.

OP posts:

BuntyII · 01/09/2018 23:47

Give it time. In a year they'll be just fine without you.

HelenMummyof2 · 02/09/2018 10:03

My 3 month old baby is just the same!! I feel so sorry for my Hubby as he tries so hard with DD. My first was never like this so it’s a shock to the system. However, I think it’s totally normal, it’s a phase and it will pass. Babies need so much reassurance at that age and mums can give it given the familiarity. My hubby bathes DD every night, plays with her when she’s awake and happy etc - I am normally there for reassurance. We are just trying to go with the flow and ensure hubby does as much as he can with her. Xx

ShovingLeopard · 02/09/2018 10:14

I agree, totally normal. You've been given some excellent advice. I would just add that it might help to read up on attachment, so he can understand it's nothing personal.

Babies attach to the main carer first, and then later (assuming it has gone well), once they have 'learnt' to attach, will then attach to the other parent, extended family, etc. None of them attach to both parents at once, that's not how it works. A good explanation of this can be found in 'Why Love Matters', by Sue Gerhardt, but there will also be info online. If he finds out more, he will realise that the baby is not rejecting him, and in fact is developing just how she should.

BrutusMcDogface · 02/09/2018 10:15

Oh dear. What a delicate little flower he is!

You need to make sure he spends lots of time with her, I agree.

rwalker · 02/09/2018 10:18

Oh dear. What a delicate little flower he is!
is there any need for that what a twatish comment

MsHomeSlice · 02/09/2018 10:34

oh come on....he is being a ninny!

OP cannot get a shower in peace, and as well as consoling the baby she has to pander to him weeping and solve his problems.

OP has given him the suggestion of the sling, and another about using her clothing ...but he has shot that down...why is that?

Yes, it's early days, YES babies like their mammas, but it doesn't seem to me that he's prepared to try very hard to do anything other than get the baby off his hands ASAP

They need to be left together more often and he is NOT to try and make OP feel bad or make her solve his problems.

sausagerole · 02/09/2018 10:42

oh come on....he is being a ninny!

OP cannot get a shower in peace, and as well as consoling the baby she has to pander to him weeping and solve his problems.

I can't believe such rude and insensitive comments on this thread!

If this was a woman who was crying because she felt like she was doing a rubbish job as a mum, the overwhelming response would be about supporting and helping her, and rightly so. This is a DP who, for whatever reason, is struggling emotionally with not feeling like he's doing good enough (by the sounds of it for his partner as well as his daughter) and he's just being called a burden and told to toughen up!

OP, you can probably do alot to build his confidence by keeping on involving him, which shows him you trust him and that he is doing a good job. And keep reminding him that babies cry for all sorts of reasons,and it isn't a reflection on his care of her that she will cry when he's looking after her.

Wishing you all the best

Babdoc · 02/09/2018 10:45

Give him some of the more fun bonding activities to do, like bathing the baby and playing with her in the water. It will give them some one-to-one time, and develop the baby's trust in him. Get him to take turns getting her back to sleep after night feeds.
Crying babies are stressful for both parents, especially if they’re fed and clean and you can’t work out what’s wrong.
Teach him the soothing technique of lying baby face down along his arm and stroking her back rhythmically with his other hand. I think there are demonstrations on YouTube by an American paediatrician, and it seems to magically reduce the crying. Wish I’d known about it when mine were babies!

ToftheB · 02/09/2018 10:49

My ds did the same thing the first time I went out for the evening, I think he was about 3 months then.

My husband had to call me home, and was upset that he couldn’t cope alone. The only cure is to keep trying - and to remind your dh that this is perfectly normal behaviour and not some sort of personal vendetta. At this age everything is just instinct - your lo just needs to learn that Dad is a safe and capable person.

Our lo is 8 months old now - and he absolutely loves his dad! They’re currently out for a walk whilst I get some time to myself. In contrast, my sister famously hated my dad for the first 18 months of her life, and my mum thinks it’s because he didn’t keep trying with her after a few crying fits. He’s a good Dad, just not very confident with babies. She got over it in the end, but I imagine it was pretty hard for everyone involved at the time.

Breakfastofmilk · 02/09/2018 10:51

If this was a woman who was crying because she felt like she was doing a rubbish job as a mum, the overwhelming response would be about supporting and helping her, and rightly so.

That's true but the majority of mums who post saying that they're struggling are still actively trying to parent. They post about things like how they feel bad because after three hours with a screaming baby they've had to put him/her down but they'll be going back after a short while calming down.

What they don't post is that they're so rubbish that their husband will have to do 100% of all childcare and that they can't cope left alone with the baby for even a couple of hours, which is what OP's DH appears to saying...

MsHomeSlice · 02/09/2018 11:31

he has been given advice and support from the mother of the child...but the baby might be hot, but he can't bear it .....he simply won't get on with it and leave the OP alone for long enough to have a shower

a simple shower and she is interrupted! That man is not even trying! Except to shake his head and roll his eyes at his own crying child.

Original poster

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 02/09/2018 11:39

Just want to say thank you to everyone who has posted with helpful advice. I will try all you’ve suggested. The attachment thing is a really valid point

Am ignoring any ridiculous bashing of whether my DH is a flower etc because I didn’t ask anyone to come and criticise him. He is a wonderful man, husband and father and this is about bringing his confidence up not making him feel like a useless twat. Thanks to the pp who pointed out the general sexism of that too xx

OP posts:

JacNaylor · 02/09/2018 11:40

But babies cry, mums have days when their babies cry and they don't know what to do next. It's part and parcel of being a new parent, mum or dad, you have to find a way through it and over time you develop coping strategies. That's what parenting is all about. It makes me grit my teeth a bit to hear a dad feeling all sorry for himself and handing the baby back because it didn't "go right"
Agree with pp, don't let him back off, involve him in everything and keep leaving him for short sessions with some suggestions about what he could do with her. Reassure him with stories of mums AND dads who found parenting tough at first but whatever you do, don't let him duck out of the work and whine that he's no good at it.

GreenTulips · 02/09/2018 11:46

My first was the same and wouldn't sleep without me there (was still awake when I rolled home at 2am then was asleep in my arms by the time I took my shoes off)

They do 'know' it improves when they sit up and start playing and dad can do some fun stuff!

You need to introduce him slowly - like PP said he holds and you soothe etc then move on to home alone - take baby steps

Beechview · 02/09/2018 11:48

Get your dh to read to her regularly. Reading to your 3 month old may sound a bit pretentious but it will get your dd to get used to his voice.
Buy lots of Julia Donaldson books.

Also, let him start taking her for a walk in the buggy regularly. That’ll give you a bit of a break too.

BrutusMcDogface · 02/09/2018 12:00

He's giving up, though......

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